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Common App Essay-- A Train Ride In Japan


pekingduck 2 / 6  
Oct 30, 2009   #1
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

I climbed up the worn stairs. I was sweating from heat and anxiety. Surrounded by a horde of unfamiliar faces, I stood on the platform waiting for the train. I couldn't understand what anyone around me was saying; I couldn't read the signs surrounding me. I was nervous, but I tried to act as if I belonged. I began to wonder if anyone could look through my attempt to act like a regular on this train.

I was extremely afraid. My parents never allowed me to go anywhere alone in my small town back at home. Now I was alone in a city in Japan. The sights and sounds filled me with terror. I had only used the sub way a couple times as a child when I had visited the city with my parents. I wasn't sure how I would survive on my own. I was used to someone holding my hand through life. This seemed like a bad social experiment to see how well I could hold up on my own.

As the train halted to a stop and people stepped aboard, I found a seat. A wave of relief crashed over me as I realized I could just look outside the window and clearly identify my stop. As the train began to move again, I realized that all the stops looked the same. But panic overtook me again. I took a deep breath and I began to count each station we stopped at. I remembered I had been told to get off at the fifth stop, Okayama Station.

I looked around at the array of people in my compartment. Their faces were relaxed and indifferent. They rode the train every day. They just suggested how naive I was.

I never thought much about my train ride in Japan, until I returned home. I realized that that train ride was the first time I had ever been completely alone. I was granted total freedom for 20 minutes. I had nobody telling me what to do. I had to rely on my own judgments and decisions. I was free.

After that first train ride, life seemed easier. I had finally gained courage. I walked taller and looked people in the eyes a little longer. Major changes in my life didn't occur because of this one ride, but it opened my eyes to the world around me. I learned that I didn't need to be guided around as a child anymore, because I was more than capable of taking hold of my life.

There is so much to see in the world. I can't allow myself to be limited. I have realized that to overcome your fears, you must face them head on. Once you have done that, you can conquer anything.
hope123 2 / 15  
Oct 30, 2009   #2
There is one thing that stood out when I read this - the flow of the essay. Right from the first sentence, the reader has a good understanding of your anxiety. You accomplish this by inserting in short and crisp sentences, placing the reader right into the situation. Also, I can definitely relate to your experience, as I have also found myself in similar predicaments from time to time. However, I suggest putting more content in your body, to retell the experience even more effectively. There are also some minor spelling mistakes (or typos) and I'm pretty sure you will easily catch them if you keep reading it (for example, it's subway, not sub way). And by the way, why were you by yourself riding on a train in the first place? You said it seemed like a bad social experiment, but is it actually?
OP pekingduck 2 / 6  
Oct 31, 2009   #3
Over the summer I went to Japan and I was staying with a Japanese host family. I had to ride the train alone to school.

Thank you so much for your suggestions! They were very helpful.


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