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My Commonapp Personal Statement - no stranger to hardship


BuffBuff 1 / -  
Feb 28, 2016   #1
Hello, this is my final revision of my personal statement for my transfer app. Feel free to read and please comment some tips and help! I worked on this for quite some time, but I know there's weaknesses I either did not see or just could not catch. My conclusions are always weak, so please take a look. Thanks again!

My father was rarely around throughout my childhood, and to make up for it, he made my mom and me a promise that he would help cover for my college tuition. Although he had become more a stranger than a father to me, I was extremely grateful for the opportunity to choose a college without being limited by my financial ability. With that in mind, I selected the school that I felt offered me the most potential.

On March 31st, 2014, I officially became a Binghamton Bearcat. I immediately fell in love with the campus and social atmosphere. It soon became a home away from home, and I began to find an immediate interest in economics, as well as other fields of study. Just as everything began to fall into place, life threw me the most unexpected curve ball.

My father suddenly decided to forego his promise. After freshman year, he told me that he would no longer help pay my tuition. Soon thereafter, he once again disappeared from my life. At first, I couldn't believe what was happening and was at a loss for what to do. What's worse, I found all this out during my adjustment year of college, which made the whole ordeal particularly frustrating.

But I am no stranger to hardship. After the initial shock, I became determined to finish my first year with pride. Unlike in high school, I knew that I had to make the most of my time left at Binghamton, so I invested all my time to excel in academics and gain significant experiences. I made use of all the office hours I could to learn in depth, and I built relationships with my professors. I joined numerous clubs, making new friends and discovering new passions. I did so not only to keep myself busy, but also to maximize my education and experiences to help me succeed.

From the start, when my tuition issues came around, I began to think that I had no choice but to transfer. I was stuck in a limbo, and transferring seemed to be the only way out. Fortunately, the more I thought about it, the brighter my future became. I was able to discover that this would be a new chapter in my life. I recognized that by transferring, I could forget the pain my father put me through and no longer reminisce on the bad times.

Now, as a rising junior, I look to have a clean slate. And this time, I am entering with an important life lesson: it's not really about where I am that matters, but it's about how I use the opportunities at my disposal to become all that I can be. Although my college career started on the wrong foot, I know that I am capable of changing my life around and with that mindset; I hope to start fresh at a different university.

Given this second opportunity, I yearn to continue my ways as an active member within the student body. Regardless of the circumstances, I will strive to take advantage of the distinguished programs and professors, to equip myself for the future. And I will use my experiences, both good and bad, to contribute to the community. In the end, what I once considered a setback in my life has become a unique opportunity for something better, and I am ready to take the next step.
Ssakshijain 28 / 146 87  
Mar 1, 2016   #2
Hi Kangwoon, Firstly, mention the prompt please always with your essay. Now while reading your essay,it was good but saying that money is the only reason to transfer seems vague to me. What is the prompt? Most prompts asked that why you want to transfer and how you expect your new college to help you in your objectives?

You cannot say that you chose to transfer because of money, as if you are running from the situation. I appreciate that how you thought to grab the most from your education. But I am kind of thinking differently here, have you thought of ways to finance your tuition fees to pursue your goal, would have made your essay stronger. Don't show your financial problem as a weakness to get transfer, make it a strength and develop your essay accordingly. "something like: That even if I could manage some tuition fees, it was impossible to study further there. So , I chose to transfer but did not thought of compromising with my goals. I grab the most and side wise planning my finances for further education. " you are writing that you got admission in your favorite school but due to fees you are getting transferred, means not your favorite school.

On March 31st, 2014, ......... curve ball.
It seems like you were impressed by the social atmosphere and infrastructure of this school, began to find interest in economics means career was not your choice but campus was. It may give a false impression.

I hope you get the point and will do the editing as required. Don;t let your family problems be the reason of transfer, rather show how much you want to study and why you chose this school? What fascinated you in this school apart from fee structure? How you plan to study there and how you plan to use studies for your career goals?


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