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Common App Essay "Shower Dreams"

dbsqudtlr 4 / 22  
Dec 7, 2009   #1
Here is another essay that I have written.
Please edit it and tell me whether you like this one or my other essay titled "I am an alien" better.

Thank you very much.

Shower Dreams

Time is life itself, and life resides in the human heart.- Michael Ende,Momo

A stream of warm water gently rubs my hair, my back, and my feet. Soon, the whiteness of the tiled walls around me vanishes from my perception. I vaporize together with the steam and begin a journey through time and space. In a hot shower, my imagination and dreams know no bounds.

One moment, I find myself in silent prayer. Dishes break. My parents' voices create discords, and vehement remarks are passed on in each direction. My brother shouts something in a shaky voice and locks himself in his cubicle upstairs. With sorrow and repulsion, I remember with a shiver, the court, my mother's new apartment and the distant expression in her eyes. After a while, tranquility returns momentarily. I let out a sigh of relief and let the water carry my tears.

Recovered, I envision myself in a third world country. I am a surgeon, with the ability to restore life and positively impact others with some courage and willingness to help. Free of monetary concerns or social ambitions, I help the destitute, those who have been abandoned or missed by others. My heartbeat quickens as I imagine myself saving lives with my own hands and sharing happiness and struggles with the people who live there. Despite the linguistic and cultural barriers, I embrace their differences and appreciate their gentle smiles, a fountain of joy in my life.

The bubbles from the shampoo slowly descend from my head to my toes, lightly touching my skin like a field of reeds brushing against my arms as I run through them. This time, I become a biomedical engineer contributing to the improvement of humanity. I pick up a sample of cancer cells and carefully scrutinize it with penetrating eyes. What are the fundamental processes that make these patients sick? How can I make chemotherapy less detrimental or perhaps make the bone marrow transplant safer? I dream of helping others fulfill their dreams, dreams to be healed and to survive.

The water softly massages my face. I open my mouth and let it tickle my tongue. In a moment, I discover myself among a roomful of foreign diplomats. I hear English spoken with a Farsi accent, a Chinese accent, and the familiar Korean accent of my own, defending my nation and presenting the opinions of my people before the world. I imagine myself in a conversation with a North Korean diplomat. Though smiling, I discuss with fortitude and passion the relationship between North and South Korea, denuclearization, unification of the Korean peninsula, and construction of global peace.

The warm vapor fills my lungs. I raise my fingers in the air and set them on an invisible Stradivarius. The bow, my toothbrush, feels lighter than ever, and the strings resonate with emotion and grace. The water creates an orchestra. It accompanies me, and we communicate through rhythm and sound. A musician, I compose beauty and joyfulness for the world around me.

Without warning, the orchestra ceases to play, and the cold air of reality replaces the warm vapors. Yet in my heart, I am a surgeon, a biomedical engineer, a diplomat, and a musician. Time does not threaten me. Instead of trying to capture time, I move forward with determination and let it pass by. I am no hero, but I am a dreamer. I know my limits, yet I do not know impossibility or giving up. Though my shower is concluded, my dreams continue to propel me forward. I open the shower curtain and prepare to step into the world.
Katsch 4 / 63  
Dec 7, 2009   #2
Forgive me if I'm just being ignorant, but what exactly is the impression you are trying to make about yourself in this essay? And what is the significance behind using the shower imagery? Is it just a place you can dream?

After reading this, I get the idea that you're trying to show your diversity of interests, but it feels a bit disjointed to me combining them into a single essay as you mind skips from future career to future career.

It may be just my opinion, but I think an essay should focus more on a single aspect of you and cover it thoroughly than try to cover all points more vaguely. I really enjoy your descriptive language though, and this is a very nicely written essay. I'd definitely get some more thoughts from other people on this one, as I'm not sure what an admissions officer would want to see.
Vulpix - / 71  
Dec 7, 2009   #3
Katsch, I completely agree.
Although I like this essay and how it combines shower imagery (haha, I don't get to use the phrase "shower imagery" very often) with your aspirations for the future, it feels a little random and sporadic, especially since everything is described in a sort of meditative dream state. What do you plan to do to achieve your dreams? How does your major, perhaps, tie into your plans for the future? If you could focus more on the specifics of one idea, perhaps the favorite of your dreams, and brought in concrete details and evidence and goals, I could see this becoming a very strong admissions essay.
OP dbsqudtlr 4 / 22  
Dec 7, 2009   #4
Thank you guys.
Could a moderator or a contributor please look at this essay?
Some people I have asked like it very much while others think it's not good.

Hmm...what am I supposed to dooo?? :P
robertsheperd80 4 / 9  
Dec 8, 2009   #5
pretty good. But you have some gramatically mistakes. Read it again. you can find them easily.

best regards
OP dbsqudtlr 4 / 22  
Dec 8, 2009   #6
Thank you very much :) I will definitely do that :p
ganadara000 1 / 6  
Dec 8, 2009   #7
Sorry, although this essay leaves a strong impression on the reader, what kind of impression do you want to leave? I do not undrestand the question being answered.

But the essay is amazing with all the imagery and stuff!
OP dbsqudtlr 4 / 22  
Dec 8, 2009   #8
Thank you everyone :)

There is no definite prompt.
My main essay was about being an immigrant and stuff and I didn't have room to talk about what I wanted to be in the future. That was why I wanted to tell them through this essay some of the jobs I really want to pursue in the future :P

I think I understand the things that you guys point out though. It seems maybe too all-over-the-place. I was planning to include this essay as a Harvard Supplement and possibly other schools' supplements :)

Thank you so much for your criticisms!
fromagebus 3 / 7  
Dec 8, 2009   #9
I like it. robertsheperd80 is right about some of the grammar. I suggest that you move a few things around at the end.

Without warning, the orchestra ceases to play, and the cold air of reality rushes in. Once again time moves forward. Instead of trying to capture it, I let it rise and drift away.In my heart, I know the truth - I am a surgeon, a biomedical engineer, a diplomat, and a musician. Drops of water fall from my skin. Ready to pursue my dreams, I open the shower curtain and step into the world.

I hope this helps. Good luck!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 9, 2009   #10
No comma here: I am a surgeon with the ability to ...

I'm impressed! This is quite a brilliant piece of writing. I hope you'll pay attention to some of the classic literature you'll encounter in college and really hone your skill.

As the essay is not, is seems like it is incomplete. What is the significance of the parents fighting. What is the significance of the shower? This is already excellent, but if it was to be, for example, part of a novel, you would want to make the shower symbolic of something (washing something away, perhaps), and you would connect all the details in that conclusion para. A good way to perfect this is to mention every point made in the essay when you write the conclusion paragraph. What is the significance of the shower, and what is the significance of them fighting... those are my main questions.

Thanks, you make me a better writer with your example!

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