Hi Everyone!
I'm new to the forum and wanted some feedback on my supplement. I'm not sure if i'm being too formal or not, and i'm trying very hard for my essay to have a "hook," but i think i may have too many, and you'll probably see what i mean when you read it.
The question is as follows:
"Please submit a one-page, single-spaced essay that explains why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon and your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s). This essay should include the reasons why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know. If you are applying to more than one college or program, please mention each college or program you are applying to. Because our admission committees review applicants by college and programs, your essay can impact our final decision. Please do not exceed one page for this essay."
And here is my rough response!
Growing up, while other kids indulged in the new trends like PlayStation, Xbox, or iPhones, I was intrigued by puzzles and games such as Tetris, Bejeweled, and Sudoku. In my small apartment in Queens, I was always enthralled by the electronics my father brought home. Most children were excited when the father brought home a puppy; I was at a loss for words when my father brought home a printer or camera. The kids in my school would be fanatic about the new computer games they bought and played, while I found the most fun in installing the game on our computer more so than playing it. All teens wait for the keys to a new car, but I was kept busy for months when I got my first smartphone.
However not all my passions lay in electronics. While students moaned and groaned about going to band class, I was first in attendance, already practicing scales on my saxophone. While students took formal and expensive lessons for instruments, I learned the guitar by myself. While students played basketball, baseball, lacrosse, and soccer, I found a talent in and love for table tennis, cricket, and fencing. However, while students search night and day for the university that best suits them and offers them the best, I am no better.
This inevitable search has brought me here, to the front steps of Carnegie Mellon, and the doors or Warner Hall. I desire a college education that will continue to push me all four years that I'm there, possibly more. I want an education that will push me to my potential academically, yet let me indulge and continue my passions for music as well. As Carnegie Mellon is known for both, I feel this to be my ideal habitat where I can thrive and succeed. I wish to pursue a field on engineering, which one I am not sure, but one that Carnegie Mellon offers to pursue and accomplish the goals I have set out for myself. I do not wish to attend Carnegie Mellon simply for its top-ranked academics, its excellent job placement, and beautiful campus, but rather learn skills that will allow me to be better at what I love to do in a classroom or out in the real world.
Growing upWhen I was young , whilethe other kids indulged in the new trends like PlayStation, Xbox, or iPhones, while I was intrigued by puzzles and games such as Tetris, Bejeweled, and Sudoku.
In my small apartment in Queens, I was always enthralled byto see the new electronics that my father broughtwould bring home.
The kids in my school would be fanatic about playing the newest computer games,they bought and played, while I found the most fun in installing the game on our computer.more so than playing it.
All teens waithope for the keys to a new car, but I was kept busyentertained for months when I got my first smartphone.
However, not all my passions lay in electronics.
However, while students search night and day for the university that best suits them and offers them the best, I am no better.
You were making those comparisons in order to conclude the paragraph by saying you are just like the others. I would remove the "better" part because it makes it seem that you think you are better in other ways. Keep yourself on the same level as your fellow students, and shine the best light on yourself. Good luck in school :)
Keep in mind, if you could replace "Carnegie Mellon" worth any other school name and the essay still makes sense, you're not being specific enough. Try to list things that are unique to Carnegie Mellon like its location, specific clubs that interest you, or a specific program that is unique to CM.
