Hi, I just completed my college essay and I wanted to get a few opinions on it. Thank you so much for your help!
The whistle blows, the crowd is cheering, and the coaches screaming. My heart beats with intensity and I feel the urge to run my hardest, take every hit, and reach the main purpose. Win the game.
My body is jittery, full of the anxiety and excitement. I feel the defenders stick heavily resting on my hands, and see the looks in his eyes saying to me "You're not going anywhere." Despite the intimidation, I motivate my mind and my body telling them that there are no limitations to my ability, that nothing will stop me from putting the ball in the cage.
Lacrosse, a sport that requires physical and mental strength, pushes you to reach the max by putting the body and mind to the test. Every practice and game signifies a new lesson with challenges to become a better player. To become faster, quicker, stronger, but more importantly to build the state of mind that nothing can stop you, is the achievement that I set my mind too. I understand the struggles and obstacles that were going to be faced since the beginning, when I first started playing lacrosse in eighth grade. Through the bruises and injures and unfavorable weather, I play lacrosse because I made the decision to achieve.
Having the advantages of family and friends to motivate me, I have no real reason to use lacrosse. I don't play lacrosse to just gain popularity, nor do I play it because I can hit and hurt people. I play the sport because it disciplines me and builds my mental strength on my own. Consistently, I push myself to be stronger, quicker, faster, and smarter to become better than the player above me, for not only the team but for my own dignity. In some way with no weaknesses and full responsibility, I practice every second of the day like it is my last. I shoot at the goal with all my strength, harder and harder, while having the sensibility that I am reaching my achievement and controlling the discipline that is needed in lacrosse. Throughout the practices and games, my mind creates the image of victory that represents my hard work and dedication. Victory constantly reminds me that fighting through the hardships in lacrosse have allowed me to reach the top.
I have built myself to be confident through every task that I have feared. My mind has the fixed image of success in every goal I work hard to achieve. While others may be weak and quit, I, Adrian Go, am strong and determined to reach each goal. No matter what tries to hold me back, I will fight. I will succeed.
The whistle blows, the crowd is cheering, and the coaches screaming.
no, no, no, no, no. this is basic grammar!! you need parallelism in your verbs. The whistle
blows , the crowd
cheers , and the coaches
scream . or the whistle
is blowing , the crowd
is cheering , and the coaches
are screaming .
For a personal statement, it's a bit short and doesn't say a whole lot about you.. It's mostly just about why you play lacrosse. Maybe bring it up a step higher.
Please read mine:
That's a little harsh. Parallelism can sometimes be subtly sidestepped, as contrast and rhythm also have importance.
The whistle blows. The crowd is cheering, and the coach is screaming; my heart beats with intensity, and...
Oh, I think you need to give some thought to topic sentences. It is interesting to look at each paragraph of your own essay and say, "what is the main point I am making wih this paragraph?" Ask yourself that question, and whatever the answer is, that is your topic sentence to tack on to the beginning of the paragraph.
:-)
