Hi there,
I would really appreciate it if someone can check my short essay for the common app. It has to be less than 150 words, which makes it really hard. However, I'm having a lot of trouble with smooth flow and transition of the essay. So can someone look an see if there is anything that I should fix, or that I may have over looked? I am especially worried about the parts where I say "Playing tennis, helped me do this. Playing tennis helped me do that."
Prompt:
Please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience) (150 words or fewer).
One of the best decisions of my life was joining the tennis team in the spring of 2008. This decision literally changed my high school life, and got me where I am today. At first, I had no intention of joining any team in my high school career, because in foresight I didn't see much benefit in it. I couldn't have been more wrong. Playing tennis was how I made many new friends and met the dozens of others I have today through them. Playing tennis was how I realized the benefits and importance of fitness and established a healthy hobby. Most importantly, however, it was through tennis that I gained the self-confidence I have today. Tennis made me realize that I could be more if I wanted; all I had to do was to take the first step.
Current word count: 139
I would cut out this entire part in the spring of 2008. This decision literally changed my high school life, and got me where I am today. , since the rest of the paragraph should say that.
Also consider omitting through them .
Other than that, its pretty good, although I realize you'd have to add a lot more if you took out what I suggested.
Yes, 150 words is hard. But wouldn't it be cool if they asked you to do it in 7 words... or 1 word? It is a cool challenge.
You know what I notice so often? When I write, I write a lot of weak stuff at the start, but then I get to something that would make a good first sentence. I think you should cut out everything before: At first, I had no...
That is the first interesting sentence! Isn't it strange that it works that way? We need to intrigue the reader... the details only matter if they make a feeling or image arise for the reader.
I really love tennis and have played for my town's team since I was 11 so I can understand the generalities you write about. But how about those who don't play tennis. Also keep in mind that everyone who plays tennis probably experienced the same things (making friends, fitness hobby, self-confidence.) Maybe instead of a laundry list, you can focus on what was the most important LIFE-CHANGING aspect of tennis that (in your last sentence) made you realize that (you) could be more if (you) wanted.
This decision literally changed my high school life, and got me where I am today. HOW? YOU NEED TO GIVE SOME SPECIFIC (CONVINCING) EXAMPLES. HOW DOES THE READER KNOW THAT YOU DIDN'T MAKE THE WHOLE THING UP?
