Does my essay NOT tell a lot about me?Well,could you please give me some suggestions on how to improve it? Thanks.
I chose "topic of your own choice".
Title: From one "center" to another
Fatigue and weariness swept over us. Finally, we arrived at an inconspicuous corner located in the middle of nowhere. This was the Children's Caring Center of the city.
The director led us to a corridor where babies were playing on the soft ground. They had just taken a bath and the volunteers were gently drying the babies with big towels. "They're so cute!" everyone exclaimed.Upon seeing us, several babies began to crawl towards us. One little girl was wearing an angelic smile and reached out her arm in order to touch me. But we both failed. A transparent window which was used to protect little children from being hurt by outsiders stood between us. It was like a deep trench that we could not get across.The girl immediately burst into tears since she realized the thing she touched was just an inanimate, cold-hearted window. With a look naked of all pretence, her watery eyes seemed so fragile and innocent; however, they plunged into my heart like a sharp-edged sword. She is an outcast, walking on the edge of the city. What she needs is not compassion, but love and care.
These little kids made me start to recall the segment of my childhood that I could still vividly remember.
Beams of sunlight penetrated through the balcony windows, leaving long shadows on the wooden floor. Grandma was holding me in her arms, asking me simple questions occasionally. Suddenly, I saw dad carrying a suitcase and walking towards the street. "Dad, where are you going?" I cried out from the fifth floor. Having heard my cries, dad simply smiled and waved goodbye. He kept on going without looking back for a second time. Grandma and I hurried down to chase him and I even forgot to wear my shoes. However, as soon as we arrived, dad's taxi had just driven away. I stood still, watching the taxi till it drove beyond my horizons.
From that moment, I hate the feeling of being left behind. I guess the little girl behind the window feels the same way. However, there are still some differences between us. For one, my dad returned to me. I once asked my dad why he didn't tell me he was just going for a business trip. "Probably I would be reluctant to leave if I saw you crying." He replied with a grin. Parents leave their children for a certain reason, but the little girl I met never got a reason.
Gradually, the little girl stopped crying as if nothing had happened. She was still a kid. Nevertheless, her cries are still ringing in my ears today. Thus, one month later in Action for Tomorrow Venture Program, I set up a simulative company for the little kids in need along with many companions. What our social enterprise craved for was to provide a safe place for children so as to help them build character and look after them. So I set out to do small preparations for the long journey. The image of an orphan replaced my original profile picture on my Windows Live Messenger software; the websites of children supplies replaced Facebook; development of an action plan took over all the conversations; "Utility fees, rent payment, staff salary", terms I had never got access to once became the center of my life. I was fully involved in designing posters for the exhibition and negotiating with potential sponsors. During the process of learning more about this personally meaningful cause, I strengthen my will to make a difference in this society in the hope that children longing for love and care can become the CENTER of public awareness.
As the setting sun tinged the nearby clouds at the end of the day, I saw another little girl resting comfortably in her mom's arms. Yes, that was her new mom and the girl was no longer in the middle of nowhere. Getting out of the gate of the Children's Caring CENTER, the girl becomes a CENTER of her family. That is just what I always hope for.
I think i am going to cry...this is so similar to my own life so i can definitely tell you that you put a lot of yourself into this essay. You show your vulnerability as well as your strength in this one essay... I think its really good
After reading your essays, I know why you are so moved.
Thanks for your comment. I feel much better about my essay now.
Any critiques are also welcome.
this essay is really strong! I am so moved!
You have shown yourself to be very sincere, very emotional and you care much about others. That quality is good I think.
You'll defenitely get admitted.
goodluck,
I think this is a great essay. My suggestions for improving it:
Be sure to leave a space after each period.
Where you said "She is an outcast, walking on the edge of the city. What she needs is not compassion, but love and care.", it is unclear how this fits with what came before it. Did you mean to say something like "It was at that moment I realized that she was an outcast..." ? Also, you changed tense in those sentences, talking about her in past tense and then in present tense.
There's a start. I hope this helps! :)
With a look naked of all pretense , her watery eyes seemed so fragile and innocent; however, they plunged into my heart like a sharp-edged sword.
Wow, I love the final sentences, too... This whole essay is excellent.
Thank u all.
Kevin and mgrand64, do you see a lot of "me" in the essay?
Ah, I guess that is a place where there is room for improvement. If you come up with the right opening sentence, though, you can connect the whole story to "you." One perfect sentence changes everything.
