Common App Prompt I, My ubringing and family influence on my career choice

→As I have been brought up by my mother and father, I have been taught many values and virtues; among them, caring for others. I was always told as a child that I should "treat others the way that I would want to be treated" and that caring for others was one of the most satisfying things that a person could do. I also grew up with a grandmother that had been married off at age twelve and was, therefore, unable to receive an education. She always said: "Go to school Fasiha, you don't want to end up like me!" Being told to care for others and that an education was extremely important has significantly shaped my goals and aspirations as well as the person that I have become.

→Growing up, I heeded my grandmother's words and dedicated myself to my studies. My thirst for knowledge could hardly be satiated by my school work and I often asked for supplemental work from my teachers. I could hardly wait to go to school every morning; I strove to learn as much as I could. I craved the satisfaction of learning a new fact and expanding my knowledge. When I reached middle school, I realized that it was my dream to go into the medical field and become a doctor after my first biology lesion in eight grade science. I was captivated by the human body and, in my eyes, a career in the medical field has the highest level of job satisfaction; saving lives and helping the sick is extremely rewarding in and of itself. Upon entering high school, I have tried to learn as much about the human body and the medical field as I could, earnestly taking classes such as AP Biology, Anatomy and Physiology, and Sports Medicine in hopes of getting a head start in learning what it takes to become a doctor.

→Being from the third world country of Bangladesh, I know how uncommon it is for a woman from my country to further her education after high school, let alone become a doctor. Knowing that women in my country do not always get the opportunity to enter into a career of their choice or further their education, drives me to strive even harder in school to become the exception. Not only do I hope to be a women doctor, I hope to become the first person in my family to graduate in the top two percent of my high school graduating class. By going to a University of California, I wish to receive the best education possible to become a doctor who is able to significantly impact the lives of others.

Your essay is very heavily cliched. You make a number of grand statements, yet show no level of analysis nor cover any depth, even though you really should so that it is easier to understand you as an applicant.

For example.


^Everyone is taught values and virtues. What are yours, if you have so many?
Furthermore, when you say care for others, you should state how. People care in different ways.


^Again, how?


^Universities do look for students with a dedication to academics. However, I am not sure if presenting yourself as someone who is overly immersed in academics is a good idea, because it suggests that you are a nerd with nothing better to do in life but sit by yourself and read, which is the type of student that Univeristies do not look for because they try to create an interesting mix in their respective student bodies.


^Dream? In reality, dreams can just remain as dreams. Therefore, the cliche does not work too well here.
Also, if you are 'captivated by the human body' and interested in a carer in the 'medical field', that does not necessarily imply you want to be a doctor. You can even be involved in the field of psychology, or sports science. Furthermore, how does a career in the medical field provide the highest level of job satisfaction exactly?


^An uninteresting ending, because many people have made similar claims in the past, and continue to do so today.

Your essay definitely needs some revision if you want to submit a very strong essay. It depends what you are looking and aiming for.
Your grammar also needs some revision, due to a number of errors that are in your essay.