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Common Application Personal Essay - Diversity and How can I benefit from.......


jjchan1991 1 / 4  
Dec 26, 2009   #1
Hey, I want to apply to university in USA, but i'm not really good at writing essays.
This is actually an essay for another university which common application doesnt included, but i changed a little bit for common application.
can someone please give me some advise for this essay? thanks

Topic: How would you benefit from and contribute to a diverse university by using your own personal experience.

Diversity has always been a significant part of my life and it is a major attraction for me to selecting a perfect university. With the programs and resources that Rutgers University has encourages diversity as a part of university life. I believe that Rutgers University will be able to offer me in addition to a superior education with a diverse and multicultural opportunity which will lead me to discover and understand even more of life's experiences.

As an overseas student, I have been studying in the United Kingdom since 2005. In fact, the first few days in England, I found it a bit difficult to make new friends as I found it hard initially to communicate with them. Fortunately my school which is made up of several international students and my own determination to communicate helped me quickly able to be comfortable in this new environment and build up my self-confidence. Since this experience I started to understand and enjoy the many cultural differences I experienced and gained knowledge which I did not possess before. In these five years, I have lived in a boarding school with my friends, who are indeed my best friends. As we grow up together of course there are differences of opinion. Over our likes or dislikes but I remain the one who capable to settle things down and keep a peaceful balance among us. I have adapted to what was once a place that I knew very little about and I am now a well-rounded student. The lessons and experiences with my friends, family and teachers has taught me how to be a better person and appreciate so much the many diversities life has to offer.

By attending Rutgers University, I believe I will be able to benefit not just from the lectures but so from the various program activities offered and as well continuing to meet and learn new experiences from those students I work with in school, and life.etc. As I have mentioned before since I grew up in two different countries I will be able to share with the others my cultural knowledge especially the traditions of Hong Kong and England which I believe will open their eyes to customs and cultural experiences they have never heard before. Also by sharing my life's experiences as a foreign student it will help everyone to better appreciate acceptance by others as well as ones determination to succeed that will hopefully benefit others in a positive way.

Since I've been young, everyone around me including my family has taught me that everyone is unique as an individual and they have their own special gifts in life. Applying this to myself, I would say that one of my gifts it's that I'm a quick learner. I can learn how to do things, and adjust to a new environment very quickly which benefits me in learning about others and my new challenges in my studies.

The diverse community that Rutgers University offers will continue my learning through others and knowledge through my courses but as well new experiences that I will gain which I can be helpful in my life and my future career. I to believe that coming from a diverse school, having two different cultural experiences, I will positively add to the diversity at Rutgers University, as well as benefit from it.
zainob 2 / 5  
Dec 26, 2009   #2
I really like this, it shows the true you and what you really believe aand know.

I think one thing you could change is adding empahasiaa for instance,

Diversity. It's always been a huge part of my life and it is a major factor for me to find a perfect university.

Good Luck =]
OP jjchan1991 1 / 4  
Dec 26, 2009   #3
Thanks for your advise, i will try 2 change some for them.
AMehj 3 / 10  
Dec 26, 2009   #5
Your grammatical errors and spelling mistakes are quite distracting. And there are MANY. Try to get it checked by an english teacher.

good luck for college.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 30, 2009   #6
This sentence is hard to understand beuse it tries to give more information than it can. I will fix it with parentheses:
Fortunately my school (which is made up of several international students) and my own determination to be a good communicator helped me quickly able to become comfortable in this new environment and build up my self-confidence. Since this experience, I started to understand and enjoy the many cultural differences I experienced and gained knowledge which I did not possess before.

As we grow up together, of course there are differences of opinion over our likes or dislikes, but I remain the one who is capable of settling things down and keeping a peaceful balance am ong us.

I have adapted to what was once a place that I knew very little about, and I am now a well-rounded student. ----> good sentence!

The lessons and experiences with my friends, family and teachers have taught me how to be a better person and appreciate so much the many diversities life has to offer.

This is the rule:
The lesson has...
The lessons have...
The experience has...
This lesson and that experience have...


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