Please do give critical feedback. I need it. This is my fourth attempt to write the common app essay...
While most people believed that the extinction of dinosaurs resulted from the collision of six miles in diameter meteor that forced large about of debris into the atmosphere and prevented sunlight to penetrated, the asteroid theory can also apply on my life. The meteor that suddenly struck into my life was, however, too large to calculate. At the end of grade eight, my father sledded a one way airplane ticket to Canada in between the pages of my textbook "Aiming for Perfect Score in the Competence for Junior High School Student". The next think I recalled, I was standing at the airport with a red suitcase and my cello. The meteor, according to the conversation with my father after a year of departure, held the intention to destroy my nerdy-tendecy symptom. As a result, the maladroit dinosaur that dominated my behaviour was replaced by the well-adapted and mellow fern, like the fern spike in the K-T boundary, but K-T stands for kill the tedium in Yu-Ju world.
The evolution began as the debris of unknown covered my senses; Canada was different from I had known. As I was struggling to survive, I knew I had to change. At first I thought the ability of effectively communicating was the key. After moving to Kingston, I realized there must be a deeper modification within myself. I abandoned my pride and worn on the coat of humor with a sense of buoyancy and humble, hoping to live through and even warm up the plunging environment. "My name is not Yu-Ju; it should be Yu-Ru, but Taiwanese immigration did not translate it correctly and now according to my passport I am Yu-Ju, forever." "Sorry I did not do this problem right, I am the Asian who can not count." I said in a joking manner. I wrote in one of the letters I wrote to my father "I will smile at strangers- less cynicism, more amiability." I developed my audacity of openness by reaching out to the poor with the key club and arranging fundraising activities at school. Like a fern, I was able to survive in every niche of the community.
A while after the K-T boundary, the centre of my life was not like an obtuse dinosaur aiming for prey, in my case a perfect score. Instead, through with the activities I participated in and the diverse people I have interacted, I gradually evolved from a placid fern into a human being with compassion. I swim competitively, but I acted as a role of supporting in my swim team. I tutor upper classmate mathematics and claimed that I am genetically programmed to excel in the area. As the cello soloist in the school musical plays and orchestra, I enjoyed volunteering at honor roll breakfast and school masses. Now as the executive of the school key club, I envisaged meteor with respect. The one way ticket performed as a wake-up call, calling my inner mammal-an endothermic creature with the ability to think.
While most people believed that the extinction of dinosaurs resulted from the collision of meteors which are six miles in diameter, that forced large amount of debris into the atmosphere and prevented the penetration of sunlight, the asteroid theory also apply to my life. The meteor that suddenly struck into my life was, however, too large to calculate.
At the end of grade eight, my father sledded a one way airplane ticket to Canada in between the pages of my textbook "Aiming for Perfect Score in the Competence for Junior High School Student". The next think I recalled, I was standing at the airport with a red suitcase and my cello.
....At first I thought the ability of effectively communicating was the key. After moving to Kingston, I realized there must be a deeper modification within me. I abandoned my pride and wore the coat of humor with a sense of buoyancy and humbleness/humility, hoping to live through and even warm up the plunging environment.
....Instead, through these activities I participated in and the diverse people I have interacted with, I gradually evolved from a placid fern into a human being with compassion.
You've got some good comparison in your essay.I made some corrections that I could make.
Please leave feed backs on my essays.
Thank you, except for the grammar-wise errors, any suggestion on the essay itself? Please I need it.
I can see what you're trying to do with this essay - show your evolution due to your sudden change of environment - and it's undoubtedly a good trait to showcase in your essay. I did, however, get lost quite a bit while reading it. Work on narrowing your focus; the last few sentences seemed unnecessary and only served to add to my confusion. You may be on the right track to something good here, though. Keep working on it.
The essay is very creative and comical, it has a lot of potential. However, I also became somewhat confused when reading it the first time. In your introduction you may consider reworking the introduction, especially the first paragraph, to seem less like a textbook. It is a good hook, but could be more effective if communicated in such a way that the reader would understand it effortlessly. The sentences seem disconnected at times.
While most people believe the extinction of dinosaurs was the only result of a six mile wide meteor, the asteroid theory can also apply on my life. My meteor was, however, too large to calculate. At the end of eighth grade, my father slid a one way airplane ticket to Canada in between the pages of my textbook "Aiming for Perfect Score in the Competence for Junior High School Student". Next thing I knew, I was standing at the airport red suitcase and cello in hand. The meteor, according to the conversation with my father after a year of departure, held the intention to destroy my nerdy-tendecy symptom. As a result, the maladroit dinosaur that dominated my behaviour was replaced by the well-adapted and mellow fern.
