Hi! I am wondering if anyone can help me edit my essay because I know I have grammatical errors that I cannot catch all the time. Don't be afraid to give criticism on my essay. Also I wonder if I answered my prompt correctly and if my essay is too long?
Thanks a lot!!
TOPIC: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
The bleach smelled like a honey dew melon. There was a certain vitreous luster to the waters that made me think of untouched, transparent jelly. The time had finally come. I was ready to battle the hardships of swimming. Adrenaline had seeped to every organ of my body. The doctor's words trickled into my mind: "You have mild scoliosis, an abnormal curve of the spine." So I asked myself: Did that mean I could not swim competitively ever again?
Crouched like a black cat on the metallic diving plate, I steadied myself in the most comfortable position. The whistle blew; I blasted into the water, quickly alternating my arms and advancing forward. After the last flip-turn, I saw the finish line in sight. Unexpectedly, a stinging pain crawled upon my spine, eating my insides alive and I heard the doctor's voice echo in my head- "You have mild scoliosis." I felt a fresh strip of ice wrapping and numbing my body as I began to think "I cannot swim anymore. I am going to quit." Filled with apprehension, I decelerated my speed, hauled myself onto the swim divider and peered up to see my mother, standing from the bleachers, shaking her head at me. I knew she was disappointed to suddenly see me stop swimming so I immediately returned to the competition, ignoring the gnawing agony spreading over my back. Exerting all of my energy to one powerful kick and swing, I banged my hand against the wall and heard roars exploding from the crowd. First place belonged to me; through tears and laughter, I managed to stand erect and wave my hands to my mother who was already up on her feet celebrating with those around her.
The unbearable experience of swimming that race has left a profound effect on me. I was cursed with a physical disadvantage in the water yet I learned to never let my medical condition affect me. My mother was once a competitive swimmer but could not swim anymore because she had a permanent arm injury. The fact that she could never swim again demonstrated to me that as a daughter, I would provide her the satisfaction of my accomplishments. Not only did I bestow a "gift" for my mother, I also gave myself a present: I invoked a new sense of self-confidence and deemed that I was able to pass an obstruction impeding my way.
I came to realize that there was nothing I wanted more than trying to prove to myself that I can win my own battles. I toppled my fear of stage-fright in science research class, after I had almost experienced a grand panic attack delivering a fifteen minute power point presentation in front of many people. But I managed to pull myself together by smiling broadly and releasing my frustrations. Because I used to believe that I could not accomplish something so important and so difficult, I would stubbornly think that way continuously. By turning the tables over, I could finally see the other side. The other side welcomes new challenges that need to be tackled and makes space for individual growth. I sought to improve the future of people who are capable of transforming their weaknesses into strengths. I teach swimming lessons to those who do not have severe scoliosis to keep their backs safe and healthy. I have finally come to understand there is never "no solution" to a problem; rather, all one has to do is believe and then the impossible can be done. And I will keep this mentality with me as I study at __________________ University.
The unbearable experience of swimming that race has had a profound effect on me.
Not only did I bestow a "gift" upon my mother, ...
...rather, all one has to do is believe, and then the seemingly impossible can be accomplished.
Good subject and an enjoyable read. I don't think it's too long, but better too long than too short!
:)
