I'm writing about number 5! please critique my essay. My highest reach school is Cornell so that is the level of quality I am aiming for. Thank you!! Also If anyone has any good title suggestions please let me know!
Question: A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you. 250-500 words.
"Fresh watermelon for three Liras!" a young boy declares. He stares at potential customers eagerly, perched behind a wooden table brimming with crates of peaches, cartons of eggs, and an assortment of cheese graters on display. However, as a nine year old, I quickly pass his stall in the myriad of fresh produce sellers on the sweltering Friday morning, and make my way around stray dogs scavenging for scraps of food, delivery boys carrying 20 liters of water on their backs, and old ladies pulling bazaar carts while disciplining their children for touching the goods.
As I scurry towards the european section of the bazaar I finally arrive at my destination: a set of stands that sell lookalikes of American products. While none of my friends in Istanbul would ever think to wear such easily recognizable imitations in public, I feel overjoyed with the selection that the storekeeper presents and eagerly pester my sheepish grandmother to buy them, for I know that back home in [removed city name], [state] my classmates will be none the wiser as I show off my new apparel.
Whether it be my savvy shopping skills as a nine year old, or how the influence of the Turkish language affects my perception of English grammar and aids my pursuits to learn new languages, I heavily depend on Turkish culture as a resource to tackle every decision I am faced with. Yet not only am I Turkish, but authentically American as well. From the moment I was born in the nation's capital as my family's first American citizen, I have been immersed in an environment that is quintessentially American: enjoying Fourth of July cook outs, cheering for my school at Homecoming, and navigating through overcrowded malls during the Christmas season. Still, when I sit around the dinner table filled with turkish cuisine every night reciting to my parents the events of the day in Turkish, and laugh with my family during my yearly visits to Turkey over a certain Nassreddin Hoca anecdote, or even as I haggle with the bazaar vendor to give me a good deal on my loot of brand name knock offs, I always feel the presence of Turkish culture in my life.
I am impacted by each culture in equal amplitude because I truly identify with each separately and in entirety. The sense of awe and inspiration that I feel when I hear the call to prayer waft in through the window of my family's apartment in Istanbul is also present as I recite the Lord's prayer in unison with my peers during Chapel service at school. Likewise, the satisfaction and delight in cracking open sunflower seeds to eat them by the hundreds with friends in Turkey mimics the euphoria I feel as I take the first bite of mashed potatoes before eating a colossal Thanksgiving feast in [state].
As a citizen of two rich and distinct countries varying in all facets of life from location, language, and economy to religion, customs, and political stability, I gain the ability to view each situation in my life from two variant viewpoints, enhancing my decisions and ensuring that diversity is an integral part of my life and identity.
This is a novel essay, you obviously have the skills and I'm going to be highly critical because I see an abundance of potential:
It's a textbook answer. You're saying, because you're from a somewhat Westernized prototype of a different culture, you'll bring diversity. You're listing, don't tell me what you've done at homecoming games, and this, and that, incorporate them into a larger scope of what your culture contributes to the diversity you plan on being part of. Take it a level deeper. What about your culture will bring diversity? Connect it to the university.
Excellent writing, lacks depth or universal relativity.
Also, it doesn't matter whether you were going to Cornell or a community college, if you're asking for revision for this essay you're obviously seeking to improve. I wouldn't demean the quality of an essay upon the consideration of the college specific applicant pool..
But yeah dude I'm totally writing for this same prompt right now... :P
