This is a CommonApp Essay I wrote 15 days ago and never edited. How can I further develop it? Is it a weak essay? The ending is very rushed and unorganized because I have yet to look at it closely because it is so uncomfortable to read. Edits and comments on how to develop it (and shorten it!) would be greatly appreciated.
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I shuffle pass the lobby to the backroom of the library. As I turn the knob, cracking open the door, I spot a familiar face. It is Gabriel. Taking a seat at the table, I scoot over beside him. Like many of the kids I tutor, Gabriel is the child of new immigrants, like many of the kids in my neighborhood. He reminds me of myself when I was younger. Pencil in hand, I see that he is eager to start his work. I point toward his backpack and he takes out his folder. He speeds through the math worksheets like usual, adding and subtracting with ease. But when we start on his English homework, I sense his unease. He has difficulty with this subject. Together we go through his worksheets slowly, making sure that he understands every part.
I look at the clock and it is five minutes until seven. The afterschool-tutoring program should have ended at six thirty and Gabriel's parents should have been here about half an hour ago. But it's fine because I'm light on homework that night, and I don't mind staying later with him. We pour over a copy of Pinnochio while we wait for his parents, with him reads it first, and then me correcting his mistakes the second time around.
As we approach the end of the story, we hear a light rapping on the door. It is Gabriel's mother. She gives a sigh of relief when she sees Gabriel. She seems worn out, shoulders slumped, and deep breathing, right out of work. She is glad that Gabriel is here and finds comfort in that. I tell her that we made good progress today, and Gabriel translates for her. He reminds me of myself when I was younger, translating in English for my own parents. Gabriel's mom asks me something in her thick Portuguese accent, but I do not quite understand. Gabriel tells me that she is asking if I will be here tomorrow. I say yes, and that comforts her.
When I think about Gabriel and the kids I tutor like him, I am reminded of myself. Coming from a household in which neither parent spoke very much English, I struggled with schoolwork. With both parents knowing just as much English as me, if not less, I had no one to turn to. My parents were concerned about my education. I turned to afterschool programs like the one Gabriel turned to. The help I received there influenced me and shaped me as well as helping me keep from falling in the cracks. Had I not gotten the assistance I needed, I would never have been able to have the opportunities I've been able to access, or the achievements I've made.
Like Gabriel, coming from an immigrant family, I soon became of vital importance in my family. The one with strongest English, at a young age, I was depended on to help translate for my parents. I had to talk to read mail in English, and communicate with adults to help my family. I know how important it is to help Gabriel and keep him from falling in the cracks, because he will be the lifeline of his family.
Coming from an increasingly diverse neighborhood, growing up in an immigrant family, I understand the challenges that are faced by the children of immigrants. I understand how with my help, as Gabriel's mother is unable, I can influence Gabriel's life. I also know how helping him will help his family as well. When I think of Gabriel and the kids I tutor, I am reminded me how grateful I am to be where I am today. I feel indebted to them. Gabriel reminds me of my purpose to my neighborhood, why I tutor, and what I can do to help the next generation of kids just like us.
jyu104 Edit Delete Move 72.72.62.125
Jan 1, 2010 #8
As he takes slowlyslowly takes out his worksheets,
I nod to him understandingly and we slowly go through the sets of worksheets. (Forgot the "I" at the beginning of the sentence)
Just as we are getting to the endingend (?)
She seems exhausted, shoulders slumped, heavy breathing and bags under her eyes.
She seems exhausted. Her shoulders are slumped, she is breathing heavily, and she has bags under her eyes.
Thinking of Gabriel, I am reminded of myself whilewhen I was growing up.
Whether it picking me up at night across town after a long day of work just so I could get the help I needed, that was what they did.
They picked me up at night across town after a long day of work just so I could get the help I needed.
Coming from a family where it was soon me who had the strongest English skills, I was the one depended on.
Since I had the strongest English skills in my family, they all depended on me.
It was meI who called up companies to talk to their customer support, meI who had to interact with the oilman when the heater wasn't working, and meI who went with my parents to the DMV.
Had I fell through the cracks, I would not have tutored and mentored,
Nice essay overall. Interesting anecdote you put in. Maybe you can add more about how all this relates to your future plans? A career maybe?
and please review my essay too (:
I really like the style of your essay. It's very engaging. No, I don't think it sounds generic, especially since you connected your tutoring to your experience being tutored.
However, I was a bit confused in the beginning. From the intro paragraph I thought you arrived late for some sort of conference or club meeting. And did you tutor Gabriel before? Because you said he was a newcomer. If not, how did he recognize you?
Was there some difficulty overcoming the language barrier while you were tutoring him? If so, describe that a bit more.
*We pore over a copy of Pinocchio
Thinking of Gabriel, I am reminded of myself while growing up. C
This sentence is repetitive. You said it once before.
they sought tutoring for me
"they sought a tutor for me" is better
The places I received the assistance I needed, which helped reinforce my skills, kept me from falling behind
Confusing sentence
Coming from a family where I soon had the strongest English skills, it was vital that I develop strong English skills, that I had a solid education.
A bit repetitive and confusing
This was a nicely structured essay, but if you can, try to make it more interesting and more personal.There are alot of people who tutor kids, and a lot of immigrant students.
Please read mine:
