Hello,
Please have a look at my common app essay. Thank you so much!
Please write an essay (250 words minimum) on a topic of your choice or on one of the options listed below. This personal essay helps us to become acquainted with you as a person and student, apart from courses, grades, test scores, and other objective data. It will also demonstrate your ability to organize your thoughts and express yourself.
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
Nothing is a stronger motivator than passion. Nothing is a stronger influence than passion. Nothing is a stronger inspiration than passion. I have experienced the power of passion in my Junior College (JC) days. Passion gave me the persistence and determination and subsequently did wonders.
One of the major setbacks I had in my JC days was that of not being elected into the Board of Directors of the Interact Club. I was severely disappointed because deep down I held great passion for the club. Through the course of the election, I had put in my best and had come up with many great ideas which I wanted to implement in the capacity of board member. The thought of not being able to contribute as much as I would have liked to saddened me greatly.
Over the course of the next few days, I pondered over the elections and nailed down the key reason for my running. I ran because I had passion for the club and wanted to serve others. Then I realized that even without being a board member, I could still do what I wanted. I told myself that if I were truly passionate, I would still continue to contribute as eagerly despite the setback. My passion motivated me on by telling me to follow my heart and do whatever I really wanted to do, that not being a board member should not restrict how much I could contribute. Thereafter in the next few weeks, I continued to actively contribute to the club just as I have done so previously. Initially, people thought I had an ulterior motive in working hard despite my failure to get elected. However, overtime people realized that I was not doing it for anyone. I was in fact doing it out of passion. Overtime, even people who did not vote for me during the elections felt my enthusiasm and passion which burnt in me. Not only my peers but also my seniors and teachers were inspired and touched by my positive attitude.
Then came one day two months later, one of the elected board members relinquished his position as he suffered from severe depression and stress. To fill his place, the majority of the club and including the teachers recommended me for the post. I was surprised yet glad that over time people had shown much greater support for me to be in the board. I was happy that my passion took me to where I stood and that this passion had effectively influenced others positively. I showed my sincere appreciation to the club and went on to serve the club in the best of my capacity.
I am very thankful that I was given this opportunity to serve. It had opened up doors to close friendships within the board, a deeper learning experience and it also unlocked the great leadership potential in me. Coming back from a setback and then being provided with a rare opportunity, I am certain that I would have cherished the board position much more than the rest would have. It is only when something's lost that one realizes how precious and valuable the thing actually is. For me I do not regret going through such an experience. In fact, only with the failure of reaching my goal did I become stronger. Only with the experience did my character develop further. Only with this did I discover the wonders passion could do.
Moving on, I intend to take passion with me and have it applied to university context. I hope that this passion would be shown in my study of economics and in my participation of extra-curricular activities. May my passion provide me with the drive necessary to bring about positive change in university!
That's karma for you.
It's a well-written essay. The passion part of you is kinda lost in the middle and then it comes back up in the end, maybe it's just me, but I found that kinda odd.
Here is a place where you need a comma:
Then I realized that, even without being a board member, I could still do what I wanted.
Also:
My passion motivated me onward by telling me to follow my heart and do whatever I really wanted to do -- and that not being a board member should not restrict how much I could contribute. During the next few weeks, I continued to actively contribute to the club just as I had previously. Initially, people thought I had an ulterior motive in working hard despite my failure to get elected. However, over time people realized that I was not doing it for anyone...
You should get rid of "for me":
For me I do not regret going through such an experience.
Excellent, maybe you should consider taking some classes in political science! In fact, if that was your intended major, ti would make this essay even more powerful...
I like the anaphora in the beginning, very strong. I'd try to combine the last two sentences of your introduction, don't let the emphasis by short sentences fade by making the entire introduction like that.
eliminate "was that of" (paragraph 2)
change "Through" to "Throughout" (paragraph 2)
change "in the capacity of a board member" to "through the capacity of a board member" (paragraph 2)
change "I ran" to "I was running" (paragraph 3)
insert dash "However, overtime people realized that I was not doing it for anyone. I was in fact doing it out of passion." to "However, overtime people realized that I was not doing it for anyone - I was doing it out of passion." (paragraph 3, adds emphasis)
These are just some changes I feel would make the essay more varied in syntax. Again, just what I feel, not necessarily what you should change.
Thanks for all the comments! They have been very useful (:
