This question plagued me various times when my friends went to get hair cuts as if it were a ritual gathering. While they enjoyed this phenomenon, I experienced one much the opposite: getting called a girl or a terrorist for having long hair and wearing a turban.
^When you first talk about a phenomenon, are you referring to your friends getting a haircut?
The notion that I had to be either white or brown was shattered
^You can not be either white or brown. Your skin color is determined by birth. Your perception of your skin color however, is something else.
In my mind, being exposed to this culture shock created room for my own development-not a planned series of events
^I do not understand this sentence. The '-' and what proceeds it, complicates the meaning in my opinion.
I've opened my window to the world,
^By having been brought up in America, and then having experienced your own actual culture, you have 'opened your window to the world?'. Perhaps, you are underestimating the size of the world?
becoming passionate about everything I do because I understand the necessity in doing things you believe in
^With your use of the pronoun 'you', are you actually referring to me?
I cherish this feeling because I know why I'm Sikh.
^You..did not know why you were Sikh before? How is that possible?
That's why I love to learn.
^You do not offer any previous explanation, so I do not see how you can say 'That is why I love to learn'...
I think your essay needs considerable work. The ABCD card is hackneyed and boring. Some of your expressions are not bad, but the majority of your essay features strong cliches and ineffective sentences.
Id just like to reiterate my sentiments to the 'I was lost between two cultures but OMG I discovered who I am through a magical moment'. I think these essays are boring and lame due to the unrealistic way in which they are typically narrated. Unfortunately, your type of essay is a typical narration. There is no description about your supposed moment of truth. There is no life to it. It is just sudden. Also, I fail to see how people, eating Indian food and listening to Indian music, but just adapting to the different cultural environment surrounding them, can confuse them as to what their ethnic identity is.