Please feel free to be as honest as you want!
"Sign Up"
The student reclined on his rocking chair and typed diligently on his laptop with his index fingers. His wrinkled face was illuminated by the screen's glow as he scanned his story for errors. The student was my grandfather: at 82-years-old, he had learned how to use a computer.
My grandfather was a lifelong learner. He hated the "comfort zone". After graduating university, he volunteered to take a position in as an engineer in the underdeveloped northeastern China. My grandfather grew up on a farm in the temperate south, but instead of working in Nanking, where opportunities were abundant and the winters were warm, he packed his bags for Harbin, the city infamous for its bitterly cold winters. My grandfather, instead of being a fish out of the water, seemed to have found his home. The experience of learning a new dialect and adapting to a new way of life excited him. He signed up for lengthy business trips to France, Denmark, and Russia to bring new technologies back to China, and as a result, he became fluent in French and Russian. His curiosity never diminished with age - as soon as he retired, he enrolled in art college and began writing his first novel.
"Whatever scares you - sign up for it," he told me over the phone in his warm, southern-Chinese accent. I could hear his words reverberating through my mind when I decided to run for Student Council President. The thought of having my face on posters plastered around the school was intimidating, but I knew that if I were to grow as a person, I would have to overcome my fear. When I discovered I was the runner-up, I felt hardly any disappointment. I had unlocked an achievement that I could have forsaked. As a result of my experiences in campaigning and public speaking, I successfully ran for President of my Junior Achievement Company and began leading a student-run company of over 40 high-school students.
I thought about my grandfather's decision to live in the brutal cold to build character as I decided to begin skateboarding. With every scrape and bloodied knee, I became more hand-eye coordinated and alert.
I thought about my grandfather's decision to expand his horizons and live in France for a year by himself as I decided to take equestrian lessons. Horseback riding taught me to maintain composure and control - even when my horse suddenly bursts into an uncontrollable cantor.
My grandfather influenced me by showing me that the most important part of living is to sign up for every opportunity to experience life.
Your essay is really good and your grandfather is super inspiring. :) Some things that crossed my mind were:
1.You used "instead of" twice in your second passage. I am guessing you were trying to be dramatically consistent, but others might think it was redundant. Maybe you should put something else on the second "instead of.
2. "even when my horse suddenly bursts into an uncontrollable cantor"- since the first part of the sentence was in past tense, i think the second part sounds better in past tense as well. " ....suddenly bursted..."
3. Again, i do understand why you broke up passages in three parts in the last bit. But how about putting all three in one?
4. I get this all the time as well on my essays so i kinda cringe when i say this but do you think you could work on your last sentence? I love your essay so i feel like it needs better ending.
"Whatever scares you - sign up for it," - ridiculously amazing. Who would have thought i would learn life lessons in essayforum. haha. All the best to you.
Thanks so much! I'm actually really stuck on finding an effective conclusion... been literally staring at the screen for 10 hours and nothing. I did put the last three paragraphs in one though.
Your essay was very good, but I think this phrase should be deleted "I successfully ran for President of my Junior Achievement Company and began leading a student-run company of over 40 high-school students "
Because I heard from somewhere that college do not like to hear how you like saved the world or did something amazing, instead they want to hear it from an experience. I hope that I am making sense.
Thanks Jae, I'm going to take a look at ur essays in a sec :)
For some reason, I still feel a little insecure about this essay - like there's something off topic about it? I don't know. Any more critiques? I'd love them right now!
I liked it! Make sure you proofread again because there were some minor errors in there, usually unnecessary "the's"
"he was learning the ropes of using a MacBook Pro" just sounds awkward to me. Learning how to use a MacBook Pro I think would be better here, even if it isn't creative.
"he volunteered to take a position in as an engineer"
"However, my grandfather seemed to have found his element."
It's a good essay, but I'm a little worried. This essay is more about your grandfather than it is about you. I would try to cut your grandfather's section down a little bit and focusing more about what you've learned from him.
