I haven't even edited this yet but i would really like some feedback on it. Is there anything I need to change or add or take out. All critics are welcome. I also need a title if anyone has suggestions!
here is the prompt...
Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence.
If there is one quote I would use to describe myself, it would be John Lennon's saying:
"I'm not going to change the way I look or the way I feel to conform to anything. I've always been a freak. So I've been a freak all my life and I have to live with that, you know. I'm one of those people."
I truly am one of those people. I was born in 1993, thirteen years after John Lennon was murdered, but he has impacted me greatly on the way I choose to live my life.
I decided at a young age to never conform to other people's views. My mother would not admit it, but she had a plan of how she wanted me to act and look around her friends. Growing up I was always a tomboy. I wore sweatpants and sneakers to school and had friends that were only guys. In fourth grade my mom started trying to dress me in "more girly" clothes. Instead of trying to please my mom I stood up for myself and continued to dress the way I wanted to, which was comfortably. From adolescence to the present I have tried my hardest to be an individual and keep away from stereotypes. I try to let people know that it is okay to be an individual even if it means standing up for yourself in awkward situations. John Lennon sat in bed for a week to inspire peace and I dressed in a crazy outfit and paraded around my camp to inspire individualism. I may not have made a worldwide impact, but when I explained to people why I dressed up foolishy a few younger campers decided to be fearless and participate in the talent show.
While watching the documentary "The U.S. vs. John Lennon" I stumbled upon a quote that Lennon said," A dream you dream alone is only a dream. A dream you dream together is reality." To me this quote means that without friends and community it would be very hard to accomplish anything. We all need a helping hand, which is why I tend to push my friends into situations that may be uncomfortable but I know will benefit them in the end. This past year my friend became serious about trying to make it as a singer. She took the approach most people do and posted videos on youtube.com. Earlier this year I saw an ad for American Idol and realized that they were coming to a town not far from her house. It took much debate but I finally convinced her to tryout. Even though she did not win, she got the critique she needed and continued to further her music career. People have urged me to do things that I have not wanted to do, like performing in front of a large crowd, but I realize that I have only become a stronger person from those experiences.
Because of my friends I try to give back as much as I can and show people what I have learned about life. I may not always take the most stereotypical approach but I do what I need to do to get my point across. There are few rules I live by but the ones I do have made my journey special. For starters, never take anything too seriously or you will lose yourself in the process. If you care about something, work hard to achieve it. Help those around you prosper and you will prosper as well. John Lennon has inspired the way that I choose to live my life. He worked hard and certainly made a fool out of himself. He took an unusual approach to being outgoing and inspired millions of people. I am not at rock star status, but if I can inspire at least a few of my friends to go out on a limb and do what they want to do, then I can lead a happy life.
Beautiful :). I like how you took the approach to using quotations to lead on the essay. However, even though I admire your honesty, I think you should reword some of the examples of your individuality better. For example, the first example is a little too strong, for the lack of a better word. Instead, of writing how you 'screamed and threw your fists' until you got what you wanted, I would provide a somewhat...more noble example? Maybe you can talk about how you refuse to dress in a certain way, or refuse to wear a certain brand because of so, so, and so. Just a thought.
Second, I would probably shorten the last summary of quotes. It might just be me, but I swear I've read those quotes you used in the last paragraph somewhere else before. It's good to use a couple of referenced quotes to lead on your essay, but an eccessive amount might be seen as an attempt to take up space. But again, I do like the way you've ended your essay. So maybe try to take out a couple of those middle quotes and pick the ones you like best :)
I enjoyed reading your essay, and if you have time, I'd really appreciate it if you'd critique mine as well.
Thank you for editing my essay. I have taken everything you said into consideration and am revising my essay. I would love to take a look at yours for you!
...but she had a plan for how she wanted me to act ...
Friendship has always meant a great deal to me, and pretty much the entire world. ---- this sentence is con fusing, because the reader cannot tell if you mean it meant a great deal to the entire world or if it meant the entire world to you. More importantly, it is abrupt to begin the paragraph with this sentence because it has little to do with the intro.
In the intro, you make yourself seem like sort of an exhibitionist... remembering a naked experience from toddlerhood and then another more recently... streaking is not the best way to demonstrate individualism, and it may not reflect well on your application!!! Congratulations on your fearlessness, though!!
For starters, never take anything too seriously or you will lose yourself in the process. If you care about something, work hard to achieve it.---- cool!!!
Never be afraid to look like a fool because if someone judges you instead of joining in, they will only bring you down.--- this sentence does not make logical sense.
:-)
started trying to
'attempted to dress me in' sounds better
From adolescence to the present
,awkward situations
; John Lennon...
an ad for
An advertisment for...
And yay...! I'm happy you decided to use some of my advice :). I came across this thread again and decided to make a few more corrections. Your essay got much better, and I really admire the character you portrayed yourself to be in your essay.
^_^
