Unanswered [3] / Urgent [0] / SERVICES
  

Undergraduate   Posts: 11

Common App - 'She taught me how to skate' - An influential person


jiaxing  
Sep 13, 2009   #1
Please help me correct these grammar errors and suggestion for my essay is welcomed.
Thank you!
------------------------------------------------------------
Prompt: Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.

by George
After a couple of days, I was used to the sunny Oregon mornings, sunny, and because of these gentle breezes, a little bit chilly to a Chinese student who for the first time in life joined a summer camp to America. America had been a dream for a little boy who could only imagine the wonder land according to the description given by the English teacher in class and I had expected the trip to be a wonderful and splendid journey.

Unfortunately, I soon found the trip cheerless. Having studied English for only 1 year, I had great difficulty communicating with any local American. I was trying to gain a spot in the pecking order in the student group. All the while, I remember suffering the rejection of most of my Chinese peers, being jeered in classes and declined in sports games. It was a time of wanting so much to be loved and accepted. To be loved and accepted seemed to me at the time something I could never achieve.

So I tried to concentrate on study. I listened to the teachers carefully in classes, I went far away from everyone to play on a swing. I thought I had tried my best to avoid acknowledging vulnerability, but I was surprised when a girl approached me and started a talk. She said to me something tender and consoling, something I had craved for a long time. She advised me to sit next to her in class. Her solicitude for my inner need really assuaged my sadness, my feelings of loneliness and melancholy.

From then on, we became good friends. We talked about every thing. My loneliness was gone. More importantly, I knew that someone who was my age cared about me.

One day when passing by a sugar machine, I saw several peers talking about something. At sight of me, they handed a sugar to me and asked me to eat it. No sooner than I put it into the mouth when I heard riotous laughter from these boys. Then I realized that the candy had fallen on the ground before it was picked up to mock me. I had no alternative but spit it out and stand there embarrassingly. At the time she came and made inquiries about what happened. Upon hearing it, she accused these boys of their despicable deeds. I had never heard a girl chiding, but her words did not sound rough at all. Yet to me they seemed to be the brightest light in the darkest night, bright enough to make me warm.

Later our teachers led us to go skating in a nearby skating rink. Being a green hand, I realized that I neglected to bring my gloves when the frigid air nipped at my nose, ears and bare hands. She again approached me, handed her gloves to me, and held my cool hands in her own beautiful ones, hands with blue veins clearly seen on the back of them, as if the white skin was almost too delicate to contain them. She taught me how to skate, and I enjoyed watching her skating like a butterfly on the pure ice. She was as beautiful as a butterfly. She helped me to get through my darkest times.

Then I realized that it was all about choice. She chose to offer me help, she chose to assist a lonely boy gain confidence again notwithstanding other students were cold and detached, and she chose to make life her own by following her inner voice.

For six years I have not only been intrepid in face of taunts and indignity, but also learnt to focus deep within myself and make more beneficial choices in my life. I keep in mind that one wills oneself to have life, in spite of what others think or say, and that even in the midst of winter, I could find within me an eternal spring.

Liebe 2  
Sep 13, 2009   #2
Your grammar is very weak at times and your choice of words becomes redundant many times throughout your essay.
Some of the words you have used looks like you just used the thesaurus.
Your narrative is severely weakened when you use ineffective and weak similes, that rather than show your creativity, shows a complete lack of it.
As I said earlier, sometimes the words you have used have not been used correctly. This, combined with your poor grammar, suggests that you are not a good writer.
OP jiaxing  
Sep 13, 2009   #3
Thanks for your comments, but could you give more specific suggestions?
Llamapoop123  
Sep 13, 2009   #4
After a couple of days, I was used to the sunny Oregon mornings, sunny, and because of these gentle breezes, a little bit chilly to a Chinese student who for the first time in life joined a summer camp to America.

^This sentence is confusing. American students wouldn't think that it was chilly?

America had been a dream for a little boy who could only imagine its vision according to the description given by the English teacher in class and I had expected the trip to be a wonderful and splendid journey.

