Right, so Common App essay. Joining the Early Action rush-herd of people, if such a thing exists.
Prompt was one of the six Common App ones, which are as follows.
1. Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
2. Discuss some issue of personal, local, national, or international concern and its importance to you.
3. Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
4. Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence.
5. A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you.
6. Topic of your choice.
I am fairly certain it doesn't fit the first five, so am currently planning on submitting under the 'your choice'. Tell me if I am wrong, of course. : >
I want to get into one of Swarthmore, Haverford, UChicago, or Wooster, so I would appreciate knowing if I and my essay are up to snuff for each of these schools. Again, tell me if I'm not, please.
Essay follows. I will post my own opinion of my essay after I get one reply. It is 574 words, 74 more than the recommended word bound, so anything that should be trimmed can be. Again, tell me if anything's not good, if I should attach it as a file, if I should lower my standards for schools, if I'm the reincarnation of Hitler, Stalin, and Pol Pot and will burn for my dirty communistic fascist genocidal deeds, anything at all. : >
Humans are comparable to snowflakes. Of course, we aren't actually ice - that's not how metaphors work! What I mean, more specifically than the proverb that no two are exactly alike, is as follows.
From our creation, we aren't complete six-sided snowflakes. We start as a grain of dust, without any burden or knowledge, or existance as a snowflake. Someday, forces beyond our control introduce us to our new world: you're alive! You're one of us! Look! You can fly! You can fall if you want - just live first - and grow, mature, and ripen into a snowflake to make us proud when it hits the ground.
We have to grow, and we have to grow up. Just as we started as dust (biblically and metaphorically), every crystal that we gain, condenses on a particle. A full and ideal snowflake without dirt or bacteria for the ice to grow on simply does not exist. Nor does a human have a growing and maturing life without experiences. Some of this maturity will have things at their core that we would rather not have at all - but without them you will either remain a speck without the ability to stand up a snowflake or ice will condense on shapeless ice, becoming something else entirely.
Someday we will fall out of the cloud of our childhood, where our cherished and shaming experiences helped us grow, and fly down to Earth. Some of us will be mature already, and some of us will not. Either way, starting to fall will happen even if we would rather frolick in the sky, as we age into young adults gazing back at better times, or it will begin with a joyful glee looking forward towards the journey of life and the place we could find on the ground.
The fall itself is a time of transition. Some start it as adults; others younger. It is a time where we will eventually find a place in the world. A few falls will take longer than others. For many, their fall will be the final catalyst, as they rapidly collide with many more experiences and particles tumbling through the air. There is no turning back time and age, and there is no escape from gravity, up-drafts or not. Once started, each fall shares two things - turbulent conditions forcing adaption and change, and a peaceful end on ground prepared and chilled by forebears, while passing the wait for a thaw's death by enjoying the company of fellows from far-flung backgrounds and clouds.
My own fall has likely begun already. Whether I am a six-sided adult or not, I do not know. I cannot see my own structure or judge my own readiness for anything. Nor can I demand a particular place in the world or on the ground.
I can, however, guide my fall as best I can, maybe add to myself along the way. I can apply to universities that would teach me things beyond what I know now, I can study the same things on my own. I can discuss with peers or with experienced adults. I can learn to dance or sing or draw or paint. I can try my best to express my entire being in short essays, or I come up with what I think are interesting metaphors for life. And I can, I want, to grow well, to fall well, and to finish life six-sided.
Your comment on being the reincarnation of Hitler, Stalin, and Pol Pot made me laugh. :)
Your second statement is unnecessary. I would go right from "Humans are comparable to snowflakes" to "From our creation..."
"We start as a grain of dust, without any burden or knowledge, or existance as a snowflake"
Existence is spelled with an "e."
The sentence seems a bit off. I don't know if it's the misplacement of the commas or the word choice. I understand the "without any burden or knowledge" but it doesn't quite flow with the "or existence as a snowflake."
You don't need the colon after "our new world." Make it a period and capitalize the "you're" in "you're alive!"
"You can fall if you want - just live first - and grow, mature, and ripen into a snowflake to make us proud when it hits the ground."
Don't put the hyphens between "just live first." Separate that into a new sentence, so it's "You can fall if you want. Just live, grow, and ripen into a snowflake first to make us proud when you hit the ground."
Get rid of the comma between "gain" and "condenses."
"A full and ideal snowflake without dirt or bacteria for the ice to grow on simply does not exist"
The prepositional phrase "for the ice to grow on" is unnecessary since you already referred to it in the previous paragraph. It also messes up the flow of your sentence, so I would leave it out.
Change the hyphen between "rather not have at all" and "but without them" into a comma, or you can make everything after "but without them" into a new sentence.
"Either way, starting to fall will happen..."
I would change that to "Either way, falling will happen..." or "Either way, falling is inevitable..."
You do not need the commas between "frolick in the sky" and "as we age." Also, "frolick" is spelled "frolic."
"...and a peaceful end on ground prepared and chilled by forebears, while passing the wait for a thaw's death by enjoying the company of fellows from far-flung backgrounds and clouds."
This seems out of place in context. Make it into a new sentence or get rid of it.
You need a semi-colon instead of a comma between "beyond what I know now" and "I can study the same things."
Overall, I really like the whole metaphor/simile you did with humans and snowflakes. It is unique, well-thought out, and fun to read!
Other than a few stylistic errors and grammatical mistakes, I think it's worthy of the colleges you are planning to apply for.
Good luck!!
If you have time, check out my essay. It will be much appreciated! Please and thank you~
