Hi, I feel like this essay would work for the Common App's Prompt #1 but I'm not really sure. And I reeeaaally want to get into Stony Brook or University of Buffalo. My college english teacher told me I had a funny writing voice after our first two essays so I thought I would take a funny approach to the prompt when writing this.
The Morning of Foamy Tears
I was showering at 6:16 a.m. as I lectured myself on the properties of carboxylic acids and mentally recited Maslow's hierarchy of needs, when suddenly, my eyes suddenly felt the scorching pain of a million balls of fire, burning my retinas to ashes. Foamy tears streamed down my cheeks, and I laughed at myself despite the excruciating pain. No, I was not on the verge of dying- I had simply gotten soap in my eyes.
The mental lecture on functional groups was put on hold as I realized what I'd done. Now, the normal course of action for any other person would've been to immediately rinse the eye with cold water. However, this was virtually impossible in my case for I had a fear of putting anything foreign in my eyes. For this reason, I'd always hated swimming underwater with my eyes open, and I'd have to pat them immediately with a towel after. After years of wearing glasses and worsening eyesight, I refuse to switch from my semi-broken spectacles to contacts; I could never put myself through myself through the anxiety of sticking thin plastic onto my retinas. When I was fifteen, I even cried when my parents attempted to hold me down to put eyedrops into my eyes. So, washing them with water was completely out of the question.
As I struggled to see clearly with bright parallel lights flashing in front of me, I unsuccessfully attempted to place the citrusy face wash back on the rack, causing it to crash into two bottles of conditioner and body wash. At 6:19, my disoriented vision graciously resulted in me slamming my knee into the side of the bathtub, and my foam-covered hands flew up to my face to protect it, idiotically rubbing the chemicals into my pupils. The next minute was spent contemplating the pros and cons of safely washing my eyes out. By 6:21, I was imagining surgery and hospitalization. I could almost feel the tiny microbeads exploding inside my eyelids, and the strong citrusy scented steam was filling the bathroom, reminding me I had once again forgotten to turn on the exhaust fan. My eyes felt like they were on fire, intensely radiating with heat, and with cloudy vision, managed to find my blue towel to pat my eyelids. Obviously, patting them with a towel wasn't going to remove the chemical on the inside; the only solution was to rinse them with cold water, which I childishly refused to do.
The time had finally begun to catch up on me at 6:24, and I realized I had to get out of the shower if I was to make it to the bus on time. At 6:25, I decided against the logical solution and to accept my defeat to a bar of soap. At 6:26, it became clear that letting the soap staying on my eyeballs all day probably wasn't the best idea I've had and I began mentally preparing myself to wash them out. Slowly, as if making a major life-and-death decision, I held my hand under the shower. I brought it closer and closer to my face, until I could see anything in front of me but the water in my hand, then abruptly dumped it onto the floor. I repeated it again, but this time my hand didn't fly away. Time had suddenly slowed down to an agonizing speed, and I felt like I was in a movie. Holding my breath, I proceeded to cup my hand full of water. I dipped my eye in it, the water feeling icy against my pupils, and forced myself to slowly blink three times. My hands instinctively flew to grab my towel and I did not exhale until my eyelids were completely devoid of water. My eyes felt so refreshed and cold, like the sensation of having water on top of mints, and I realized that I did it. I'd finally combatted my childhood fear.
This somewhat traumatic yet interesting experience taught me a very simple lesson in a unique way: A fear is just another hindrance obstructing my view, another barrier straining my focus. Facing them is always hard, whether it is being at heights, killing a spider or speaking in public. It might be uncomfortable, it might even burn, but it's going to burn even more if nothing is done to eradicate it. To this day, I cringe at the idea of having eyedrops in my eyes. I still have to pat my eyes dry immediately after washing them, and am still laughed at for not being able to open them underwater. Forcing myself to rinse the soap out of my eyes was a certain step towards destroying this fear, though, and I'm grateful for the day I pathetically cried foamy tears in the bathtub.
Hey Juhee ! Were you aiming to answer the prompt about a background, talent, or interest that could help complete your story as a student? If so, let me tell you that you did a fantastic job at it ! The humor by which you set up the story of overcoming your fear is a narrative that will most likely be remembered by the reviewer. After all, how many essays will he read that day that will bring him to laughter as he wraps up reading it?
One thing to note though, the essay would probably be better if you did not keep quoting the times of your actions in it. Nobody will believe that you were able to keep track of time while your eyes were burning with soap. If you can just tell the story without using a time reference, it will be smoother and funnier to read.
Other than that small critique from me, I really don't see the need to revise or shorten this essay. It is just the right length without going overboard on the wordiness. Maybe you can add something in the last paragraph about how that experience has taught you that you should constantly try to overcome your fears before it paralyzes you to the point of endangerment? I gathered as much from what happened to you in the bathroom and I believe that saying that will show the reviewer that you are still continuing to try and overcome your fears.
Thanks for the feedback! I wasn't sure I would be able to pull off the humorous writing style, but I feel much more confident about it now. I deleted the times (I wasn't so sure about that part anyway) and added a part about overcoming my fears today, so let me know how it sounds!
Forcing myself to rinse the soap out of my eyes was a certain step towards destroying this fear, though, and today, I can proudly say I make every effort to overcome the hurdles life throws in my way. Today, I can shamelessly say that I'm grateful for the day I pathetically cried foamy tears in the bathtub.
My eyes felt so refreshed and cold, like the sensation of having water on top of mints < This is a little unclear , and I realized that I did it I'd done it. I'd finally combatted my childhood fear. This somewhat traumatic yet interesting experience taught me a very simple lesson in a unique way: a fear is just another hindrance obstructing my view - another barrier straining my focusthis also should be rephrased . Facing them vague word choice is always hard, whether it is being at heights, killing a spider or speaking in publicthis whole list is awkward .
JP, I agree with the other EF contributors, you are one writer with great humor and take on entertaining your readers.
You made sure that your readers will have a great time reading your essay and leave them with a smile.
Now, this particular phrase is ok, it just needs a little amp.
- certain step towards destroyingovercoming this fear,
- though, and today,( this words are unnecessary )
- I can proudly say that I make every effort
- to overcomeresolve the hurdles life throws in my way.
You see the remarks above, the phrase just needs a few word modifications and a little bit of omitting words that are unnecessary.
I hope the corrections help and I wish you good luck.
Oh, by the way, for future writing reference, don't forget to include the prompt, it greatly helps the editor is we know what prompt are we answering or if there's any guidelines that the prompt is asking in order to come up with an enhanced essay to suit the task.
