Hello, I'm not a native speaker, so maybe my expression seems a little awkward. Please tell me if you guys understands this essay, cuz I wrote it in an implication way, maybe I should elaborate it a little more neh? But it's already long, about 850 words =.=
Thanks in advance :D
P/s: I haven't decided what topic this essay is about yet, I just wrote based on my idea, maybe "the person who influenced you most", or "big change in your life".
"Mr. Almost"
Let me introduce you to my long time friend - Mr. Almost. I've been friend with him through the good and bad times. More than anyone else, I can tell you how he has become who he is today.
Let's get on our newly invented time machine and come back to the summer of 2006 ...
Wow, we now feel the hot and sultry air of Hanoi's July, I see a young boy reading some text messages on his cell phone. His face turns red, and white, from hopefulness to disappointment. He just finds out that he has got lower scores on the National Secondary Final Exam than expected; He needs 1.5 point more to be accepted to Hanoi-Amsterdam High School, the most prestigious high school in the country. Who's to blame for this big blow? He has tried his best; all the night he's spent and all the practice tests he took only suffice for him to be "almost admitted"?
He suddenly recalls all his nearly accomplished tasks. Even when playing computer games, he hardly ever stuck to the end; there were always some other newer, more exciting games to attract him. He was always almost one of the best students in class, almost the best chess player, almost the champion in soccer and almost a popular guy among the girls. He lacked perseverance, I could tell.
From then on, I started to call him Mr. Almost, or Mr. Unaccomplished.
Just so you know, we cannot use our time machine anymore, so I can only tell you the rest of the story based on my memory.
Our protagonist felt like falling into hell when he got into Kim Lien High School with his almost excellent scores. Everyone said that it was not bad, after all, because Kim Lien is almost one of the best schools. The only problem was that he did not love this long-established and honorable school, where everyone seemed to be stuck with studying for the national university-entrance exam. Hanoi-Amsterdam, on the other hand, is full of smart and cool kids who definitely did more than just sticking their noses to books. It was where he should be.
Silently and unnoticeably he turned into a reticent and introvert boy. He hesitated to make new friends, savoring bitterly his "failure." The frustrated mindset also influenced his academic life. In this first semester, he almost got the Good Student title. That was again, almost another blow because he has won this title for ten consecutive years. Now he was just the specter of the bubbly boy he had been in secondary school; he knew he had to get out of this mess, but how?
Mr. Almost started playing basketball since then, hoping it would refresh his mind and help him forget all the shame. He signed up for Kim Lien Basketball team, as a newbie. Our Mr. Almost knew nothing about basket ball. The only advantage was that he was taller than most of his same ages. He was dazzled by the skill of the seniors here: they could perform wonderful moves. One problem was that no one could dunk, for they are a little bit short. Looking on the bright side, Mr. Almost decided that he would specialize in dunking. Besides the basic technique, he also focused on improving his vertical jump. A few months passed; all he could do was "almost" touching the rim of the basket. Our boy's tendency to give up started to show, and he was daunted by the thought that he was doomed to only nearly achieve his goals from now on.
No. He resolved to change, just kept on practicing to achieve it. His T-Mac shoes had a big red capital BELIEVE on their soles, and he now believed he can do it. Believe, was very important, for it changed your attitude toward everything, let's deem it's "hadn't tried enough" rather than "almost accomplished".
Playing basketball also brought him new friends and helped he get along better with others in high school. He befriended with other better students in his class, and they helped him with his study. He didn't feel isolated with the new environment anymore.
And ... Mr. Almost has gone without saying a word, just like when he came, leaving me behind.
My name is Thang, and in English it means: to win. I finally got the Good Student Title in other semesters of my high school years. I haven't been able to perform a dunk yet, but I have touched the rim of the basket easily, and everyone in the team appreciates my. I believe that soon I'll be able to finish this move. From an unnoticed boy in class, I've become a popular kid, and recently won Vice President from free election.
Where are you Mr. Almost? He is gone, hopefully for good. Sometimes, however, I still thought of him as a historical friend, who taught me one very important thing:
"Half a truth is no truth at all; Half a success is no success at all."
Let's get on our newly invented time machine and come back to the summer of 2006 ...
Wow, we now feelIn the hot and sultry air of Hanoi's July, I see a young boy reading a text message on his cell phone. His face turns red, and white,is full of hopefulness but changes to disappointment. He found out that he hasn't received the score he expected on the National Secondary Final Exam; He was one and a half points away from being accepted to Hanoi-Amsterdam High School, the most prestigious high school in the country. Who's to blame for this big blow ? He had tried his best; he had spent countless nights studying and taking all the practice tests he could, only to be to be "almost admitted."
