Hi, I'm doing the first option for the common app essay, the one about influential experiences, and am looking for some constructive criticism about it.
The most significant risk I've ever taken was back in second grade when I decided to raise fluffy, friendly Corriedale sheep. I remember being terrified of the prospect; they were twice as large as I was, really loud and pooped everywhere. However, because of continuous prodding from my mom, and her cornucopia of sheep stories, I eventually decided that maybe sheep weren't so bad after all. Little could I, or anyone else, predict the consequences of that decision. Because of the sheep, I became involved in the 4-H program, and because of the 4-H program, I also became involved in the IB Programme. It's actually possible the sheep are the main reason why I'm even writing this essay.
In order to put the influence of the sheep and 4-H on me in context, we need to compare me prior to sheep and 4-H and now. Before I started raising sheep and 4-H, I was the stereotypical nerd-loner. I had no friends, played video games all day, didn't really care about school, and had one hell of a superiority complex. Looking back, it's hard to believe I was that person. Now, I have more friends than I can count, instead of playing video games, I hangout with friends, play sports or read and I take great pride in my schoolwork.
The reason I credit deciding to raise sheep and joining 4-H for this change is that sheep and 4-H have taught me everything I know about life: the value of hard work, self-confidence, and dealing with disappointment. Because of these three lessons, I was able to become what I am and understand how I can continue to grow as a person.
The 4-H program went hand in hand with the sheep, and is responsible for most of my self-confidence. The part of 4-H most responsible for my self-confidence were my projects, including sheep, cooking, rocketry and electricity, and holding club offices. The project interviews were instrumental in building my self-confidence. In the interview, I had to be an expert in the project and answer detailed technical questions. For example, I did my electricity project on Tesla coils and I had to answer questions about resonant circuits, magnetic coupling, and all sorts of technical elements. Being able to call myself an expert in a project, whether it was cooking or electricity built my self-confidence by proving to myself that I could be an expert, and really understand something.
Being a club leader has also been instrumental in building my self-confidence. In my 4-H club, I've held the positions of President, Vice President, Treasurer, and Secretary. All of these positions required me to be independent. For example, as president I was in charge of running the meetings, making sure committees finished their work, and organizing community service projects. In addition, I had to be able to speak to adults confidently when planning an activity. Because I had to be leader and communicate with adults, 4-H has helped me gain the self-confidence to take risks.
I can't even begin to list all the ways I've put in hard work because of the sheep or 4-H. One great example from the sheep is when it comes to fitting a sheep for a show. Fitting a sheep takes a couple hours, is messy, difficult, and it's pretty easy to cut yourself up with cards or trimmers. But despite the challenge and the pain, the work is definitely worth it when I win a show or just have people who have been showing sheep for decades tell me I did a good job. Another example is when I have to go out and feed the sheep during a blizzard. It's cold, easy to slip and fall on the ice, and there's no one to give me a ribbon when I get back to the garage. I used to wonder why I even bothered going out during blizzard, I thought the sheep would be fine for just a night, but then I realized it was all about delayed gratification. I fed the sheep so I could go to the show, to work for a couple more hours to maybe get a ribbon and some cash. Without sheep giving me an understanding of the concept of hard work and delayed gratification, there's no way I could have done IB, cross-country, or build any of the cool science stuff I have.
Finally, the sheep have taught me how to deal with loss and disappointment. One of the first things I learned from sheep is that things rarely go as planned. One of my sheep mentor's, Renita Phillippi from Montana, favorite line describing sheep is, "they stand around in a field all day thinking of ways to die." I've been on the receiving end of this quote more time than I would like, and unfortunately mostly during lambing season, but while finding a dead lamb definitely isn't fun, it has taught me how to deal with setbacks. Instead of brooding over the past, I try to learn from it and apply the lessons to the future.
The net result of my work ethic, self-confidence, and ability to deal with disappointment is that I have the confidence to take risks, work hard to come out ahead, and be able to learn from my mistakes when it doesn't work out.
One example of all three coming together is my running cross-country the last four years. At the start of freshman year, I was planning to play football because I'm built like a linebacker, but I got really good vibes from the cross-country team. Of the team members I talked to, not one person thought it was a waste of time, so I decided it might be fun to try. During the season, I worked hard, actually too hard, because I ended up getting fourteen stress fractures in my legs. I also made most of my friends in high school from the cross-country team. Sophomore year I trained over the summer, cut 2 minutes off my time, but one again trained too hard and inflamed the cartilage in my knees. Junior year, I trained smarter, cut another minute off my time, just to twist my ankle and have my right leg become useless as a result, an injury I'm still working to get over. Even though I wasn't even close to the fastest on the team, I was still voted captain and senior year ran consistently and actually made it through a season without a crippling injury. Because of 4-H, I was willing to take the risk to run; because of the sheep I was capable of working hard and coming back from each injury to have a better season the next year.
Cross-country is just one example of the lessons from 4-H and raising sheep coming together. Other examples include me joining IB and Science Olympiad and even the Summer Seminar at the Naval Academy. By taking the risk of raising sheep back in second grade, I've been give a good work ethic, self-confidence, and the ability to overcome adversity.
Thanks for taking time to read my essay and comment on it.
Hi there!
I really enjoyed reading your essay, and found it to be refreshingly authentic, funny and charming. However, I do have some major thoughts/suggestions for you to help take your content to the next level:
Storybuilding--Start with your story rather than a stilted rearticulation of the prompt ("The most significant risk I've ever taken was back in second grade when I decided to raise fluffy, friendly Corriedale sheep.") Your story is fascinating, so, lead with it. Open with what its like to chase around one of these huge, marvelous creatures (as a 2nd grader). Your point of view is so unique, so do your best to immerse your reader in it.
Concision--I think this essay should be streamlined considerably. At approx 1200 words, you can shorten it to 900 and really help improve the flow and impact of your language. I actually don't think you even need the bit about cross-country--it seems rather contrived and superfluous, and does not naturally, seamlessly fit into your narrative.
Structure--This goes hand in hand with concision. I think you can really do more to fine-tune the structure of your essay. I like to start with a skeleton even for admissions essays, just so you know where your story is going, and what the arc of your essay really is:
-Introduction--captivates your reader and explains what you do
-Background on who you were (self professed 'nerd/loner')
-4H Leadership (this can be streamlined too--it sounds a little like your resume in narrative form)
-Sheep Show/Loss and disappointment
-New Conclusion--say something new about what you have learned or the lasting impact of 'sheep' on your life. Keep it as funny and fresh as the rest of your content.
My main overarching thought is that this essay just needs more focus. The cross-country bit can go, as well as this transition: "The net result of my work ethic, self-confidence, and ability to deal with disappointment is that I have the confidence to take risks, work hard to come out ahead, and be able to learn from my mistakes when it doesn't work out."
College admissions essays should just tell great stories, and showcase your writing ability. You have a great 'voice,' so just keep your story more focused and controlled and I think this essay will dramatically improve.
You're off to a great start--keep going!
Cheers,
Janson
