Please be harsh, thanks for everyone!
Prompt:: Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).
"Hello, this is Vera, the Minister of Public Relations Department of the Bee Charity. Recently we..."
"Beep--" My call was cut off again. Just like the other 12 calls, I did not even have a chance to introduce the book drive we initiated, although every contact had been carefully selected.
At the age of 11, I once met a little girl who offered to explain the scenery on my journey, but I turned down her offer because I had left my bag on bus. I still remember her begging, "I don't want money. I just want a pen." Her words made me realize that while we were enjoying our life, there were many other children in need. Since then, I have been devoted to charity works. I joined charity where I worked with people who had the same faith. Together we started charity bazaar, initiated cloth drive and raised money for the poor...
I did love charity events. However, I got frustrated with all the cold responses. I did not want to call another potential donor and get embarrassed ever again.
Suddenly the little girl's words and miserable eyes came to my minds.
I picked up my phone and began to dial.
First off, the break between your call and "At the age of 11" is too sudden. The flow is off.
There has to be a transition.
At the age of 11, I met a little girl...
Explain the scenery on your journey? How does that relate to your bag on the bus? or even the pen? Elaborate.
Who is we.
You do not need to mention the faith thing or your sentence should be:
I participate in charity events with people of the same faith as me.
The shift in tone to "I did love charity events." is cold. It does not help you with admission. It literally shifts within one sentence and then suddenly goes back to the original tone.
Just some suggestions.
I think you need a transition between the dialogue and "At the age of 11". Instead of talking about being frustrated, talk about how charities have really impacted you, why you love them, or anything that tells the reader more about YOU!
Thank both of you very much!
You helped!
"explain the scenery" means tell me some local stories and what the local places of interest were famous for. She was like a guide. I am not a native speaker so I don't really know how to express it. Could you help me with this?
I emphasize "I left my bag on the bus" because my purse was in my bag. I was traveling in a remote country then and I thought the girl offered to guide me for money but actually, she just wanted a pen in return, which I didn't have, either.She was too poor to afford a pen but she desired to learn and really needed a pen. I told her I have neither money or pen but she didn't believe so she followed me for almost an hour, which still made me feel guilty today.
This event really impressed me and motivated me to work in charity so it was very important for me. I want to include it in my short answer but you know the word limit...
Really need your advice! Thanks a loooooot!
Thank you so much !!!!
I will really appreciate it if you would have look at my common app main essay.
So much thanks!!!
this is a great essay. you tell us about what drives you into charity work but i think it would be even better if you could tell us something about how u feel when you work for charity. how doing charity work gives you pleasure and what you like about it. good luck :)
