Hi everyone, this is my Common App essay on a person who has had a significant influence on my life. Please look through the essay and review it. Harsh criticism is welcomed/ :)
It is always the simplest things in life which leave a huge imprint upon our lives. This can be a sincere smile, an innocent nod or perhaps even a guileless conversation. Whatever the reason, it usually makes us a better person. When I was fifteen I met a person who made a huge impact upon my life.
Shivering in the cold winter morning, I am having a hot cup of coffee while waiting for the metro, when I see a little young girl staring up at me with huge, green eyes. I look around searching for her parents but they are nowhere to be found. I walk up to her.
"Hello, I am Eustace. What is your name? Where are you parents?"
"My name Alia. Me lost. Mommy and Daddy lost too."
Shocked as I am that she is lost, what surprises me is how nonchalantly she says that she is lost. I feel that it makes no difference to her. I quickly call up my parents but they say that they are too busy at work. Since I am not as heartless so as to leave her alone, I decide to go to the police. When I tell Alia that, she shakes her head profusely saying that her mother and father are not allowed to be in the city.
Confused, I decide to wait with her for a few hours until someone comes to look for her. During the wait, I ask her to share her life story with me. In broken English, she tells me that she was born in India in a tiny village. Her educated family was kicked out of the village because her mother had given birth to a girl. Her parents roamed around from place to place earning money through odd jobs for four years. During this time, they tried to educate Alia at home and taught her everything they knew. However, they also told her to beg on the streets since children gain more sympathy. One day they encountered a trader who offered them a permanent job in Dubai if they gave him thousand rupees. They took the job but to their surprise on arriving, her parents were shocked to learn that there was no job waiting for them. They told Alia to go to a coffee shop while they tried to sort out the mess they were in. They never came back.
Alia's story almost made me cry. I realized the hardships girls faced in India. The girl's courage astonished me. She was smiling throughout the story and strongly believed that her parents would come back. Around five hours later, a police man on his rounds asked me about the girl and I told him her story. He told me that the girl had to go with him and be handed over to the proper authorities. I explained this to Alia and she unwillingly went away with him. Before leaving, she gave me a strand of her hair saying that she believed that hair had the magical properties of remembrance. She told me to never forget her and I never did.
I never met her again but her story had a deep impact on my life. After coming home, I asked my parents about these traders and my parents told me that India was a site for all such crimes. No one was safe and will never be. From this little girl, I realized the importance of facing hardships in life with a smile because panicking and crying have never helped anyone. She also taught me how lucky I was to have such nice parents.
Hello,
How old was this girl that she knew so much about her plight? Honestly, the story doesn't sound too believable, but in case it is, what is the significant impact that it had on your life? Did you become an anti human-trafficking champion? Did you decide to dedicate your life to saving young girls such as Alia? Understanding her struggles is ok, but where is the major impact it had on your life? -AAO
Hope this helps.
It is a nice story. But you have written it in the present tense and it has happened a long time ago in your life. And there are parts in your essay where the past tense is also used making it a little confusing at times.
The impact on your life due to the girl is unclear. You say that you admired her courage but you did not specify how it impacted you as a person. Also being lucky to have good parents does not seem to have any connection between the influence the little girl had on you.
The story itself is pretty good one, but i think you have not justified the requirement of the essay. Try elaborating on something you did due to the girl's influence on you. That would align the essay with the topic.
hope this helps. :)
