I've never really lived a very stable life, plagued with family issues and my father's constant unemployment. But it was this instability that allowed me to explore the more diverse aspects of life. A few years ago, my father found a new job in a different state, but I stayed behind to finish the school year. A devout Latter Day Saints family opted to take me in for the following months. Even though I wasn't religious, I would still go to the five hour long sermons with them every Sunday and wake up at 5 AM on weekdays to go to bible school because I was curious to see the lifestyles of people I rarely associate with. One day at church, the bishop asked if I, along with other youths my age, would be interested in tutoring inner city kids. It was an opportunity to see another culture of life away from the congenial suburbs, so I said yes.
The student I had was a freshman named Tyrone. Ostensibly, he looked like the stereotypical "black man from the hood." He sagged his pants, carried a basketball, and even wore a comb in his afro. His personality however, was anything but. He was focused and organized, and he was patient and confident. One peculiar feature was that he carried a big blue notebook under his arms even though he had a backpack. When I asked him what was written in it, he told me it was his book of raps. When I asked him what he rapped about, he told me his perspectives on the world. I, as a suburbanite, have only heard "rap" music on radio and at parties, but when I listened to his lyrics, I saw a gateway to another culture. Through his lyrics, he told a story of his ambitions and struggles, the inequities of his poverty, and the power of his will.
As first generation immigrants, my father was not culturally open. I grew up in an environment where I was expected to humbly bow down my head, study, go to college, get a job, and then die. But Tyrone expressed emotions, themes, and feelings that are ineffable. The pleasure to create a work to touch the feelings of other is art; this is a taste of humanities. Art adds to one's understanding of self and doing so helps one to live in peace. I wanted to meet life at the intersection of science and humanities. So I said to him "teach me how to rap."
Ok its kinda short ATM at 460 words, and I haven't really concluded it.
But what do you think???
Do you think my 3rd paragraph isn't that well developed?
Do you think the topic is cheesy?
I'm applying to the Ivies (i know right -.-)
THANKS!!!!
The first sentence in the first paragraph should be kept, but eliminate part of the paragraph on the Latter Day Saints Family because it's just unnecessary and doesn't contribute to the meaning of the essay.
You have a lot of grammatical errors that need to be worked out, but overall, I like where the essay is going.
When I read your ending, it just kept me hanging like I expected more. This is an interesting essay and you end it at the climax which is a total kill joy.
Write one more paragraph on what rap did to you and how it impacted you and then end it with some powerful ending.
Your essay needs some work, but it has potential to be a very strong one.
And I kind of share the same fate as you. I'm also a rapper trying to apply to Ivies. A rapper named Young Ivy made it to Dartmouth too.
Could you give my Princeton essay a read to return the favor?
the beginning is.. really cliche. try changing it. you have a great topic to work with but the beginning does not reflect it. i really like the ending though. as for the middle, it still needs a bit of work. i feel like the part about being humble is not incorporated well enough. either mention it somewhere else and then refer to it or make it flow a more.
hope this helps!
if you could please read my note to roommate i would really appreciate it!
good topic overall and good writing in general. however, I feel as if the first two sentences are too cliche, try deleting them.
umm..maybe you should also consider leaving "black man out of the hood out" only because I feel that they might get the impression that you are implying racial profiling.
It's good, but maybe you could go into more detailed description of your main focus and maybe think of a stronger conclusion.
remember quality or quantity (:
Best of luck!
* EDITED
A few years ago, my father found a new job in a different state, but I stayed behind to finish the school year. A devout Latter Day Saints family opted to take me in for the following months. Even though I wasn't religious, I would still go to church with them every Sunday. One day the bishop asked if I, along with other youths my age, would be interested in tutoring inner city kids. It was an opportunity to see another culture away from the congenial suburbs, so I said yes.
My student was a freshman named Tyrone. Ostensibly, he looked like the stereotypical "black man from the hood." He sagged his pants, carried a basketball, and even wore a comb in his afro, but one peculiar feature was a big blue notebook he carried under his arm even though he had a bag. His personality, though, was anything but. He lived with a single mother and was an ex-gangbanger, but he told me a "significant event" changed his life. Instead of embracing the hood, he desired to go to college and become a writer. Noticing the big blue notebook I asked what was written in it. It was his book of raps. When I asked what he wrote about, he told me it was on his perspectives and dreams. Because of my inherent naivety growing up in college towns and gated suburban communities, I haven't yet realized just how unique his aspirations were, given his background. But when he performed his raps, he made a connection from his world to mine. Through his word choices, rhyme schemes, references to culture, I was able to feel the ineffable emotions and themes from his life. Although I didn't suddenly reach an epiphany or suddenly empathized with inner city kids, I began to see something outside the culturally closed Chinese traditionalist philosophy I grew up with. I even felt a bit jealous of him - that's right; a middle class suburbanite jealous of an inner city kid. I wanted something more than the academics and extra-curricular activities. I wanted to ability to express my thoughts and transmit feelings from my mind to others. I wanted something to understand myself with. So I said to Tyrone "teach me how to rap."
I grew up aspiring to be a leader by having superior skills, but meeting Tyrone taught me understanding. I was better in academics, but how could have I educated him if I couldn't relate? Learning to rap wasn't just learning another form of expression, it opened cultural awareness. There are thousands of quotes on the internet stressing the importance of diversity, but few ever tell why. Through my encounter, I discovered that diversity is important because it allows us to see from other perspectives. These perspectives add to the understanding of self, and of the world.
its kinda short at 470 words, but damn, I can't think of anything not cheesy to say.
1. Is it well organized?
2. Does it clearly express a part of me?
3. What more can I add that's not "padding"
THANKS!!
It's a great essay. You explore your topic very well, and your escapades with the Mormon family and the inner city kids demonstrate that you've experienced a lot.
To satisfy your qualms:
The sentence "So I said to him, 'teach me how to rap.'" is itself a conclusion. It demonstrates your growing connection with people who have had different experiences than you. Your third paragraph might need a little more substance, though.
No, the topic is not cheesy. Good luck with the Ivies!
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By the way, take a look at mine, if you can:
The content is good! But I think you could elaborate more in the body and give more examples of experiences with Tyrone. I think you should also work on ending as i felt it was weak. Overall I love the content!
