Hello guys.
I'm going to attach this to CommonApp.
Please help me to correct any grammatical mistake and give me some advice to revise the essay.
Thank you!
On one summer day of 2006, after three hours of rigorous kendo training, I was barely standing in a bus station, waiting for no.7 bus that would guide me home. Alas! It was five o'clock when usually all buses are full. It takes almost 40 minutes to home, and I wasn't so sure if my legs will not collapse in the rattling bus. Wow, it was my lucky day. I found a seat as soon as I got into the bus. It magnetized my fragile body with such a compelling power. I went comatose as soon as I hit the seat.
...Huh? Suddenly, with no reason, my eyes opened wide. The bus was already full. Looking outside, I was almost halfway home. I decided to continue to sleep. At the moment of closing my eyes again, I saw an old lady standing right beside me. Unfortunately, though my body resisted, my superego defeated my id that I almost instinctively offered my seat to her. Then, as I expected, a textbook scenario developed and we exchanged some textbook dialogues.
"Please sit here mam!"
"No, I'm fine, you can just stay there."
Knowing exactly what I ought to do, I offered her my seat several more times, but she was firm. I really wanted her to sit, but was afraid that reiterating the same words would annoy her. I needed to deliberate other method to persuade her. I stood up and told her that I'm getting off at next station. Finally, she sat down with a smile and I was pleased with odd satisfaction. I imaged myself to be one of those people who would appear in a public service advertisement or in a pamphlet that encourages people to observe public order and etiquette.
A moment later, suddenly, I felt a pat on my shoulder. It was the old lady. I smiled to her and was ready to listen courteously to whatever she says. To my dismay, the old lady was... um... frowning and looked extremely unpleasant. Not expected this kind of reaction, I was stunned. She didn't say anything; she just stared at me with such a weird look. On the moment of getting off the bus, the old lady pointed a finger of blame at me, and spat grumbling words, shouting: "You didn't get off! You little cheater! You fooled me!" Then, she hurried off the bus.
...I felt a string in my head had broken. Tears had moistened my eyes. Everyone in the bus was looking at me as if I had done something wrong to the old lady. I didn't know why I deserve such blame. All what I had done was just to practice what I deemed to be the right moral judgment. I felt as if the lady wrapped her hands around the stem of my moral universe and pulled it until the roots gave in.
What was wrong?
It was so a difficult questions for a 12 years old boy with immature sense of morality. I couldn't think of anything else. Every part of my body was concentrating on this question that my ears couldn't hear the noise of rush hour; my eyes lost their focus. When I finally came back to myself, I missed my stop and was at the final station. But I was still unable to find the answer. After I got back home, I didn't tell my family what happened on the bus. I wanted to meditate upon it and find the answer by myself.
After those fruitless days, one day, when I was sitting on the dinner table, an idea occurred to me like a spark. I discovered that all my efforts and time I devoted in chasing after the answer were vain, because the answer had never existed but has only started to exist when I defined it to be the answer. I was the only one who is responsible and eligible for building my moral universe and values and for defining correct moral view. They could only be meaningful when they were granted independency. Had I blindly accept what other people force on me, my cognitive judgment and action would have lost their meaning as the results of my independent consciousness. At the end of my contemplation, new moral value that would not be pulled out even in a severe storm took roots deep into my heart.
Few days later, when I was on my way home sitting in no.7 bus, I saw an old gentlemen getting on the bus.
"Please sit here sir!"
First things first, we here on the site need to know what question you are answering with this essay.
Second, you should be able to make grammer corrections on your own. But one thing I did notice a lot in your essay is that it is very wordy. Your essay contains a lot of passive sentences. If you have Microsoft Word, you can have the program point these out to you my changing the proofing options. You do this by going to File -> Options -> Proofing and then change the Writing Sytle option to "Grammer and Style."
If you can do these two things for us, we'll be able to provide more constructive criticism to help both you and your essay.