He suddenly recalled all his nearly accomplished tasks. Even when playing computer games, he hardly ever stuck to the end; there were always some other newer, more exciting games to attract him. He was always almost one of the best student in class, almost the best chess player, almost the champion in soccer and almost a popular guy among the girls. He lacked perseverance, I could tell.
I called him Mr. Almost.
Just so you know, we cannot use our time machine anymore, so I can only tell you the rest of the story based on my memory.
He felt like falling into hella complete failure when he got into Kim Lien High School with his almost excellent scores. Everyone said that it was not bad, after all Kim Lien is almost the best school. The only problem was that he did not love this long-established and honorable school, where everyone seemed to be stuck with only study. Hanoi-Amsterdam, on the other hand, was full of "smart" and "cool" kids who definitely did more than just stick their nose into their books. It was where he should be.
.
Silent and unnoticeable he turned into a reticent and introvert boy. He hesitated to make new friends, savoring bitterly his "failure." His frustration started to influenced his academic life. First semester, he almost got the Good Student title. That was again, almostAnother blow because he had won the title for ten consecutive years. Now he was just the ghost of the bubbly boy he once was; he knew he had to get out of this mess, but how?
Mr. Almost started playing basketball since then , hoping it would refresh his mind and help him forget all the shame. He signed up for Kim Lien Basketball team, as a newbie. Our Mr. Almost knew nothing about basket ball. The only advantage was that he was taller than most of his peers. He was dazzled by the skills of the seniors there. One problem was that no one could dunk, for they are a little bit short. Looking on the bright side, Mr. Almost decided that he would specialize in dunking. Besides thepracticing basic techniques, he also worked on improving his vertical jump. A few months passed; all he could do was "almost" touching the rim of the basket. His tendency to give up started to show, and he was daunted by the thought that he was doomed to only nearly achieving his goals from now on .
No. He resolved to change, and just kept practicing to achieve it . He looked to his shoes for motivation, as his shoes had big red capital letters that said "BELIEVE" on their soles. Believing was very important, for it changed his attitude towards everything.
Playing basketball also brought him new friends and helped he get along better with others in high school. He befriended other students in his class, and they helped him with his studies. He didn't feel isolated with the new environment anymore.
And Mr. Almost went without saying a word, leaving me behind.
My name is Thang, and in English it means to win. I finally received the Good Student title and continued to do so for all my high school years. I can't dunk yet, but I can touch the rim of the basket easily. From an unnoticed boy in class, I've become a popular kid; and recently won the position of Vice President through election.
Where are you Mr. Almost? He is gone, hopefully for good. Sometimes, however, I still thought of him as a historical friend, who
Mr. Almost taught me one very important thing:
"Half a truth is no truth at all; Half a success is no success at all."
It's a good idea for an essay, although it is quite a bit to read. I corrected some of your grammatical errors, and also made some changes to make the essay both shorter and easier to comprehend.
You might want to take out some unnecessary parts though, it still is very long.
Thank you very much, it's neater now.
But I deliberately set the tense in the third paragraph in present tense to emphasize that my memory on that failure is very real, as real as present. In order to write it in present tense properly, I invented the time machine stuff :">. Can I just leave out the time machine and write in present tense, or it MUST be written in past tense. You know, I'm stuck at grammar.
And what about the part let's deem it's "hadn't tried enough" rather than "almost accomplished"
I've been friends with him through the good and bad times.
Let's get on our newly invented time machine and come back to the summer of 2006 ...
Wow, we now feelIn the hot and sultry air of Hanoi's July, I see a young boy reading some text messages on his cell phone. His face turns red, and white, from hopefulness to disappointment.The expression of hope on his face soon turns into disappointment.He just finds out that he has got lower scores on the National Secondary Final Exam than expectedHe has just found out that the scores he received on the National Secondary Final Exam are lower than anticipated.; He needs 1.5 point more to be accepted to Hanoi-Amsterdam High School, the most prestigious high school in the country. Who's to blame for this big blow? He has tried his best, only to come up short.; all the night he's spent and all the practice tests he took only suffice for him to be "almost admitted"?
He suddenly recalls all of his nearly accomplished tasks. Even when playing computer games, he hardly ever stuck to the end; there were always some other newer, more exciting games to attract him. He was always almost one of the best students in class, almost the best chess player, almost the champion in soccer and almost a popular guy among the girls. He lacked perseverance, I could tell.
