Thank you for checking my essay.
prompt: Discuss an accomplishment, event, or realization that sparked a period of personal growth and a new understanding of yourself or others.
My essay:
I had an 'it's okay disease.' A disease that makes me think is okay with anything.
Even when I was sick, heard talking behind my back, someone making mistakes to me, or someone discomforting me, I always said, "It's okay." Saying "it's okay" had nothing to do with my real heart. This was caused by the desire to pass it without difficulty. To be a little more honest, I thought I should think it's okay.;
I am the eldest daughter in my house. I always tried to be a good daughter after I saw my mother was having a hard time with my little brother, and I passed my adolescence with nothing special. When I was still young, my family moved to China for my father's business. There, I attended a Chinese school. I had no choice but to stand out as a single foreign child in my class, and some students used to disparage Korea for no reason and ignore me. In that situation, I could do nothing but keep patience and try my best to be an illustrious pupil, and eventually, my classmates recognized me. After I moved to an international school, I became a member of the council, and it brought many responsibilities and expectations toward me. The way people looked at me in anticipation, the words people said to me that I could do, I naturally accepted, and I didn't want to disappoint them. I thought I had to be the "me" that everyone wanted, and I thought I had to be responsible and have no hard expressions to make the other person feel comfortable. For that reason, I tried hard to overcome my difficulties by myself, not depending on teachers, friends, and even parents. So, I tried to show only the appearance of nothing as much as possible rather than a serious expression. If someone asks me, "Do you have a problem?" I always answer, "It's okay, I'm fine."
Everything that I thought was perfect ended at a moment with a misunderstanding and my mistake.
"I'm disappointed in you."
The words that I ever heard before, penetrated my ears and had strongly shaken my heart, and only unknown tears continued to flow out. I couldn't do anything or speak. After that happened, I attempted to live the same as before. A few days passed, one of my friends came to me and said, "Are you okay? You look not okay to me." At that moment, the words in my mind came out without realizing it. "Really? I shouldn't look bad."
My words astounded me, felt like my head was stroked. Why should I be okay? Without controlling my emotions, the words that were deep inside my heart came out, "I'm not okay, I really tried so hard." For a while, my friend patted my shoulder while saying nothing.
From some point on, I locked myself in a frame regardless of my feelings, because I was afraid of being alone, didn't want to disappoint someone, and wanted to constantly continue the relationship. Gradually, I realized that until now I ignored my real emotions and kept saying "It's okay" to force me to fit into the frame that others wanted. In other words, I was always a coward to myself. I hurt myself by using my talent to reach the perfect point, thinking that it was okay not to be okay, and keeping my problems mine without trying to solve them.
From that time, I decided to be more honest with my feelings, more love myself. Be completely faithful to my emotions and start to express them. I didn't change immediately, but I have fought with myself for a long time. Because I don't want to hurt myself anymore, I want to find who I am and want to develop myself.
My steps began to move forward. Out of the frame, I was a pretty good person. A person who can share others' pain, a person who is not perfect but inspires others, a person not good at expressing but deep inside. By acknowledging and understanding my lack, my weakness made me more special, and by accepting me like this, I began to see the things that I loved and enjoyed. I also thought again about myself, who didn't know how to refuse. It is important to respect other people's opinions, but I should respect my opinions more. In the past, I accepted every small request from my friends. But not anymore. I consider enough time to decide whether the request is possible for me, and then if it isn't proper for me, I refuse for a valid reason even if I feel sorry.
I don't think that the times I stock in the frame are totally meaningless. Because that period was still me, and the present time that discovering the real me and improving myself is also me. Now, I will make my own way, not by other people. As I develop further, I will try to live as a more influential person with my dream as the best I can.
And now I say, "It's not okay, but it'll be okay."
