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commonapp short answer: elaborate on one activity (speech contest)



qianmeimei 3 / 14  
Dec 21, 2009   #1
Hello friends, I am a chinese girl and now I have no confidence in my english writing.Maybe it is a horrible essay~~ Could you give me some suggestion about it? your helps are really important to me. please be critical~

Thanks so much!

I once attended a speech contest. After my 3 weeks preparation and practice before mirrors and friends, the contest day came. When on the stage, the first student suddenly paused speaking. Obviously she forgot her description. Although she was trying to go on, after several seconds, tears run down her face. Then she cried and fled from the platform. The overwhelming nervous quickly stifled me. How I wish I never attended the contest! Now I could not remember how I started my first word after being pushed to the stage, but I knew my body and voice were trembling. The big square made me hear nothing but the echoes of my last sentence. I managed to control myself and find encouragement. I had practiced so many times! After the rushing first paragraph, things went better. Finally, I got the first prize, and this experience gave me the confidence that benefits all my life.

Thanks again!

swirl92 2 / 5  
Dec 21, 2009   #2
Hi Xiaomei, your english is very nice. I suggest you make a few grammatical changes for smoother flow:

After 3 weeks of preparing and practicing before mirrors and friends, the contest day came. Obviously she forgot her description (use another word ). Although she was trying to go on, after several seconds, tears ran down her face. Then she cried and (she) fled from the platform. The overwhelming nervousness quickly stifled me. Now I could not remember how I started my first word after being pushed to the stage. From the big square, I heard nothing but the echoes of my last sentence. After rushing the first paragraph, things went better.("all my life" may be too general here)

This is a very good start! I made a few changes in red...hope they aren't too confusing. Good luck!


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