PROMPT: In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).
My Answer:
"Listen to me, 5 minutes later you should get on stage, sit in formation, and adjust your microphones. Be quick!"
Standing in backstage, we could do nothing but nodding to the order. So strange after innumerable interpretation, we still got our hands jet cold before performances. We could not utter a word with our dry throats, and our hearts were filled with tension and excitement.
I play erhu in school's traditional Chinese orchestra. Since I am the only girl from my grade to receive this honor, many students envies me holding various opportunities of showing talents, wining awards, and appearing on television. However few people see my calluses gained by practice hours everyday, and my tears after teacher's criticisms. As a member of the band, I know that I must be careful for every point, because even a tiny mistake can lead to dissonance.
Unconsciously, we had already been on the stage with our instruments: erhus, pipas, bamboo flutes, guzhengs...The whole world suddenly fell silent; only our rapid heartbeats can be heard.
"Three, two, one..." The curtain went up. I glanced down; countless faces dazzled my eyes. Then the conductor gave a firm node.
Another glorious battle began.
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It's 198 words...I don't know which lines/words could be deleted. And I need advice to improve it.
Please help...
Thanks a lot.
I like you fine detailing. It makes it much more believable and allows people to recreate the scene in his mind.
The only thing is as ayida365 mentioned, it needs a bit more detailing about you and not just about the activity.
Also, in regards to the word limit, I feel you can get rid of some extra details in the second paragraph and
"Three, two, one..." The curtain went up. I glanced down; countless faces dazzled my eyes. Then the conductor gave a firm node. Another glorious battle had begun
Yes, since the limit is less than 150 words. I think you should write more about what it makes you feel. Telling a story should be included in a long essay because it is preferred to be detailed..
The third attempt is a better one. And I see that you deleted 'jet cold,' and I'm glad because it didn't make sense to me. As your word count is limited, I don't think you can do what the others are suggesting. But the way it is now, it is tantalizing, and that might be even better.
Thanks, Stephen.
Your advice saved me!!!
