This is my common application essay on the topic of my choice.
I think the organization is a little wacky but I am not sure how to change it so that it flows well.
Any helpful comments are appreciated.
Guuururururrrrur. I heard and felt the garage door open, which signaled the arrival of my parents from work. I quickly ran up the staircase, two or three at a time, and grabbed all of my toys. I rushed them to my closet as if I was an ambulance heading to the hospital. I ran into the living room just as my parents were taking off their shoes.
Today was just like any other day, except for one small thing. My mom propped a black bag up against a stool and placed a can of powder on the counter. Thoughts flashed through my mind as I asked, "Hey, mom, what's that stuff for?"
"Oh, it's just for the new baby."
My mind became completely passive as I said, "Cool." At the time, this was something that did not affect me and this event had soon left my mind. But, now, six years later, I have yet to realize the complete impact that my sister has had on my life.
Our relationship isn't normal by any means but that's part of what changed me and part of what I love about her and having a new presence in my life. She is 12 years younger than me and she will grow up in a completely different generation than I did. I will have to accept her unique personality yet guide her through her young world that I am only slightly familiar with at the same time.
Adjusting to this new responsibility has taken determination and full blown stubbornness. Many times, I was left in charge of her and it became my responsibility to keep her safe and comfortable. I gradually learned numerous caretaking skills that I had not been aware of before. Her birth has been a challenge with many hard times. Along with babysitting her, my parents will ask me to send her various out of the way places. My sister participated in a play that had practice everyday for a few hours. I was very dismayed to hear that I would not only escort her there but also stay. I made the decision to be there for her because I want her to have the best childhood ever. Still, there have been the good times, such as telling her all of the cheesy jokes I learned from elementary school, and I am happy that she is in my life and here in this world.
When I look at her as I am writing this, I cannot imagine my life with out her. She has completely changed me as a person and I have grown more mature because of her need to be taken care of. I became a role model and watched my language and movements in her presence so that she would have an example to follow. Sometimes I don't do everything right but I try my best to share with her all of the things I experienced as a little kid, even if that includes "cooties," is so fun. As she continues to learn things about the world, I will always be there to support her.
The many things I have learned while being around her and taking care of her will be very useful in my future. I should be the one passing words of wisdom of life to her, yet she has taught me patience and, of course, developed my maturity in only 6 years! These are the qualities that I rely on, this and my love for my sister.
Interesting introduction. Try to keep the same flow in the next paragraphs. To do that, describe more vividly, use more imaginery.
Also, about grammar, there is some fat to be trimmed. For example:
Her birth has been a challenge with many hard times.
I made the decision (decided) to be there for her because I want her to have the best childhood ever.
Also, I dont understand in the last sentence: "These are the qualities that I rely on, this and my love for my sister." what does the "this" in bold mean? I think you should improve that.
Hope I helped. I would appreciate if you could help me in my posts too, if you could :)
