Hi there. I was looking for some feedback on my CommonApp short answer, as I'm not sure whether it elaborates on my theatre experience as they want me too. Happy to respond in kind.
In my time at Winchester College, I directed two plays, God Bless America, a satire on the 2008 presidential election which I wrote in my fourth year, and Henrik Ibsen's Ghosts in my fifth year.
The experience of directing Ghosts is among those I most value from my school experience. Leading a small group, with a cast of only five, let me work intimately and intensively to develop strong, complex characters. Amid this high-stress environment, I built wonderful friendships, while learning the necessity of friction to keen performances: our most productive rehearsals were always those which nearly dissolved in intense argument. After the curtain fell, I was left with a deeper appreciation for theatre, and an understanding of how intimacy and distance, amity and aggravation, must both be introduced to make any cooperative endeavour a success.
Wow, your essay flows nicely. I don't think it's pretentious,
but I do think that all of your sentences are bit too long. They are eloquent, but if their lengths can be varied, your essay will be even better.
Overall, it's a great essay.
Can you please comment on my essay? I will greatly appreciate your help cuz currently I'm not getting any comments.
I can see that theater means alot of you, and it is so hard to write all of that in a small space. but you try to touch on many topics, which doesnt allow you to go deep.
pick one aspects that you love about theater, and talk about it. why do u love it? what about it do u love? what impact does it have one you? and relate them to your experiences
i hope i have been helpful
please help me revise this essay:
Overall, I like your writing. My main critique is that I think you should spend less time "telling" and more time "showing." A simple fix to this would be to take out "something uniquely pleasing to someone with my love for character complexity." (not really necessary) and elaborate on "the necessity of friction to keen performances." (doesn't make sense as of now)
Would yo mind reading mine?
In my time at Winchester College, I directed two plays, God Bless America, a satire I wrote on the 2008 presidential election
which I wrote, in my fourth year, and Henrik Ibsen's Ghosts in my fifth year.
I didn't even notice this problem at first. Haha.
The experience of directing Ghosts is among those I most value from my school experience. I would use a different word for experience
Otherwise yes, this is better! =)
Hello! You edited my "Racebending" essay and I appreciate your comment more than you know! I hope you wouldn't mind reading it again with the changes I've made and if you still would like help on your Common App essay, I would be more than happy to but you closed the thread. :P Moving on...
Overall, I love the subject matter, I love your writing, and it doesn't come off as pretentious at all. It's humbling even while presenting these amazing achievements, and you show a lot of your personal attachment to something. I think it's great and my edits were only to make things a little clearer, but don't consider them necessary. Brilliant job and good luck!