Hi, everybody.. I left a little text, and you helped. I really need your help, and any correction of my essay.. Else, I have just 511 words, and i guess a normal lenght must be about 600-800.or is it okay?
This is my essay:
I remember well my childhood which was spent in an urban-type community named Kirovsk. There is a clear air unsoiled by the gas of cars. The weather is warm and not windy in winters, because it is situated in a valley skirted by mountains. I and my brothers often used to buy any kind of sweets in shop; and as I remember, the money given us was enough.
The childhood was passing, and I had to find out my own way for a big life, for a future of mine, for the elaboration of my knowledge and life experience. I entered one of the best schools of Taldykorgan, the school-lyceum number 20; and then a real contestation for knowledge began.
In my opinion, people of the town were more active, more purposeful; every man had his own intention and would not even blink his eyes until he got a result. Noticing all of it, I also tried to be dynamic everywhere, to be patient, to intrude to any company and get into every work.
We are all trying to live change our lives to the best direction, so we must gain more. Nowadays it is getting harder to earn; and lots of vital things are gained with rivalry. Especially now, at the time of World Economic Crisis. The economic crisis is affecting to all countries of the world, as to Kazakhstan and its citizens. It began before now and has brought many challenges.
Staple prices have been increasing from the end of the 2007th year and run up to the drag of 66 percents at a given instant. The government has allocated a sum for 4.5 billion dollars from the National Reserve Foundation to support the condition of the banks. But, grinding difficulties are being suffered by the nation of our republic: salary has been declined; inflation is about 5-7 per cents; the value of daily food has been changed; banks also do not give creedites for small and medium business as much as before; and there are job cuts in big enterprises, factories, combines. For instance, the metallurgical complex of Karagandy reduced 4500 work places. It is a big deprivation for the workers, who have to provide their families in spite of all the troubles. As to any citizen of Kazakhstan, the financial crisis has also got some influences on me. Because of the reduction in salaries of parents and other different reasons the lifestyle of pupils changed: pocket expenses started decreasing; I stopped going to the places like swimming-pools, rinks; the settlement for school is growing and I stop going to additional lessons like math and physics which are very useful for me to pass UNT (Unified National Test).
The government of Kazakhstan is making provision to stabilize the position of its citizens and economic system. But, a lot of countries all over the world have an inferior status than ours, so they need more treatments. It is said that it is just the beginning of the crisis, therefore we must fight against this situation together and help each-other.
There are a lot of grammatical errors (mine aren't great either) and awkward phrasing. I don't want to edit your entire essay, because I'm afraid that it'll drastically change your style and it wouldn't be your words anymore. Here are some suggestions for the the first few sentences though.
I remember well my childhood well; which it was spent in an urban-type community named Kirovsk.I grew up in an urban-like community called Kirobsk. (I'm not sure how to phrase this sentence better, but I think the sentence shouldn't be in a passive voice.)
There is a clear air unsoiled by the gas of cars.
The air was clear, and unsoiled by the gas of cars.
The weather is warm and not windy in winters, because it is situated in a valley skirted by mountains.
Winters were always warm and never windy, since the community I lived in was situated in a valley skirted by mountains.
I and my brothers often used to buy any kind of sweets in shop; and as I remember, the money given us was enough.
My brothers and I used to be able to by any kind of sweets in the shop; the money we received was always enough.
I remember well my childhood, which was spent in an urban-type community named Kirovsk.
There is a clear air unsoiled by the gas of cars. The weather is warm and not windy during the winters, because it is situated in a valley skirted by mountains.
My brothers and I often used to buy any kind of sweets in the shop; and as I remember, the money given us was enough.
My childhood was passing, and I had to find my own way in life , for my future , for the elaboration of my knowledge and life experience.
I entered one of the best schools of Taldykorgan, the school-lyceum number 20; and then a real thirst for knowledge began.
We are all trying to live and change our lives to the best direction, so we must gain more.
Nowadays it is getting harder to earn a living, and lots of vital things are gained through rivalry .
Especially now, at the time of World Economic Crisis. The economic crisis is affecting all countries of the world, as to Kazakhstan and its citizens.
For instance, the metallurgical complex of Karagandy cut 4500 jobs .
It is a big deprivation for the workers, who have to provide for their families in spite of all the troubles.
But, a lot of countries all over the world have even a more inferior status than ours, so they need more help .
Hope this helps!!
:)
Thank you very much, Ilikefood and Kevin..
I will check it our again, then correct all mistakes..
what do you think abotu the meaning of the essay?
You should be more personal in this essay, try to express more of your feelings and thoughts. The fact that you stop going to the swimming pool, rinks is a bit weak- it is immature, short term loss when contrasted with serious matter of unemployement
Thanks, Guyver. I just was about to write about the problem in my family.. Like parents often fell out; and it was hard to me to concentrate on my studying. Just I had a doubt to write about it.. Is it okay to write such a family problem, or I shouldn't do it?
anything personal that captures the readers are usually useful
its better than any generic indiffenerent statements.
be sincere
Thanks ZowZow for your advice.. I am making changes now... And I think this one is sincerely... I have written about one of characterisctic which I have got from parents and family.. Take a look, I think it is okay... There might be a lot of grammar mistakes, cause I couldn't sdecide which tense I had to use... Should it all be in Present, ot in the past??? In my opinion, it'd better for me and for a reader using the presnt tenses.. what do you think???? Please, tell me yoru opinion, cause I really need it as fast as yo ucan reply.. Everybody who read and want to add something, write me please... Thank you all very much... Good luck to everybody to enter the university he wants...
This is my essay:::
Each parent brings up his child by his own way, his own methods. We cannot say that one way is better than another, taking into account the thing which is main in a child life by his parents opinion. My parents taught me to be honest and purposeful since my childhood. I think the main is they made me understand that no matter how many times you had fell, the matter was how many times you had got up and continued going towards your goal. The foundation of this temperamental attribute was laid in my infancy; and there was no doubt that all of my brothers had the same fundamental. One heard this standpoint would probably say that we were not able to get up and move along; people were not robots; they had feelings and strength which would finish one day. I would say every man had more power and energy than he imagined, just he needed fit a key to the source of energy; the passed time and other case would assuage any hurt; a man could forget his recessions, but he would never forget his achievements. Even if you fell, you had already got a lot of experiences which would help you in the future.
The financial position of my family was not good in my childhood; there was a crisis and it was hard to find any job. My mother used to stay at home with children; father was working to keep the family. But father’s company cut jobs; and my father became unemployed. He did not stoop head, worked in any place where there was a chance to gain some money. My parents nurtured my brothers and me and I was proud of them. They were always an example for me although they were not perfect persons. I learnt from them not by words, but by acts that the most important thing was to get up and go on. And actions taught people more than words. I liked this strain of mine because it had helped me a lot in the past; and I was hoping it wo
Good emotional essay. It is better than the previous essay but, like ilikefood said, there are still some awkward phrasing and grammatical errors. I would advise you to take your essay to an english teacher, unless your deadline is twomorrow
By the way try to state the topic of your essay a bit earlier in the introduction.
Thanks, guyver.. I am checking out all of the essay, and will change the parts whcih I see... And the mistakes also... But, I am afraid that I cannot take it to an english teacher. Okay, however, thank you all...
