Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence
Music has a way of changing our mood, perspective and our entire demeanor. A simple song can evoke a multitude of emotions depending on what music is playing. In my case, music by OneRepublic: specifically their song Marchin' On, has played a pivotal part in my growth and development. Marchin' On has been the soundtrack on my drive down the road of life. This song has been an anthem in my life; an inspiration, the driving force, behind all of the positive decisions I have made in the past three years.
During one of my many nights on the Internet, I stumbled across the song Marchin' On and I immediately took a liking to it. However, it was not significant at that point and I exited my browser.
My sophomore year of high school is when I began to realize how important this song would be for me. Due to unforeseen circumstances and growing conflict between my mother and I, I was sent to Florida to stay with my dad temporarily. I became more and more upset as the days went on and I began to enter a state of hopelessness: I wondered if I would ever get to go back home to the people I loved, back to school, my friends and my family, because I felt alone in Florida with the father I had not seen in years.
I bought the "Waking Up" album by OneRepublic while down in Florida; remembering how much I loved the lyrics written by the lead singer of the group, Ryan Tedder. I shut myself in my room and listened to the entire album. Marchin' On happened to strike a chord within me, and I feel in love with the song. For the first time since I was sent to Florida, I felt hopeful about my situation. From that moment on, I felt better. I was moving forward and not giving up on my situation. Like the lyrics say, "there's so many wars we fought...there's so many things we're not, but with what we have, I promise you that we're marchin' on."
From Florida in my sophomore year to the present day, Marchin' On has and will continue to have an influence on my outlook on life. Instead of lashing out, hurting others and feeling dejected about circumstances that are out of my control, I've learnd to embrace the bad things in life and keep "marchin' on." The bad things in life I believe are a test. They are meant to see how an individual will react and as Ryan Tedder sings, "there isn't a flag I'd wave." I have learned to refuse to give up no matter what life throws at me; I just keep marching on.
I really need help. I can help with others, but I would really like a second opinion. Especially with relating my essay to the prompt and with structure (I have problems with that). This is still a draft, but I would like everyone to be harsh as possible. Thanks so much!
First paragraph has a lot a cliches, replace them. Consider taking the first paragraph out completely.
Second paragraph lacks a point, take it out completely, merge it with your third, or expand and refine it.
Third paragraph has more cliches. The points are valid and there, but I'm getting bored because of it.
Fourth paragraph has good ideas, but again the cliches. (Sorry, if this is coming off as completely brutal. I really just want to help). Don't connect your last sentence with a semicolon. A period is much stronger here.
Overall the ideas are there, but the cliches are making this dry. I feel like you can go a lot deeper with your experience and why it's important to you. You seem to only be skimming the surface. Turn those cliches into more personal points. What I find helpful when doing this is going though and asking if every sentence is necessary. Take out the ones that aren't and elaborate on what is left.
I really like the idea of your essay and how this one song has become your sort of anthem. I like how you showed that you could remain positive throughout your family problems.
"During one of my many nights on the Internet, I stumbled across the song Marchin' On and I immediately took a liking to it. However, it was not significant at that point and I exited my browser."
This should probably be earlier in the essay
I did enjoy reading your essay a lot. As a huge fan of OneRepublic myself, I get what you're talking about. I don't really pay attention to cliches, so it didn't bother me. I would definitely listen to Jackyt, but I honestly like it just the way it is.
