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commonapp essay, ("no a fascination with death")


Bliss 2 / 11  
Dec 30, 2008   #1
I dont know if I should use this one as the commonapp essay or the yale supplement...
but it's about a significant experience that changed the way you see things.
Please critique and feel free to change anything.


I do not want to waste 500 words complaining about how difficult it was for me to move from China to the U.S nor do I feel the need to showcase how many obstacles I had to overcome during the three years I have lived in this country because of my English deficiency. I believe you've read the story over and over again from other applications. Here I wish to explain why I liked jumping off the bridge.

I do not have a fascination with death, nor do I have any suicidal tendency, yet I loved throwing myself off this old brass bridge. Whoosh. As I stood, some four stories above the water, I felt a spasm of panic and excitement as my mind rushing down intricate thoughts: logic and reason simply objected this foolish plan and tried hard to stick me with the safer scenario of getting off the bridge and going home. But today I felt the need to be something, something headstrong and impetuous.

Then I did it. I hurled myself off the bridge into the lake. As I was pulled toward the water with an acceleration of 9.8 meter per second square, my world turned up side down and I felt this tingling sensation which ran through every muscle and bone. Whoosh. I love the way the fresh breeze wafted through my hair in the air, and I relish the smooth glossy feeling when the slightly cool water enveloped me. On that day I did not care what others think of me. For once I was not that docile daughter who has the perfect etiquette, or that granddaughter who sets family pride as her primary goal of life. For once I was just me, the free, unembellished me.

I swam to a rock. As I stood on it, the water oozed out of my pores into streams, cascading in glistening paths down my body. I laughed. I tucked a loose strand of wet hair behind my ears and felt my soaked shirt billowed out around my body. I felt so complete. I was proud that I had done something that I would not normally do, something impulsive, something blissfully bad. I was making amends for my life that was caged by the constrictive boundaries of logical thought. I was rebelling. I was acting without even worrying about the consequence, and it was liberating. I threw my glasses to the muddy river bank, having fun to watch it grimed by the sand. I turned my face, enjoying the now blurry world, and ironically I saw things I have never seen before, the things that were easily overlooked with a clear sight. I saw a heron glided to rest on a pebbly strand, I saw the finch's tail flicks up and down, I saw a life without the burdens. Here, I am alone. No friends interrupting me with the shrill ring of the telephone, no parents nagging me about finishing college essays, no life forcing me to be logical. I finally found what I had been looking for but too afraid to find it. I was proud that I overstepped the boundaries of limiting myself only to the banal but safe route, and I conquered my greatest fear, fear of having changes in my life.

I jumped again and again, splashing off bits of the sparkling water and feeling a great satisfaction to disturb its peace. The willows along the river bank seemed to have magical power as they muffled all the chaotic noises of the world.
n00bl3t 3 / 30  
Dec 30, 2008   #2
lol. Calm down, we are all trying to help as fast as we can (especially the moderators.) Please give them some time to get to yours, as they go through hundreds of thousands of essays. I also have deadlines for my essays too.

I like this start, you say you don't want to waste 500 words talking about how difficult it was, and by saying it you brought up the topic and got it over with in a few sentences.

"I believe you've read the story over and over again from other applications. Here I wish to explain why I like jumping off of a bridge."

"I do not have a fascination with death, nor do I have any suicidal tendencies, yet I loved throwing myself off the old brass bridge."

"I saw a heron glide onto the pebbly sand to rest, I saw the finch's tail flickup and down, I saw life without the burdens."

"I finally found what I had been looking for, but was too afraid to find. I was proud that I finally overcame the boundaries of limiting myself only to the banal but safe route, and I conquered my greatest fear, fear of having changes in my life."

Well good luck to you.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 31, 2008   #3
Here, I am alone.

The willows along the river bank seemed to have magical power as they muffled all the chaotic noises of the world. The sun was omnipresent.

This essay is brilliant!! You are awesome! I am so impressed with the way you level with the readr, explaining that you do not want to waste 500 words explaning the difficulty of emigration, etc... and then, whoosh!

Awesome, the school will be lucky to have you.


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