From then on, I started to call him Mr. Almost, or Mr. Unaccomplished.
Just so you know, we cannot use our time machine anymore, so I can only tell you the rest of the story based on my memory.
Our protagonist felt like falling into hell when he got intoHe felt like a failure in Kim Lien High School with his almost excellent scores. Everyone said that it was not bad, after all, because Kim Lien is almost one of the best schools. The only problem was that he did not love this long-established and honorable school, where everyone seemed to be stuck with studying for the national university-entrance exam. Hanoi-Amsterdam, on the other hand, is full of smart and cool kids who definitely did more than just sticking their noses to books. It was where he should bebelonged.
Silent and unnoticeable, he turned into a reticent and introvert boy. He hesitated to make new friends, savoring bitterly his "failure."(what??)The frustrated mindset also influencedHis frustration also started to interfere with his academic life. In t his first semester, he almost got the Good Student title. That was again, almost another blow because he has won this title for ten consecutive years. Now he was just the specter of the bubbly boy he had been in secondary school. He knew he had to get out of this mess, but how?
Mr. Almost started playing basketball since then, hoping it would refresh his mind and help him forget all the shame. He signed up for Kim Lien Basketball team, as a newbiehoping it would refresh his mind and help him forget all the shame.Our Mr. Almost knew nothing about basket ball. TheUneducated in basketball, his only advantage was that he was taller than most of his same agesthe other players. He was dazzled by the skills of the seniors: they could perform wonderful moves.One problem was that no one could dunk, for they are a little bit short.All of the players were very talented but, because of their height, could not dunk.Looking on the bright side, Mr. Almost decided that he would specialize in dunking. Besides the basic technique, he also focused on improving his vertical jump. A few months passed and all he could do was "almost" touching the rim of the basket. Our boy'sHis tendency to give up started to show, and he was daunted by the thought that he was doomed to only nearly achieve his goals from now on.
No. He resolved to change, justand kept on practicing to achieve it. His T-Mac shoes had a big red capital BELIEVE on their soles, and he now believed he cancoulddo it. Believing, was very important, for it changed yourhis attitude toward everything., let's deem it's "hadn't tried enough" rather than "almost accomplished".
Playing basketball also brought him new friends and helped him get along better with others in high school. He befriended with other better students in his class, and theywhohelped him with his study. He didn't feel isolated with the new environment anymore.
And ... Mr. Almost has gone without saying a word, just like when he came,went silently, leaving me behind.
My name is Thang, and in English it means "to win." I finally gotreceived the Good Student Title in other semesters of my high school yearsand continued to do so for the rest of my high school career. I haven't perfected the dunk yet, but am close to doing soI have touched the rim of the basket easily, and everyone in the team appreciates my . I believe that soon I'll be able to finish this move . From an unnoticed boy in class, I've become a popular kid, and recently won Vice President from free election.
Where are you Mr. Almost? He is gone, hopefully for good. Sometimes, however, I still thought of him as a historical friend, who taught me one very important thing:
Though Mr. Almost is now gone forever, the lesson he taught me will forever remain:
"Half a truth is no truth at all; Half a success is no success at all."
You have an interesting concept but it's a bit long. You don't have to go so into detail. Also, you switch from present tense in the beginning to past, so decide which you're going to speak in and stick with it.
about the tenses, its best to keep it to one. even if you know what you're doing, the admissions officers may think otherwise and may think that you've made a mistake.
and as others have already said, specific is good but redundency is not. You need to remove a lot of unnecessary information/descriptions.
Wow, thanks you guys very much, I'm influenced by my Vietnamese writing style too much, that's why there are redundant details and expression errors. I'll probably write in past tense then, cut out all the time machine stuff.
About this part
No. He resolved to change, just kept on practicing to achieve it. His T-Mac shoes had a big red capital BELIEVE on their soles, and he now believed he can do it. Believe, was very important, for it changed your attitude toward everything, let's deem it's "hadn't tried enough" rather than "almost accomplished".
can I change it to
No.He resolved to change, and just kept practicing to achieve it. He looked to his shoes for motivation, as his shoes had big red capital letters that said "BELIEVE" on their soles. Believing was very important, for it changed his attitude towards everything.Let's face it this way, each time he failed, it was not because he "almost succeeded", but because he "did not try hard enough." Our Mr. Almost just have to be a little harder on himself.
---> I want to show the change in Mr. Almost's mind
Still open for critiques
