Hey there, can someone please look over my essay and suggest some feedback. I want to see if it answers the prompt. I need to shorten it in some ways as well. Also I want to have a good conclusion so any opinion is helpful! Its a bit long so please someone help me!
Option #1. Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
Failure is Just a Test
I am the founder and Chief Executive Officer of Stay Up Clothing, a clothing line that serves as a reminder for people to push ahead through tough times. We started off as a small business, but soon caught the media's attention due to our rapid growth. However, the success of my business did not come without endurance, hardships, and determination, traits that allowed me to build my brand and gave me the confidence to succeed in whatever path I choose to pursue.
As with any new business, the first obstacle is building brand name and expanding customer base. My clothing line originally started with only one product - a soft, black crewneck with "Stay Up" embroidered on the front in white to wear on a cool day, keeping students warm. There was no reason for people to trust my clothes because it was student-built, so I asked my friends to wear my shirt to school to create brand awareness. Using their affiliation, I persuaded people to buy my shirts one by one, attaining 62 people to fill my first order. The 62 people who will wear my shirt at school will create a domino effect, eventually spreading it to other students and schools.. I dreamily smiled at this thought and paid my deposit fee of $650 for my first order.
When I heard the FedEx truck roll into our neighborhood, I raced downstairs to open the door for him. He dropped a package off at the house across from me, and the house next to mine, but didn't stop at my house.
"Excuse me, but do we have anything today?"
"No. Sorry."
Maybe it will come tomorrow. Things can be late. I waited until the end of the week, and nothing came again. I called Ron Galecio, who was our supplier, only to find that it went straight to his voicemail". I constantly called him and texted him but to my dismay, no replies. My heart sunk with disappointment because I knew that my first order failed and lost so much money. I refunded my customers and explained the situation; some understood, and some were angry. Stay Up cannot fall after this trial, because Stay Up means going beyond obstacles. I sought out orders again, begging the same students, pleading new ones, and even asking family members. I only had 29 students for my second order, but it was enough to proceed. Learning from my mistake, I did careful research into my supplier. My shirts finally arrived. I opened the box, and "Stay Up" popped right out against the black cotton fabric. The students who wore my crewnecks to school made it a fashion statement. Soon, students from all classes started asking about my shirts, local newspapers raved about our success, and even Emilio Dosal, a member of MTV's America's Best Dance Crew champions, wore it in his music video.
My brand's success continues to grow everyday and I could not be any happier of what I built with my own hands. That very first obstacle crushed me, but we fall down so that we can learn to pick ourselves back up. While I lost a lot of trust that day, coming to school with nothing but apologies and explanations, I also gained a lot through my future customers. I did not give up on my brand when my parents told me to give up, and when students put me down for being tricked. I worked harder than the first time to get my second order batch, and continued to do so to build my reputation. That one failure pushed me to surpass any future obstacles, and showed me that hard work pays. Now I have a contract with Selix Tuxedo Company for custom suit designs for prom. I know that things do not always go as plan, but everything pays off in the end as long as I endure through it.
Yes, it answers the prompt and yes, the second and third paraagraph is way to wordy. Get to the point, versus give details. What else besides a bad first supplier who defaulted on your deposit was your failure (I don't see any other.) Hence the gravitas of your example is a bit on the light side. Aside from losing money, how else did you face adversity?How did you come up with the needed money and how did you repay whomever funded you?
