Greetings! I've just finished this essay, it's just a first rough draft. Could you please give me some feedback and insights, apart from the grammar?
Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, scien, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence.
As a child, I always dreamed of changing the world. My biggest aspiration was to one day be able to coordinate the world's efforts into turning it into better a place. I had the idea, but no one to look up to, as my country was riddled with corrupt politicians and superfluous TV stars.
It was at the age of 8 that I found that missing bond: Alexander the Great. I read a book in school about his conquests and was, since that age, awed by his grandeur. I identified most with Alexander's willpower to go beyond the known world, to risk everything in exchange for a place in history. Since that day, I want to excel in absolutely everything I do, from simple tasks to more complex ones that require hard work. If I'm taking an exam, I aim at getting the highest grades in the class. If I'm playing soccer, I want to be the best. If faced with a challenge, I have to solve it. I'm never satisfied accomplishing the basic, the fundamental. I always want to do more, do things differently, solve a math problem in a way the teacher didn't teach us, make a video presentation instead of handing in a paper. I want to leave a mark on the world, not just live my life. Like Alexander, I'd rather die a fast, vivid life than live a calm, uneventful one.
Also based on Alexander's achievements was my interest in leadership. He knew how to talk to every social class, every man in his army. Motivate them. I try to learn from his biography, understanding and impersonating his abilities. On the soccer team I founded, I always assume the captain's position, making sure every player keeps their role, even though tired. And, similarly to Alexander, it's not only my personal outcomes that influence my decisions. I know that inside everyone, there's the potential to be better. As Alexander himself once said, "There is nothing impossible to him who will try". With the great effort I put into our team, we got a sponsor that helped us pay our coach, a poor man who really appreciated the financial help we gave him. Contrary to Alexander, though, I did not use leadership and courage to make war. Rather, I try to be remembered through helping and always being there for those in need. Recently, I gave english classes to people from a poor community that couldn't afford paying for them through an NGO. It was a simple task for me, but it sure did make a huge difference on their future lives.
Either by giving financial help, by teaching english or by incentivizing people to do better, I know I can change the world. I am sure that, with the correct education, I'll be able to achieve great triumphs, as mighty as Alexander's.
Thank you!
It is sort of boring and impersonal. It would be much, and much better if you could put in a personal story which help you to be identified with Alexander. Read this blog to see what I mean. (Search Show, Don't Tell! (the College Essay, Pt. 2) in Google and you will find the blog entry)
"There is nothing impossible to he who will try"
Alexander's grammar wasn't perfect apparently.
Besides that, I think that, like the other guys ^, your essay seems to be comparing yourself with Alexander a lot and that's not what the prompt is telling you to do. It's asking you how the person, in this case Alexander, influenced you. In the first paragraph, there is nothing that says how Alexander influenced you. Literally, all that you said was I want to... I do this like Alexander ... I identified with Alexander... I try to learn from him... They are all small choppy sentences with too many I's and not enough selection. It dries the lips to read and it has this almost soporific power. Moar Interesting Facts. :)
I still don't feel that this is personal enough. I think it would be better if you expand on the anecdote of your soccer team and show the admission office how you, with Alexander inspired leadership, motivate your teammate and ultimately won the championship.
It could be something like
I was drenched in sweat and I can feel that my legs are refusing to move. Every muscle in my body is screaming in pain, I cannot go on anymore. My brain keep telling me that it is over, "What is the point of continuing the match when you are practically dead?" Its the last 5 minutes of the game, and we are still tied, hours of struggle had led us to nowhere. Trying to cut myself some slack I stop running so fast after the soccer ball. Suddenly, out of nowhere, someone shouted "Who says the world ends in India?". That is my favorite Alexander quote. I thought to myself "What am I doing?" didn't Alexander himself once said, "There is nothing impossible to him who will try"? Shouldn't I always give my best? I picked up my pace and chase after that ball. Running faster and faster while shouting to my teammates " "I'm exhausted" is no excuse.", chase after that ball and (Some inspirational stuff that you did to inspire the team and win the match)
