He has taught me more about football, hard work, and life in just three years than people I've known for my whole life .
--> ...more than any other person I've known.
We thought the same thing at first, but throughout that season we got to know him better and realized that he wasn't strict and demanding because he hated us, but because he wanted us to be as good as we could be.
--> I totally understand where you are coming from, because I play sports too, but I think it's cliche-ish. Do you see it when you read it over?
Two winters before he was in a drunk driving accident and killed a teenage girl.
--> Two winters ago, he was drunk...
pushing us more than we were ever pushed before he came.
--> I feel like you mentioned this 3 times already
What impacted me more than anything was seeing his work ethic and devotion and how much he cared for the students at our school, even the ones who didn't play football.
--> What impacted me more than anything was (verb) his work ethic, devotion, and his care for all students at our school. HOW??? How/Why does HIS work ethic, and HIS devotion and care for other students impact you?
What is intriguing about him is he is such a smart individual, but because of one bad decision he works as a welder and an assistant coach and goes on two to four hours of sleep per night.
--> He is intriguing because he is smart? I thought it was because of how he pushed your team to the max, or because of his work ethics, devotion etc... It's getting kind of messy.
Another huge lesson he's taught me is that you can't judge someone by one mistake.
--> I think you should use a different adjective than "huge"
And the most important thing I've learned from him is your success is directly related to how hard you work.
--> You state about three things you learned from him...I think you should stick with one or maybe, if you must, two. I feel like you just list the things he has taught you, but never really explain it with vivid detail or experiences...
--> I think most people know that hard work = success. What have you learned from him that is "unique?"
- I actually want to know if we need titles for our essays as well. haha...
- I really really hope I wasn't too harsh or anything... I just really want to help.
- So, the thing is, I really think that at the end of the essay there is no real substance. I feel like this situation is very common to most people who play sports.
- The thing that sets him apart from others is probably because he killed someone when he was drunk, and now he is your coach.
- Maybe you should expand on that part...
- But see what others think. You can still write about him, but really answer the prompt. DESCIRBE THE INFLUENCE!
GOOD LUCK!!!! : )