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CommonApp Extracurricular Activity writing. - Singing

Dec 20, 2012   #1
Since I was small, I sang on my own. I enjoyed singing, and did not mind the mistake in pitches I made. Unfortunately, my parents heard me and softly teased me. Although I knew it was a joke, I was hurt. As a result, I started to sing secretly during showers to preclude people from hearing me. However few years ago, I decided to participate in a contest. I wanted to show how much I have improved. I went up to my parents and told them I would participate in that contest. My parents were surprised at the sudden decision. Luckily, I performed well and got in 4th place. My parents were shocked, and so was I because I found out a new aspect of me: stage fright. I body trembled with nervousness when I went up the stage to perform. Soon, I realized that happened whenever I tried to sing in front of a person. But I did not quit. I took a deep breath every single time before I sang and eventually learned to control myself. Thus, taught me to overcome complexes and gave me confidence.

Please don't mind the grammar. I"m going to fix it up. How's the content?
diebysenioritis 7 / 17 7  
Dec 21, 2012   #2
At college admission workshops, they often tell you to "show rather than tell." I always thought it was as stupid phrase, since you could never show, for example, your own embarrassment, the feeling of stage fright, or the feeling of confidence.

However, I think you essay would benefit from more description or emotional writing. A more organic approach would really help you convey your message and your own frustrations with practicing to sing. For example, I wouldn't use "thus" to end your piece. It's far too formal.

I hope that was helpful. Good luck!
Dec 21, 2012   #3
How is this version?

My hands and legs started to tremble. I tensed my body to prevent such trembling. However, my hands and arms started to feel numb. I could not feel the microphone in my hand. I saw my parents and my friends amongst the crowds. I felt that I could not go on, but I closed my eyes and started to sing. Luckily, I did not make mistakes and finished strongly. I got in 4th place, but I was not so happy since I figured out that I had a fatal trait for a singer: stage fright. I was depressed felt hopeless. I thought that this unwanted reaction of mine will be with me forever. But I could not give up. Singing was my source of energy and my shelter to rest. I just could not give up. So I closed my eyes, imagining a big crowd, and practiced singing everyday for years. Eventually, I overcame stage fright. I can finally go up a stage without involuntary reactions and sing without worries. Singing not only gave me relaxation, but also taught that I could overcome my innate flaws through effort.

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