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Common App: Monkey Children.


jen50192 4 / 37  
Nov 29, 2009   #1
Prompt:

I guess it would fall under this one.
- - -

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

Essay:

I silently crept into the 5th grade classroom, hoping that I would not disturb the teacher from further instructing the class. Taking slow paces around the room, I observed the elementary school environment.

"Ms. Jennifer! Hi! Hi! Hi!" I winced softly as a ruckus stirred the classroom. The teacher turned around and waved to draw me towards her direction.

"Today, I'm going to let you teach the class." My heart stopped. [My palms gathered sweat and my heart raced to an uneven beat.] What did she just say?

Right then and there, I imagined myself stuttering, the large teacher's addition literature book slipping out of my arms, and beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I uneasily scratched at my locks [head] and nodded accordingly as the teacher gave me directions for the lesson plan.

Normally, I would jump on a new experience like the one that was being offered but when the teacher announced to the classroom that she would be out for a good 30 minutes for an urgent meeting, I realized that I would be the only authority figure in the classroom. The kids saw me as a volunteer, I was their friend and not so much a teacher. I knew for a fact that they would misbehave. Been there, done that, I was in their shoes once, and a substitute's life was hectic. The students sat in their seats obediently as they worked diligently. Oh, I knew these kids, and they were certainly up to no good. As soon as their teacher exited the room and turned the corner, they would be up and out of their seats, yelling like caged monkeys.

I uneasily edged myself to the front of the classroom and smiled awkwardly at the classroom. Before the teacher vanished, I had told myself I could do this and that in reality, I was over exaggerating. I needed to be optimistic, the kids loved me, therefore, they would control themselves. My false assurance had only put me at ease for a few moments. They had sensed my nervousness and my urgency to start the lesson disappointed them.

"Why does your sweatshirt say JenJen on the back of it?" I laughed stiffly and stated simply that it was my nickname. Flipping through the many pages of the book, I could feel my cheeks flush.

"Oh, JenJen! Do you know my sister? She goes to Lincoln too!"
Gasps filled the room as loud whispers broke out.
"Me too! My brother goes there! His name is Darren and he's mean. Hit him for me okay?"
I remember my Teacher Academy (The Teacher Academy is a two-year pathway that engages students who wish to pursue a career in teaching with hands on guidance.) instructor had warned me. "They are naughty, they will try to get you off task by asking you senseless questions. Don't let them." The kids were doing exactly what she said they would do.

I feebly cleared my throat to get the 5th graders attention, but only a few students looked up at me. The laughter and chatter grew louder. My instructor had only said that point, but she had never told me how to deal with off task hooligans. The few students that had looked up brought their finger up to their mouth and 'shh'ed their classmates. Oh how I love the teacher's pets. But it still did not work. They were wary of my distress and only caused more raucous.

"Whenever Ms. Clarke is mad, she yells. So, yell at us!" All of the kids agreed with the child that I deemed the class jokester.

Did the kids just ask for me to yell at them? Wow. They really don't respect me.
Realizing that I was allowing them to do this, I closed my eyes and drew in a few breaths. I placed the oversized book on the table, sat on the stool beside me, and crossed my arms.

"Tell me when you are all ready."
A few moments later, silence. All eyes on me. For some reason, the queasiness in my stomach had disappeared. I followed out with the lesson plan and did what I had to do.

Ms. Clarke walked into the classroom, happy to find that the children were just as they were when she had walked out. What Ms. Clarke doesn't know, won't hurt her.

- - - -

What can I do to improve?
Any comments greatly appreciated!
I should probably add more on how this event affected me.
How can I do that? And where?
Muchos Gracias.
<3
yang 2 / 313  
Nov 30, 2009   #2
My palms gathered sweat and my heart raced to an uneven beat. - You really like doing that, don't you; Chinese culture perhaps?

winced softly - wince means flinch, you can't flinch softly. Winced by itself is enough

Haha, I know a JenJen 2

What Ms. Clarke doesn't know... won't hurt her. - I'm a fan of ... but you don't really have to follow that. However, either put the ellipses, either nothing, it's a comma splice as it is.

what have you learned? what is its impact? exactly, you are missing the prompt.

from what i understood, it's either
1. you learned a new way of getting attention
2. you learned how to handle kids

Honestly, the event is very nicely described, but you could cut some elements that do not pertain to the prompt. After reading your essay, I don't know who you are. HOW did you figure out how to make the kids behave? Is that your only point?

Your water slide essay is much more focused, we clearly sense your care for your brother. Here, it's just an experience. nothing else. Unless you SPECIFY why this is so important.


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