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Common App essay - writing about computer games!


whiteshark243 1 / 2  
Jan 6, 2010   #1
Hi there,

All comments will be highly appreciated. Please let me know how you think about my topic and my writing.

Thank you for your time!

"Reng ! Reng !" The familiar sound signaled the end of a harsh, boring day at school. I felt completely exhausted, even could not pack my bag to go home. I could hear the noisy shout: "Let's go to D4 and rocks!" As a source of new energy added to me, I hurriedly ran by my friends, filling with enthusiasm. D4 - center or entertainment, consists of hundreds computer, always looks like a heaven to our students. I could hear many bustling and boisterous sounds, totally different from the monotonous and boring sound of the school bell. We quickly found and sat in five vacant computers and let the game begin. Dota, as we call it, attract thousands of gamers from various countries all over the world. As a team leader, I had to find an appropriate and tactical strategy to lead my team to victory. It is somehow like solving a puzzling mathematic problem: how to put each member of my team in a suitable position like putting each piece of a cube in its order. I knew Lao was brave and impatient. That's why I requested him to play as a team vanguard - tough and fearless pioneer. Hien's skills and agility made him a perfect supporter. Wisdom and prudence were two characteristics that defined Hoan as a team carrier. Together we fought, tactical retreated and won. I could see excited faces, I could hear resounding yell when we defeated an enemy. Combating as a unit, nothing important than solidarity, harmony and team work skill. That's the thing that I learnt a lot from computer games.

The problem is:

- You will never get in any college or university in US if you still stick your eyes to that red-green computer screen - My mother grumbled.

I don't know how many times my mother scolded at me about playing computer games. I don't know why people always give a negative view to computer games. They act as if comp games are even worse than drugs. But it is a part of my life. Someone says: comp-addicted person indulge in an imaginary world to evade his gloomy present life. It's not true. I agree many action games, especially role-playing games, allow people to become a fantastic hero with supernatural power or a mighty witch who can crack the sky with lightning and thunder. It seems gorgeous but utopian. Still, gamers find it interesting to take part in an incredible adventure even in a cyber 3-dimension world. Nothing is more splendid than holding in hand the endless power of almighty God. To me, it's just not a fancy and time-consuming activity, playing game rescues me from despair and tension, inspires for learning and working, and expands creativity and knowledge in specific area. One more important thing, not all of gamers have a hopeless life. Some stress after a final exam, breaking up with boy or girlfriends or even a sudden sadness when they don't know what to do can be the reason why they play comp games to seek relief and comfort. Yet some people consider these reasons quibbled, even silly and absurd. But it is even more ridiculous when they call all gamers the one who escape from reality.

Game is a culture, a very special one. Unlike many other culture, film culture, music culture or fashion culture, game culture was not affected by religious or political issues. The very first gamers of the ninth and tenth decade of 20th century quickly developed their love to game. It must have a reason why game - a new culture but was easily accepted in community. Game is beyond the framework of a merely pleasure, not as things we play, watch and read, it engraves in our life, intensely. Nowadays, game transforms into a billion-turnover-industry and is recognized by many people. Yet, the most crucial thing is how to balance the time spending in playing games and in other activities. In a metaphorical way, life is a game with rules and objectives that everyone has to follow and attain.
OP whiteshark243 1 / 2  
Jan 6, 2010   #2
This is my main essay for the Common App. I chose "Topic of your choice"

I am applying to Drexel Uni, DePawu, Quinnipiac and Cornell Coll.

Please help me :) thanks in advance !
ivyeyesediting - / 85  
Jan 6, 2010   #3
Hi Dat!

Great work with this essay. I LOVE your topic. I think it's highly relevant, and your point of view is fresh and interesting. That being said, I think there are a few key ways you can improve upon this essay:

-Mechanics: There are a number of mechanical problems that persist in your writing:

"D4 - center or entertainment, consists of hundreds computer, always looks like a heaven to our students. I could hear many bustling and boisterous sounds, totally different from the monotonous and boring sound of the school bell."

Sentence 1 should read, "The D4 Center consists of hundreds of computers, and is a virtual haven (or heaven) for students." In sentence 2,'boring' is a 'boring' adjective, and the word 'sound' should not be repeated. These mechanical (and stylistic) issues are minor, but if corrected, will give your writing sophistication.

-Content Development: You write:

"...playing game rescues me from despair and tension, inspires for learning and working, and expands creativity and knowledge in specific area. One more important thing, not all of gamers have a hopeless life. Some stress after a final exam, breaking up with boy or girlfriends or even a sudden sadness when they don't know what to do can be the reason why they play comp games to seek relief and comfort. Yet some people consider these reasons quibbled, even silly and absurd. But it is even more ridiculous when they call all gamers the one who escape from reality."

This paragraph is somewhat contradictory--you mention that some people believe gamers 'game' to escape their gloomy existence, then later confirm that games 'rescue you from despair and tension.' Be careful here. Can you expand on how gaming inspires creativity and learning, and provides a welcome tension release? There is an interesting, clever case to be made here.

-Framework/Structure: I think your structure is just about perfect. Your final paragraph--discussing the culture of gaming and how it is inherently positive and innocuous--is very thoughtful and reflective. I think you can do a better job at bringing your essay 'full circle' though:

"Yet, the most crucial thing is how to balance the time spending in playing games and in other activities. In a metaphorical way, life is a game with rules and objectives that everyone has to follow and attain."

If life is a game with rules and objectives--how has virtual gaming prepared you for real life? Your ability to draw comparisons here can give your essay even more dimension and analytical heft.

Great work so far!!!!

Sincerely,
Brooke
Ivy Eyes Editing
OP whiteshark243 1 / 2  
Jan 7, 2010   #4
Thanks you so much for your comment! You may not know how happy I am when reading your feedback.

Some of my friends said that my topic was quite risky 'cause in US, people consider playing computer games anti-social, and I shouldn't portrait myself as an addicted gamer as well as shouldn't leave the impression that computer game is my only hobby (that's a BAD impression). Therefore, I am a litte bit worried whether I should change my topic or not.
rablinh 2 / 6  
Jan 8, 2010   #5
Dat,

The fisrt paragraph is really good!

Still, the rest does not show much of you. You just have listed but not yet elaborated.

Hope this helps.
syookhong 7 / 21  
Jan 8, 2010   #6
Game is a culture, a very special one. Unlike many other culture, film culture, music culture or fashion culture, game culture was not affected by religious or political issues.

i dont think that this statement is true. Some games are very religious based. ei. assassin's creed, god of war, etc.
I think you might want to reconsider this statement

but other than that i love your topic choice :D


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