Please let me know what you think. I intend to use this as a commonapp essay. Any harsh evaluation would be really appreciated.
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
All too often I confronted the ever-frowned question mark hailing me with its hook deep down to my essence, then coercing me with the insistent dot to irrevocably put an end to all my inner dilemma. The question mark's patience endures through time, but all the while its attempts proved in vain - back to the days I still have yet to assure whether or not I wanted the position.
In retrospect, my cheek at that moment blushed with excitement on eventually hearing the announcement, and all the wrinkles must have worked their way back and forth to present the expression too vigorously bright that even the sun could be shut. How could gladness even exempt those whose efforts finally pay off? How could pride ever pass by those who have been fairly recognized? I was selected among all the compelling candidates, I was whole-heartedly empowered. Over-bearingly as I later took sips of recalling the golden call-over, the feeling, however, never lingered long. People, after such praises and applause, heartlessly bathed me with ignorance and piles of duties which I'd never thought was mine, only acrimoniously mine. Every night I tossed and turned in my bed with how to get used to the new role demanding my very last bits of energy. How "I" alone stands out from the mass do I know well. To how "I" merging into "team" is supposed to be did I adapt many a time, lowering the personalities too strong to constitute the collective unity that enthralls. But this time, when it came to being a president, there seemed to me no guarantee against pure uncertainty - I didn't know the first thing about how "I" stands above a large number of people.
For the first few weeks being a president, I refrained from a brittle sigh in my reticence that suggested a temper easily lost as I forced myself to compromise. It was no longer me who every now and then stormed into the discussions' narrowness with rescue initiatives; instead two feasible reactions now should be either a nod or a shake of the head. A signal of identity being washed away. More destructively, struggling to fit in with the team, I heard my imagination groaning under the load of responsibility, restricting the once-in-a-millions to those possibly accomplished solutions in fear of their carrying real risks. Torn between ambivalent 'yes' or 'no' time and again, the president had no policy at all for her resistance to being a president.
What'd become of me after all if I still let the stuffy chambers of my heart and head overspilled with their contents? A flashlight crossed my sweaty nose and cheeks as the event of which I was in charge from head to toe ended with flying colors. I felt the heat rising in a blast, I leaped into teammates' warmest embraces, I let myself be bathed with satisfaction and applause. At the first time being applauded, I was recognized, and this second time amidst the applause I recognized myself, again. The position title did no harm to my self-contained world. 'Yes' or 'no' were also not only words for either acceptance or rejection, but behind each uttered word orders were imposed and freedom were allowed with equal proportions. And prideful creativity withdrew from its cacophonous meeting attendance to the intangible chambers at the back of my mind, orienting people's train of thoughts towards the right platform. Rather than vanished, hues of my identity were enriched with defter brushstrokes. With the question mark ceasing to be waggish, I could go on and on after the newly-defined colon.
I think that the essay's content is obscure; it takes a while for me to understand what you're trying to say. There are some phrases I find to be redundant/ awkward/ unnecessarily florid.
Eg: "all the wrinkles must have worked their way back and forth to present the expression too vigorously bright that even the sun could be shut"
While I see you wish to present yourself in an indirect manner, some metaphors need to be clarified (or they may hamper the flow of your essay).
Eg: the question mark, the dot, the colon
Do you want to compare other members, who expect you- as a leader- to answer their questions, with 'the question mark'? Then what do you mean by 'the question mark ceasing to be waggish'?
Do you want to say that sometimes, as a leader, you have to be a dot (give definite answers)? What is your real personal conflict? You loathe having to always give an answer? You prefer to be a member and speak out and express yourself freely? From your third paragraph, I can't see how big a difference between the way a leader voices out her opinion and the way a member does. And "Most destructively" is a bit extreme.
Same problem with the colon! What does it have to do with the dot? I don't find it convincing when you relate your experience (at the event you organized) with the newly-defined dot. Also, you wrote "I was in charge of from head to toe"- I think you should leave this out (as a leader should delegate the work equally to her members).
I think you need to work on the metaphors first. How do they actually relate to your story? In the previous post, I merely made a guess about their meanings. Honestly, I don't think the metaphors (the dot, the colon, the question mark) work. You can focus on the story about leadership and identity.
Your essay should be fine without any metaphor. Inappropriate metaphors can do no good.
In the last paragraph, I don't really see the conflict resolved. It's hard to explain in words; I just feel like I expect more- a transformation, not just a realization. Ah, and there is a new metaphor, a chamber! Please don't overuse metaphors!
If you feel comfortable with this essay, go for it. I must say it's a bit risky though. You have to make sure your indirectness can be understood. The draft above is hard to understand. I suggest you examine closely the relationship between adjacent sentences in a paragraph.
E.g: . How could gladness even exempt those whose efforts finally pay off? How could pride ever pass by those who have been fairly recognized? I was selected among all the compelling candidates, I was whole-heartedly empowered.
=> What is the purpose of the two questions?
