Question: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
The white stick of a Jolly Rancher lollipop rolled between my fingers. As it spun, the light from the ceiling created many shades of love-filled red and innocent pink. The smooth texture made it irresistible, and without thinking, I took a bite. There is a parallel between the lollipop and life, my life in particular; the untouched lollipop resembles my sheltered life, and the bitten one mirrors my scarred life -the life that changed with an urgent call, the sudden ring of reality.
A call from my father filled me with great anxiety. His message was: "Listen, your mom has collapsed." The news came to me so abruptly that I was at the edge of sanity. Under much chaos, I found myself in a car heading toward Yale Hospital. Under the sky of melancholy purple, the three-hour trip was painful. My attempt to think optimistically continued to fail. But frankly, there was nothing that I could do. Confronting reality, I rushed to see my mother and fell into great despair at the sight. I did not need to look for any excruciating facial remarks for her overall condition was at its worst. It was hard to accept the fact that she has suffered a cerebral aneurysm. The pain in my heart was shattering.
We were moved to the family room and soon those chairs became our beds. This was not the first time that something like this had happened, but the trauma that I felt was never less. It was a mixed feeling of fear of loss and anger over my ignorant self who did not notice any sign of this illness. Those emotions were clumped up like a gumball, too difficult to chew and impossible to swallow.
My mother did make a great recovery afterward. Her week in the hospital could be more or less said to be magical. For five days, she was in a coma in the ICU with unknown prognosis. But after that, she woke up and was soon discharged. As for me, I woke up from my immature self. Life was no longer about my needs and wants, but it was about my family. I began to work to relieve the financial burden on my parents. Even though my summer vacations and evenings were ruined because of work, I feel satisfied. I learned that it is good to have fun, but it is better to be responsible. This was probably the reason I have never experienced the rebellious stage as a teenager since it was unaffordable. Now, what's left from the lollipop? All I can see is a straight white stick, an independent self.
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Please do not hold back you thoughts. I appreciate any suggestion.
Also, do you guys think this is a suitable topic? Does it tell much about me, or should I change it?
Thank you for your help.
I like the description you start off with at the beginning but maybe take out the second sentence or make it a little more clear since I didn't understand it/why it was there at first. I like your comparison but maybe explain it more in one or two sentences. Maybe say that when you bit into the lollipop, it represents a shattered life rather than scarred, how your "sheltered" existence turned upside down when you heard the news. I don't know, just helpful suggestions. Also try to make the third paragraph a little clearer. You can make the first sentence of the third paragraph really catchy if you clean it up a bit. Do you mean the waiting room or the family room in your house? It gets confusing. The concept is good, just clarify and maybe pinpoint some details where you can really expand on your creativity. I'd be happy to re-read the updated version!
"I did not need to look for any excruciating facial remarks for her overall condition was at its worst." I'm not sure about the word "remarks" here, but "features" doesn't work either, hmmm...
Other than that, good essay!
:)
Kevin
