Here's my common app essay for influence someone has had on you. Any edits would be welcomed. Also, I would love help on a title or on the ending.
At the prime age of seventeen, I often find myself suffering from sudden bursts of immense back pain. Here's the part where you would normally hear all about my dedication to an arduous sport that though extremely trying has also been extremely rewarding. Except, I have never played on a sports team in my entire life. No, my back pain doesn't stem from athletic pursuits or even a medical condition like scoliosis. It comes from my being just shy of five feet, weighing 105 pounds, and having often carried my 5'10, 160 pound brother who has Cerebral Palsy.
For the last seventeen years I've fed, carried, and assisted him with his everyday routines. There were times, of course, where it was difficult to even summon the strength to help my mother carry him and times where his wistful stares at other running kids left me burning, wanting more than anything to simply cover his eyes. However, it's my brother and his disability that has shaped me into who I am today.
From early on I was given the responsibility of an older sibling whenever I had to watch over my brother. Though my Hispanic background would pull and tug, trying to instill in me strict gender roles, I would constantly fight back and be the strong girl who would not only carry more than her own weight but also refuse to cry or show any signs weakness. Through my parents' bickering and my father's drunken cries, I would deftly lift my chin up at the sight of my brother's quivering lip in the hopes that he would follow my lead or that my strength would be enough for the two of us.
Cerebral Palsy cut down my brother's opportunities and yet he still always dreamed of being a video game designer. Both his weakness and strength empowered me, driving me to take full advantage of the myriad of opportunities open to me. Yet having experience with something most don't have left me grasping about, looking for somewhere I could finally put it into good use.
I think more than anything, I had always been terrified of sharing in the a pain only all too familiar. It wasn't until I finally started spending my Saturdays using music and art therapy to help disabled children that I realized something. Perhaps I was sharing in what was essentially more my own pain, but I was also sharing the acceptance, strength and even happiness I had found.
In the future I know I'll continue to feel sudden bursts of immense back pain. Honestly, I can't complain. With that back pain came resiliency, determination, an understanding and connection to the suffering of others, and the motivation to do something about that pain. And now more than ever I feel ready to face new hurdles...
Again, any help would be great. Thank you!
Thank you. It doesn't sound too emotional does it? I'm still working on a way to end it well and warp it altogether. Any more input would be amazing. I'd also love help with grammar/spelling, to make sure it sounds coherent and keeps the same tense and tone throughout the piece. Thanks again.
However , I have never played on a sports team in my entire life.
Okay, so for the first part, I think it would be good to tell the reader in the first paragraph about visits to the dr.'s office for your back problem. Otherwise, it sounds like the back pain theme is just an exaggeration for emphasis. Then, when you refer back to it in the last paragraph it will make more sense.
Can you link this experience to your intended field of study? If so, mention your aspirations in the first paragraph, and especially in the last paragraph.
