This is is my Common Application Transfer Essay and please forgive the commas. Of all the things i've learned, how to properly use them wasn't one of them. Please review for whatever, content may need some work...it is a first draft. Happy Reading!
I can honestly say it was never my intention to attend ____. While living in Shanghai, I had formulated a plan to attend UBC in Vancouver to study Museum management; it was a great school in a beautiful area that not only offered my major but Chinese language as well. Then I suddenly encountered the reality of my situation. I was 18 and facing starting college in a new country alone, with no family or friends for miles. I had never lived alone and was none too sure about my career choice, I couldn't even drive. While I was hesitant about abandoning my plans, when my mother suggest attending ____ for a while I found that this school offered me the opportunity to continue my education but also a more comfortable assimilation into the sudden adulthood that is college life. I have come to view Harper as a pit-stop in my life, a time for repair and readjustment, in both my life and education before continuing on to more lucrative prospects. So there was never a question of if I would leave ____, but when.
I can't imagine I could have continued my journey with quite as much confidence without the lessons I've learned at Harper. Although I am living with extended family, having to do this college thing mostly on my own has fostered an increased responsibility in areas that were hitherto handled by my parents; areas like money and health. I got a job, learned to cook and pay bills; all the skills needed to live life independently. But besides these practical skills this pit-stop has allowed for a tuning back into the American educational system, which is surprisingly different from its European counterparts, and the rigors of a normal college course load. My experiences here also led me to my chosen career path; post-secondary education specifically Asian History with a concentration on Modern China. Despite the occasionally questioning that comes along with any major life choice I feel more solidified on this path than any other.
All of this being said, my reasons for transferring are relatively simple. _____ is a two year institution, and although I have enjoyed my time here, it will never allow me to complete the Bachelors and Masters degrees I wish to and am practically required to complete. Any college level teaching position would probably require at least a Masters, if not a PhD. ____ also lacks a Mandarin department and sincerely desire to continue the language studies I began in China as it will only help in the future research I plan to conduct. It also seems silly to have spent all this time learning how to live on my own and then deciding to continue living with my grandparents; I need to put these skill to use. I am ready to move on to new challenges, in my life and education that I feel ready to face thanks to _____.
Hi,
I have a few suggestions for you!
I had formulated a plan to attend UBC in Vancouver to study Museum management; it wasis a great school situated in a beautiful arealocality that not only offered my major but also my Chinese language, Chinese , as well. However,Then I suddenlyencountered the reality of my situation kept me worrying;I was An 18 year old and facing starting college in a new country alonestudying in a foreign country all alone with no family or friends forliving close bymiles . I had never lived alone in my lifeand was none too sure about my career choice , (I think this idea should come later as it clashes with the previous one)andI was pretty dependent; I couldn't even drive. Also I was a bit vague about my futher career path. While I was hesitant about abandoning my plans, when my mother suggested attending ____ for a while
Good Luck with your application!
Capitalize both word in the name of the program: Museum Management
... about my career choice; I couldn't even drive. (right here I think you should add a thesis statement that tells the reader the main message of the essay, and then END the first paragraph.)
paragraph 2:
While I was hesitant about...
To learnn more about the correct use of commas, read Strunk and White. Actually, there is not "correct" use. It is a matter of style, and everyone is different, especially as many people all over the world learn English and change it in beautiful ways.
According to Strunk and White... you should use a comma every time you put 2 sentences together as a compound sentence.Of course, there are other uses, too. You write very eloquently, and your use of commas looks good!
Use a colon instead of a semi-colon here:
My experiences here also led me to my chosen career path: post-secondary education specifically Asian History with a concentration on Modern China.
This is a great use of a semi-colon:
It also seems silly to have spent all this time learning how to live on my own and then deciding to continue living with my grandparents; I need to put these skill to use. ---Excellent, the semi-colon functions just like a period. :-)
