Common App Option #4
Option #4. Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence.
Ultra first draft, any feedback would be lovely:
'What Lies Beneath'
Jacques-Yves Cousteau. To many, maybe just a name. However, to me, he is a shining beacon of humanity's need to explore the unknown, be it underwater or in any other context.
The unknown has always held a certain fascination for me, starting when I was a small child. I was never afraid of the dark, rather I was intrigued by the secrets it could potentially hide. My current love of reading also stems from the unknown, as in literature, uncertainty is something to be prized and not reasoned against.
I first encountered the name of Cousteau, albeit sarcastically, when I was thirteen and I took a course in Scuba Diving at my local swimming pool. I was jokingly referred to by a senior member of the Dive Club as the next Cousteau. I can only assume this was because of my downright fearful look when an instructor told me to put a large amount of lead around my waist and jump into the pool. To this day I still think that I must have offended that man in some way.
After this seemingly insignificant, and honestly downright frightening, event I decided to research this vaguely obscure name to, and consequently I found out about Cousteau's pioneering exploration of the underwater world. This spurred me on to complete the course in the pool, and then to get out into the real world to follow in the steps of the great pioneer of the sport.
Now, after nearly 5 years of diving all over the world, encompassing Egypt to the Caribbean, a remark made by Cousteau still intrigues me, "From birth, man carries the weight of gravity on his shoulders. He is bolted to earth. But man has only to sink beneath the surface and he is free". The pleasure I gain from Scuba Diving is inexorably linked to this surprisingly philosophical statement. I have also attempted to apply this view to my life as a whole, as for me 'the surface' does not have to be strictly applied to the ocean, although this was its original connotation. To some extent the pleasure I derive from reading and appreciating literature can be linked to Cousteau's comment, as reading gives me the opportunity to 'sink beneath the surface' of normality and consider the writing in a completely different manner, separate from the 'weight of gravity' which can stop any hopes and aspirations.
I feel my own personal journey of discovery and exploration has only just begun, and I hope to follow in the footsteps of the émigré Cousteau from Europe to America, although hopefully for a longer period, to further myself and to bring a different set of experiences to the college setting, hopefully going beneath the surface once more.
This is a good topic and a good story, but your efforts to show off your skills by writing ornately tend to backfire.
After this seemingly insignificant, and honestly downright frightening, event I decided to research this vaguely obscure name to, and consequently I found out about Cousteau's pioneering exploration of the underwater world.
This, for example, is an unnecessarily ornate sentence that ends up making you look bad because it becomes ungrammatical before it is done. You could say the same thing much more simply breaking the sentence into two sentences and asking yourself, "really?" when you find yourself wanting to use a phrase like "vaguely obscure."
Thanks for your feedback, one of my main problems is being too verbose, a criticism I often have of others ironically.
I'll crop that in the next draft. Thanks :)
Yay, minimal redraft:
'What Lies Beneath'
Jacques-Yves Cousteau. To many, maybe just a name. However, to me, he is a shining beacon of humanity's need to explore the unknown, be it underwater or in ones self.
The unknown has always held a certain fascination for me, starting when I was a small child. I was never afraid of the dark, rather I was intrigued by the secrets it could potentially hide. My current love of reading also stems from the unknown, as in literature, uncertainty is something to be prized and not reasoned against.
I first encountered the name of Cousteau, albeit sarcastically, when I was thirteen and I took a course in Scuba Diving at my local swimming pool. I was jokingly referred to by a senior member of the Dive Club as the next Cousteau. I can only assume this was because of a startled look when an instructor told me to put a large amount of lead around my waist and jump into relatively deep water. An experience not to be repeated, especially seeing as my tank was almost empty and I wasn't fully able to move whilst bedecked in an assortment of diving equipment.
After this seemingly insignificant, and honestly downright frightening, event I decided to research this vaguely obscure name to, and consequently I found out about Cousteau's pioneering exploration of the underwater world. This spurred me on to complete the course in the pool, and then to get out into the real world to follow in the steps of the great pioneer of the sport.
Now, after nearly 5 years of diving all over the world, encompassing Egypt to the Caribbean, a remark made by Cousteau still intrigues me, "From birth, man carries the weight of gravity on his shoulders. He is bolted to earth. But man has only to sink beneath the surface and he is free". The pleasure I gain from Scuba Diving is inexorably linked to this surprisingly philosophical statement. I have also attempted to apply this view to my life as a whole, as for me 'the surface' does not have to be strictly applied to the ocean, although this was its original connotation, it could be both physical and metaphorical. To some extent the pleasure I derive from reading and appreciating literature can be linked to Cousteau's comment, as reading gives me the opportunity to 'sink beneath the surface' of normality and consider the writing in a completely different manner, separate from the 'weight of gravity' which can stop any hopes and aspirations.
I feel my own personal journey of discovery and exploration has only just begun, and I hope to follow in the footsteps of the émigré Cousteau from Europe to America, although hopefully for a longer period, to further myself and to bring a different set of experiences to the college setting, hopefully going beneath the surface again to bring a slightly different perspective to certain matters.
