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common app essay : the person who carried me


weiweidays 1 / 1  
Dec 29, 2008   #1
i'm a Chinese student, so my essay might be a little awkward...Any suggestion and revision would be appreciate!!!

The Person Who Carried Me

As a foreigner, my English writing skill is not as good as native speakers' and I don't know how to write an essay with fancy phrases, but I can tell you the truest story in the most honest words.

13 years ago, poverty, shame, conflict, fight, a family was brought to the brink of ruin since the husband lost his job in depression. With nowhere to go, he went to America with all the hard-earned savings of the family, hoped to start a new career and promised he would eventually come back as soon as he succeeds.

After the man left, his wife realized her past life ended and a new hard life just began. Without her attentive husband, she had to learn to cook, ride a bicycle to take her daughter to school (They were too poor to afford a car), be independent, and also answer her little daughter's questions - where is dad, mom? When will he come back? - At least twice a day. "Dad went to America on business; he would be back next month." She lied every time. Actually, she herself didn't know the answers either.

Most traditional and conservative Chinese feel ashamed for an abandoned wife who brought up a child without a husband. So did her neighbours. They always talked about the woman behind her. However, the young woman never felt ashamed or complained, she ignored the gossip and kept her positive living attitude through all her life, even though she had a feeling her man wouldn't come back ever. Instead of beating her down, "The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune" built up her indomitable will and perseverance.

She devoted all her love and placed all her hope on her daughter, because her daughter is her only one. The girl is sent to learn violin, ballet, vocality and performing when she was only 6 years old. Her mother wanted her to learn as much as possible. She wanted her to be the best. As what she wished, the girl entered the best school, got the top student award and received compliments from everyone.

Not only the girl's academic life she contributed to a lot, but also the girl's personality has been influenced much by her mother as well. She didn't want to see her daughter repeating her pathetic mistakes that a weak woman started to stand on her own feet only after abandoned. She let her daughter walk home from school by herself everyday even though she couldn't be more worried when the picture of a little girl crossing the busy street during the rush hour came to her mind. When the girl was only 10 year-old, she got a chance to join a summer camp in a southwestern city which is very far away from her hometown. Unlike other anxious parents, her mother heartily agreed without the slightest hesitation.

Everytime the girl encountered great difficulty, her mother would tell her: "Nobody can help you except yourself." However, she wouldn't just be an onlooker and always gave the girl many useful advices from her own life experiences. In other's view, as a mother she was a little bit cold for that she always asked the little girl to sort things out by herself, but from the bottom of her heart, the girl knows her mother is the one who loves her most in this world.

Eventually, the couple got divorced at the 8th year since the man left. And he was never back. He married again in America. After the little girl graduated from high school, he asked her to move to US to live with him and his second wife. Her mother agreed with that for she expected her girl to receive better college education here, so the girl came to Boston.

It has been heavily snowing lately in Boston. Every night the girl walks home alone, looks back and sees her own footprints. She would think of her mom. When she was little her mom walked her to school in the snow, but sometimes there was only one set of footprints, it was then that her mom carried her.

She suddenly realized her mom has been wholeheartedly helping and supporting her through all the past 19 years. She has experienced countless times while thinking about to give up, but she never did because she knows her mom is her powerful backing and her mom's philosophy about life has been constantly affecting her.

However, the story is not finished yet. The little girl in the story has already grown up. One day, she would become her own man - a strong determined, independent, versatile, positive and optimistic woman. At that time she will tell her mom, "I am your man. I am able to carry you."
Bliss 2 / 11  
Dec 30, 2008   #2
"As a foreigner, my English writing skill is not as good as native speakers' and I don't know how to write an essay with fancy phrases, but I can tell you the truest story in the most honest words."

I dont think this paragraph is necessary. The essay is pretty good, and the story is really touching. but I feel like the main focus is your parents instead of you.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 30, 2008   #3
Hi, I think bliss (has a really great user name!) is correct to suggest that you should not write about your limited writing skill. However, the honesty you express is good.

Try writing it the way I suggest below.


As a person to whom English is a second language, my writing skill is not yet as eloquent as it soon will be; I may not yet write with fancy phrases, but I can tell you the truest story in the most honest words.

Thirteen years ago, poverty, shame, conflict, fight, a family was brought to the brink of ruin since the husband lost his job in depression. With nowhere to go, he went to America with all the hard-earned savings of the family, hoped to start a new career and promised he would eventually come back as soon as he succeeds.

After the man left, his wife realized her past life ended and a new hard life just began. Without her attentive husband, she had to learn to cook, ride a bicycle to take her daughter to school (They were too poor to afford a car), be independent, and also answer her little daughter's questions: "Where is dad, mom? When will he come back?" she would ask at least twice a day. "Dad went to America on business; he will be back next month." She lied every time. Actually, she herself didn't know the answers either.

She didn't want to see her daughter repeating her pathetic mistakes that a weak woman started to stand on her own feet only after abandoned.

This makes it sound like you think she was pathetic. It is better to write that she wanted to EMPOWER her daughter... do not write about pathetic mistakes.
amy 5 / 39  
Dec 30, 2008   #4
Wow. Your essay is so touching. I almost cried. The ending is beautiful, and the paragraph where you tak about the footprints in the snow is impeccable. I loved it. Great, great job.
zowzow 10 / 175  
Dec 30, 2008   #5
just a small thing

So did her neighbors.

neighbors there should be without the u. If you're using microsoft word, make sure you change the word check to english (USA) because your british-like english is differnet to americans

it stuffed me up too lol
OP weiweidays 1 / 1  
Jan 4, 2009   #6
thank you Bliss, i think so too, maybe i should write more about how my personality built up instead of my mom's ^^

thank u so much, kevin, u help me a lot, really!
i read that story before and actually that's where my inspiration came out, LOL
does it make my essay unoriginal?? oh..i hope not..
since the essay is not focusing on the God's story but mine, so do i have to mention that? cuz i don't want to make it too long...how can i mention it briefly?

and about the "pathetic mistake", how can i revise it?

thank u Amy, haha, LOL, i'm so happy u like it, actually, it's not a sad story, cuz i love my mom so much, and she loves me too ^__^

zowzow, for u pointing my mistakes hehe, cuz in China, teachers usually teach us British English, maybe that's why my essay looks weird, it's like Chinglish plus British haha, anyways, thank u too!

wow, i wasn't expecting so much reply, i appreciate all the corrections and suggestions!! THANK U ALL GUYS!!
newsha31 19 / 75  
Jan 4, 2009   #7
This was just wonderful! god bless u and ur mother. im sure u will succeed. :)


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