Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
*** NOTE: I bolded the parts of the essay I wasn't sure about. I feel like the essay is a bit melodramatic. Do you agree? Please give me your honest opinion! I'm applying to an art school by the way. Word Count: 686
Nobody knew me. The thought scared me out of my wits. My view of the world was about to spin out of its tightly-knit, familiar environment. Junior year loomed grimly before me.
My dad had taken a job in Washington DC. So in a humid July morning, I left Seoul on a plane. One minute I was in it, and the next I was watching it shrink as the plane went farther into the clouds. Then I was on the other side of the world.
Moving to Virginia was a surreal experience; I was born in the U.S. and had visited often, but still the place seemed foreign to me. The tranquility of my new suburban environment differed greatly from the chaos of the city. The streets at night were empty and had no lit-up signs floating in the dark. The skies were bright and wide, unobstructed by the tops of building and skyscrapers. People here were friendly and neighborly, and did not drive like maniacs. I didn't like it. Eventually the dreaded first day of school arrived and I went, not knowing what to expect. Trying to remember my friend's advice to "be yourself", I walked into my first class and my thoughts betrayed me as an influx of doubts rushed into my mind.
Throughout my first week I was faced with the same question from my peers: "Why do you speak English so well if you're from Korea?" It was all quite ironic. Despite the fact that I have always been an American citizen, going to an American school on an American military base, I felt like an outsider in America. I hardly ever knew what my peers were talking about when they flocked in groups, sharing gossip and making cultural references. It was a similar kind of alienation I experienced in Korean subways, where I would chatter in English with a friend and receive incredulous glares from the local people. Really the only place I felt at home was on base. My brother had left for college, my mother was working long hours, and my father had gone on a six-month deployment to Afghanistan in that same month. I felt lonelier than ever, but the solitude made me all the more determined to adjust. Surely, I was not the only one going through a culture shock; I grew up around military kids who were always on the move. If my friends could do it every other year, why couldn't I?
I realized I had been clinging on to my old life. I had been constantly comparing new school to my old school - its remarkable diversity, its intensive IB program, and its student body of 1,300 that seemed immense compared to the 600 I was used to. I had been afraid to open up to all the unfamiliarity and it was preventing me from doing what I wanted to do and being who I wanted to be. So I decided to open up. I joined clubs. I joined the marching band. I took an art class for the first time in school. Soon enough I was enjoying school and making friends from all kinds of different backgrounds.
I found out that each place had a beauty of its own, and I learned to love Virginia for its peaceful, empty streets and wide, unobstructed skies. My view of the world has expanded along with my view of the sky. I am more willing to experience things I have never experienced. Here I discovered that art is my passion. I'd always loved drawing, but had doubted the reliability in pursuing an art career. After being able to take an art class and learning how to face uncertainty I have realized that it is something I want to for the rest of my life, and that I don't need to be afraid of pursuing it. Now my goal is to do it for a living. For who could ask for more than being able to wake up every morning happy to go to work?
The image of Seoul under clouds as a sweeping grid of tiny concrete cubes is still vivid in my mind. The city that nurtured me will always remain my home, but everyone leaves home one day. It was when I left that comfort when I truly learned how to become open minded. This town that has witnessed my growth will also remain close to my heart. I know that in the future, with every bewildering new environment and challenge life will throw at me, people won't know who I am. That's fine, because I'll make sure they will.
Thank you!
I had never been in a situation where I was forced to meet new people or fit in; way back when on the other side of the world, I lived without a care in a comfortable, familiar environment, with good friends I had known since the first grade.
I had been constantly comparing George C. Marshall High School to my old oneschool - its remarkable diversity, its intensive IB program, and its student body of 1,300 that seemed immense compared to the 600 I was used to.
I joined clubs. I joined the marching band.
I know that in the future, with every bewildering new environment and challenge life will throw at me, people won't know who I am at first . That's fine, because I'll make sure they will.
It's nicely written, perhaps if reworded your first paragraph for a stronger hook? Something like: Nobody knew me. It made me uncomfortable not to be known, considering I came from a tight-knit community where I lived without a care in the world. The comfortable, familiar environment, with good friends I had known since the first grade were all about to change. Junior year loomed grimly before me.
Haha, sorry if i took it too out of context, tried to spice it up a little because the first paragraph is usually the deciding factor.
Good luck! I have to step out for a bit so I'll look at your other one when i get back. Good job! (and thanks for looking at mine haha). I liked how you explained being accustomed to American lifestyle without visitng the country, that was interesting.
I really like the imagery additions your essay, be careful not to jump from different subject matters to much. Maybe smooth out the transition it by ending the paragraph with a related sentence that picks up in the next?
Otherwise, I really like the sense of new found purpose and resolve. This is good. Keep it up. =D
People here were friendly and neighborly, and did not drive like maniacs. I didn't like it.
Wait, you didn't like the fact they were friendly?
If so, rephrase it maybe like this: I found that unlike my hometown, people were overly familiar with each other. Their driving was also unfamiliar to me, and I found myself uncomfortable to this change.
Or something like that to clarify...
Sorry it took so long. I finally got my second prompt up haha.
Good luck!
I liked the description! Our essays are similar in a way.
If I could make suggestions, some of the phrases are redundant.
I get the sense that you want to accentuate the fact you joined the clubs, but it sounds repetitive.
Also, what Haru21 suggested. That sentence needs a clarification =)
Criticize my essay from Korean perspectives?
