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Common App question: Elaborate on one of your activities. Activity: Running


t1292 11 / 21  
Dec 6, 2009   #1
Question on the Common App
limited to 150 words.
Does it really succeed in elaborating?
it is exactly at 150 words thats why I ended the way I did.
I have two versions which one should I use?

Running has caused me the worst pain of my life. It has purloined time away from homework, friends and sleep. I've fallen in mud, I've frozen my feet in snow and I've had countless nose bleeds. All of this and the highest I've ever placed is 4th. I have never been so proud of myself. I didn't start running until late in my junior year and I compete against girls who have been running most of their lives while I could never even climb the rope in gym . Now I'm able to run a 3.1 mile race.

Through running, I've discovered self confidence and a sense of belonging. Looking at my coach or teammates makes me push my body to a point I never thought it could reach. Running has also helped me realize that there is no limit to what I can do if I strive at it.

I only began running track at 16. I practice everyday from 4-7PM and in the mornings on the weekends. I am the newest the 5 people team and I struggle to keep up with my experienced team mates; one of which is Maryland State Champion runner-up.

Through running, I have discovered self confidence and a sense of belonging. Looking at my coach or teammates faces as I continue to get faster makes me push my body to a point I, the girl who couldn't even climb the rope in gym class, never thought it could reach. After months of pain and hard work I realize that there is no limit to what I can do if I strive for it. Life is a lot like running meaning no victory will ever come easy. I no longer fear hard work or question that I'm able to do whatever I strive at.

noiresia 1 / 6  
Dec 6, 2009   #2
It's worded very weirdly, but here, I'll try:

Running track and cross country has caused me the worst pain of my life. It has taken time away from homework, friends and sleep. I've fallen in mud, I've frozen my feet in snow and I've had countless nose bleeds. All of this and the highest I've ever won was 4th place. I have never been so proud of myself. See I didn't start running until the summer of my junior year, competing against girls who have been running most of their lives . What's the point right? Here I am going against girls who have been running since 9th grade and prior.Me. The girl who could never even climb the rope in gym class. Somehow my friends requited me in this strange world of athletics in which everything is seen differently, for instance I no longer let anyone copy my homework being that if I'm able to complete it even though I don't get home until 7 or 8 what's there excuse?

I think you had a lot of irrelevant sentences such as the last one I opted to delete. Instead, end it by showing how running track has made you proud and how it has changed you. Or by stating that even though track is hard your love for it fuels your drive and strength.

i'm sorry I took out half of your essay! but now at least you can make a worthwhile ending :)
good luck!
OP t1292 11 / 21  
Dec 6, 2009   #3
Thank You! Very helpful I think I'll add something from the other one to this one much appreciated!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Dec 8, 2009   #4
If you are going for brevity, go all the way:
Running has caused me the worst pain of my life . You have to experiment to see where you can take words out to make the reader's experience more powerful. Running has caused the worst pain. Your sentence is intriguing if you cut unnecessary words.

Hey, I like your theme but the last sentence is a little cliched! How about making a funny or striking observation, something you figred out about running that others don't know. I can tell you have a deeper understanding; you have a nice way of writing.

:-)
fromagebus 3 / 7  
Dec 8, 2009   #5
Running has also helped me realize that there is no limit to what I can do if I strive at it.

Maybe..."Running had made me more aware of the road I'm on and where I plan to be"

You did a FANTASTIC job editing yourself.


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