Hello, I need a bit of assistance on my common application essay which will be used for both The Georgia Institution of Technology and the University of San Francisco. I had my teacher look over it and have made all the change that she suggested. She also said that the beginning to hear feels a little awkward I however, I guess being that I am the writer of this essay, can not find the awkwardness in it as this prompt tells me to format the essay in a story style. If you agree that this essay begins awkward, or has any other flaws, please provide me with a few suggests that would allow me to modify it to give it a more natural feel. Thank you!
Topic:Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.
Essay:
As I type, line after line, a feeling of success begins to tingle in my stomach. My mind begins to scream with excitement but yet my body is still as always-in concentration. As I continue to type, my story begins to develop into a magnificent novel. A novel that not only represents the fundamental building blocks of the computer you are reading this from, but a novel that is unique and functions on its own. This novel is not like ones you have previously read; whereas a typical novel is a collection of words, my novel is comprised of a collection of files. Files that are hand-typed and collectively work as a unit. Programming is my interest and a passion that defines what I am all about.
On a daily basis, I use my free-time to program. I examine how and why something works and then work on developing a new and improved method of doing that particular task. This can be anything from concatenating a string to developing a recursive operation to a previously non-recursive functionality. Then, I go back and revised and improve the latter method(s) even further. As I write, I feel extremely accomplished in a sense that I am improving the world even if it is only by a small fraction. I use this interest to spark a talent that I can hopefully use and improve in the work force as I go from a general programmer to a senior programmer. My love for this activity is unimaginable and it has truly shaped my outlook on the world. Once you understand how something works, you can build upon it and create something that the world has never seen-innovation.
Innovation is everything that one could possibly want to accomplish-in one word. Without it we would still be traveling by horse, we would still rely on an candles for light, we would still be using wooden crossbows and swords to fight a war, and the list goes on and on. We need innovation and people to spark the innovation to continue to grow our world into a more efficient and economical place. Programming allows one to do exactly that. There are millions of ways to do things, but only one way is the most efficient. As a programmer, I want to be the one to discover and develop these better and more efficient or economical ways of doing things. I want to be known as not only a programmer who changed the world, but the programmer who changed the world one line at a time.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 Shawn, is the interest that you are sharing in this essay still related to your choice of college major? If it is, then you have to change the slant of your essay. Basically, this prompt isn't interested in getting know more about your major, it is all about getting to know you beyond the academic side of your personality. Share something with the reviewer that isn't related to studies. It should show how you relax, a hobby, or an activity that you enjoy doing because it helps you become or be a better person.
You have written an essay that tells the reviewer information instead of sharing something that shows him about the background, identity, or interest that you wish to share. Even if you are writing about something not related to your major, I do not get a sense of YOU in the essay. This is more of an opinion piece rather than a "getting to know you" platform, which was the original intention of the essay prompt. So some adjustment to the content is definitely in order.
