For my common app essay I chose to write about the importance of a strong work ethic. I already had my english teacher proofread the first draft but unfortunately due to snow days I couldn't give her this draft. Before you start reading please keep in mind this is also an actual AP english essay that must follow a certain list of rules, I'm just using it as my college application essay.
The assignment for this essay was to introduce a "truth" followed by a describing paragraph about the "truth", then a paragraph describing my experience with this "truth"
My english teacher said she liked the intro and first paragraph so it's really the second paragraph, where I describe my experience with the "truth", that I would like your proofreading to be focused on. Do you feel I provide good enough examples to reinforce the "truth"?
Thank you for your time.
All people must set and accomplish goals within their lives to achieve a sense of fulfillment. Some may work voraciously to accomplish them while others may do so with disregard. The latter of these different personalities can lead to trouble achieving and advancing throughout life. Talking of such people, Abraham Lincoln stated, "Things may come to those who wait, but only the things left by those who hustle." If care and action is not taken to reach goals, they will never truly be met. Holding a strong ...
Simply stated, in order to get anywhere
or to do any task , effort must be put forth. Throughout society their are those who work just enough to keep their job, or those who simply sit at home with no initiative. Living with this mentality will not allow for advancement in one's life, which can lead to feeling unimportant. On top of disappointment of oneself, society views those who do not contribute negatively. Those who are able to rise from poverty to wealth and power show the promise of having a strong work ethic. One such example is former president Bill Clinton. Raised by his grandparents at the beginning of his life, and later being raised by his mother and an alcoholic stepfather, BillClinton committed himself to his schoolwork and set his sights on becoming a public leader. His dedication to school allowed him to obtain scholarships and to attend prestigious schools to get the education he needed to enter politics. Eventually the man who had a rough childhood became president of the United States solely by maintaining a strong work ethic to reach his goals.
It might help if you replace prestigious schools, with the actual schools he attended. Also never address a person by their first name, unless in a non-formal manner. When writing formally always use the last name.
Some may work voraciously to accomplish them while others may do so
Throughout society, there are those who work just enough to keep their job, and there are those who simply sit at home without initiative.
Living with this mentality will not allow for advancement in one's life, which can lead to
feeling unimportant.a feeling of unimportance.
On top of disappointment in oneself,
No matter in whatRegardless of the application, personal work ethics can either propel one to success or leave one behind.
I'm not sure about using this for a college essay. It's nicely written, but the overall tone feels more like a blunt English paper, which I realize it is, than an essay showing the admissions officers some of your personality and thought process. For example, the part about you working to get good grades. They receive your transcripts, so by seeing you did well in school, they can assume you worked hard. So do many other students.
If possible, it would benefit you to write about something more unique about yourself. You want to stand out among the candidates, and I think most colleges expect applicants to work hard in school, considering the transcript is the most important part of the process.
Thank you very much for all of your feedback. I have revised the first half of the second paragraph and my conclusion and would like to know what you think of the changes. Thank you for your time.
Regardless of the application, personal work ethics can either propel one to success or leave one behind. Since the beginning of my high school career, I have been enrolled in advanced classes. This fact alone signifies to the common person that the student is a hard worker who is extremely motivated; however, the fact that a student is enrolled in an advanced class can sometimes mean very little. Although the coursework is demanding, there are those who feel that everything will fall in place for them and that they can easily breeze through the class and earn credit without any effort. Many students within my classes dropped out because of the challenge. Through the years, my teachers have taught me that it is the challenge that allows for learning. Working just enough to get credit does not truly teach anything. Knowing that arising to the challenging coursework is what will allow me to grow, I have maintained my rigorous schedule and invested much of my time into overcoming challenges to reach the next stages of my learning. Success does not come without its challenges, and I am willing to face all of them in order to create the life I want to live. Seeing other students who simply do not care, and the academic rewards I receive for taking on all challenges, motivates me and reinforces the importance of maintaining a strong personal work ethic so that I may open my life to any and all possibilities that might present themselves to me.
Having experienced first hand what qualities can lead one to be successful, the notion that a strong work ethic is necessary has been firmly planted in my mind. Knowing this fact, I realize the amount of effort and dedication needed to succeed in college is even higher than what I have experienced and will make me grow more than I ever have. Believing in the power of a strong work ethic, and the rewards that come along with it, will allow me to thrive in college and further advance my development, my education, and most importantly, my life.