^"Imagine its vision"? Um...that little boy was you right?

Having studied English for only 1 year,

^Spell out numbers.

To be loved and accepted seemed to me at the time something I could never, in all my life, achieve.

^It seemed to me that I would never be loved and accepted.

Then I realized that the sugar had fallen on the ground and was picked up again to mock me.

^You mean that you were eating a dirty piece of candy? Cuase right now it seems like the "sugar" dropped out of your mouth as you attempted to eat it.

At the time she came and made inquiries about what happened.

^You need to identify who "she" is in this new paragraph.
ELL  
Sep 13, 2009   #5
Hi jiaxing,
Your essay doesn't have a hook. Your first sentence needs to be attractive.
Mayada  
Sep 13, 2009   #6
you are not a good writer.

Liebe, although Jiaxing does show weak grammar all over the essay, we're supposed to criticize the essay, not the writer.. You don't have to "t7a6mah" or else maybe he/she wouldn't keep trying.. I'm not saying that you should be nice either, but objective..

Jiaxing, Liebe is totally right about your grammar and your use of words. Since you have such a great experience in the US you should focus on describing it just like how you felt it, don't ruin the experience by not describing it well..
Ugla  
Sep 13, 2009   #7
I am going to be picky here, but the end seems weak. I would try ending with a shorter sentence and a less abstract idea rather than just an epiphany.

How long ago was your experience? If it was recent state it, if it was a long time ago, state it.

A few examples of grammar:

"More importantly, I knew that someone who has the same age as mine cared about me."

More importantly, I knew that someone who was my age cared about me

"One day when passing by a sugar machine"
Sugar as in candy? If so, change it as sugar is a different thing completley

"Being a tenderfoot"
Not entirely sure what this means, if it is an Americanism then fine, if not it probably needs clarifying

"and after class I always went far to play in a swing."
Not sure what this means, if it means "I went far away from everyone to play on a swing" or something along those lines, it needs changing
Llamapoop123  
Sep 13, 2009   #8
Liebe, although Jiaxing does show weak grammar all over the essay, we're supposed to criticize the essay, not the writer.. You don't have to "t7a6mah" or else maybe he/she wouldn't keep trying.. I'm not saying that you should be nice either, but objective..

^He is criticizing the writer's writing capability, which is essentially the same thing as criticizing the essay. It would just be nicer to say that poor grammer suggests that the essay is weak but you say that Liebe shouldn't necessarily be nice either.

Edit: I'll admit that the Simon Cowell routine isn't the best thing though. So I guess I'm arguing against your point rather than arguing in favor of Liebe's comment.
Liebe 2  
Sep 13, 2009   #9
Liebe, although Jiaxing does show weak grammar all over the essay, we're supposed to criticize the essay, not the writer..

^Woah, woah woah woah.
Mayada, you completely misquoted me here.
This is what I said:

This, combined with your poor grammar, suggests that you are not a good writer.

^I never said the writer was a bad one. I said that his current writing style can suggest, or give the impression, that he is not a good one. I never once said that the writer is a bad one. Do not misquote me like that lol...
kma721  
Sep 13, 2009   #10
I think the ideas coming through in your essay are good. However, you need a stronger beginning or to at least revise your first sentence, it doesn't really make sense.. Overall the essay is well done, some grammar errors are present though.
Mayada  
Sep 13, 2009   #11
I never said the writer was a bad one. I said that his current writing style can suggest, or give the impression, that he is not a good one. I never once said that the writer is a bad one. Do not misquote me like that lol...

I apologize.. I should have quoted the whole sentence then, lol. Sorry anyway.. As you might have noticed, I'm an advocate for avoiding harsh criticism but giving useful feedback that could be worked with..

Overall the essay is well done, some grammar errors are present though.

In my opinion, I see that the grammar mistakes interfered in conveying the author's message. The essay needs serious revising or else the readers will read what the writerwrote, not what he meant..


Home / Undergraduate / Common App - 'She taught me how to skate' - An influential person